Expecting my partner to help?

[Mum94]

My partner works bloody hard doing night shifts and I don't ask or expect any help from him with the household chores ect. but recently I explained to him how I am struggling to keeping on top of everything and have asked him to be abit more hands on with our LO, as he seems to avoid interaction with him whenever he can.
Our LO is just under 3 months and he's so good, he's sleeps through the night already but does get really bad trapped wind which can take upto 2/3 hours to wind properly after a feed. I know my partner doesn't feel very confident with him but I'm finding it tiring and actually really frustrating that he seems so uninterested in anything to do with the LO. For example, he just hands LO straight back to me if he cries or needs a nappy change amd has only done maybe 2/3 feeds in total! It's gets to the point where I have to visit my mum in order to simply have a bath, if I can't squeeze one in when LO is sleeping.
I get that some men struggle with bonding, especially when it's an unplanned pregnancy, but it takes two, right? And out of the two of us he's the one that wanted kids, not me! (Though I'm so greatful to have had him!) I'm not sure if maybe I just need to be more patient with him while he builds a bond or if I'm right to expect help when he's not working?

All advise/opinions welcome!!

It’s not really help though is it, it’s his job to care for his own child. Yes he works but when he’s out working you are caring for his child. I just couldn’t tolerate this at all, sorry. I BF my children so it was DH’s job to do the nappy changes. I’ve been married twice and both husbands were nervous around the babies when they were very tiny but they need to form a bond. You should definitely be able to get a bath fgs - he can feed the baby and wind him of he wakes up. How did it get to the stage where he hardly has any contact with the baby?

I'm just wondering if he would be experiencing depression. This was the first symptom of dh depression which developed after 1st was born and now he is starting to show signs again that dd2 has arrived. Worth having that chat with him to rule that out. 1 in 10 men develop depression after the birth of a child.

You absolutely are not BU to expect more involvement from him.

As an aside have you tried infacol or gripe water to assist with winding? My empathy - my 11mo is hell to wind even now.

Ifigotherewillbedouble Thank you, the lack of interaction probably started to show after the first week, but I just thought he was really nervous because it's bloody terrifying being a first time parent! But it just got progressively worse when he went back to work after his (4week) paternity leave.
confuddeledconfuddel thank you, I did worry it may be headed that way but wasn't sure on symptoms but will try having that chat with him! :)
Merryoldgoat thank you, I use infacol, which has helped loads, but especially since his tooth buds have started growing in his wind has come straight back poor little thing!

Hi have you talk to him about it?

My husband was like this after 2nd born, until I told him he was going to end up giving me pnd and that he had to help out with his child more. Seemed to do the trick although I know this won't always be the case. I just stopped taking her back every time he tried to hand her back to me! I had 101 things to get on with on top of looking after her so he simply had no choice. They are thick as thieves now and have a great bond. Try gripe water for wind x

My husband was like this. It was like he was almost happy to come home form work give the baby a quick cuddle, eat dinner and then piss off and play on the computer all night. I on the other hand had not had a break since 4am if I was lucky.

I suggested her take DD swimming as he was at week to have some daddy daughter time. Whereas in reality it gave me a who 2.5 rest a week. I used to drive to gym and have a coffee and a proper shower and blow dry my hair!

BlueJag I have tried but he normally just changes the subject, though as someone mentioned earlier, he may be suffering with depression so will try again when he's up, as he didn't get in from work till 4am this morning!
tasharichford I know I should refuse to always take LO back when crying but then DP just puts him down in his moses basket/cot tells me he's been put down then either hides out in the bathroom or in the garden having a fag till I've picked him up. Which is bloody annoying as he knows I won't let him take LO back for about an hour after he has a fag. And will try gripe water, thank you! X
Littlemissdaredevil thankyou, will try suggesting an activity just for them two to do together :)

You need to just get up and leave them alone for a few hours. He needs to get used to being a parent and doing these things himself.

putthewashinginthedryer you're right this would probably be the most constructive way of getting them to interact, I just worry as LO nearly 3months and DP hasn't really been that proactive and has really struggled on the 2/3 times when he has done a feed! Though I'm probably just worrying to much about it!

On a diff note try R37 for colic/wind it can be got from health food shops and it is a miracle worker!

Is the baby also refluxy? Mine was a wind hoarder/vomiter (so nice) and Infant Gaviscon helped too.

confuddeledconfuddel and Merryoldgoat thankyou, as far as I know it's just wind/colic, but he's a bigger eater so I don't think that helps, checked with the HV that I'm not overfeeding him, he's just a hungry baby (so have him on hungry baby milk)!
Will look into both suggestions, thank you so much, sometimes it just feels like you're the only person going through it! X

DH jokes that I put it in and he deals with the aftermath, I'm breast feeding and he's set himself up as designated nappy changer, obviously not when he's at work, but when he's at home or we're out together it is kind of his thing bizarrely. I think he felt like DS didn't like him at first , e would day so 'jokingly' (DS is a velcro baby) sometimes DH would try and try to settle him, doing all the things I would and he just wouldn't settle, in the end he'd ask me if I'd have a go and the minute I picked DS up he'd settle which knocked DHs confidence I think. Chatting with a male friend who had two DCs and a similar experience helped, they made a joke of it and I encouraged DH to take the lead bathing DS so I'd suggest we bath him then once in, I'd say to DH 'oh I'm just going to put some washing in, you're alright here aren't you', or go and make us a cup of tea leaving DH in charge. He's very confident with him now and is finding his own ways to bond with him, which I know can be tricky when I'm breast feeding about a million times a day and DS wants to cling to me like a hungry baby spider monkey.
They're doing baby and daddy massage class next weekend , which I don't think DH would've been comfortable doing before.
Try and work out if it's not being sure how to act or bond or just laziness/thinks it's your job, if the former try and support him to find his role

Have you spelt it out and said things like

Why am I having to go to my mumsohouse just to have a bath?

What does he say?

Just want to agree with previous posters about gripe water it’s wonderful stuff way better than infacol we noticed such a difference when my dS was 4 weeks and we could switch brought the wind up almost instantly.

Thank you everyone whose replied!! Have spoken to DP and he has agreed to go and speak to his GP about possible depression (though he was reluctant to admit that might be the cause) also will try to find an activity for just him and our LO to bond over!
I also really appreciate the advice on dealing with colic, will try gripe water, and then R37 if that doesn't work! Thank you again to all! X

@Mum94 I'm so glad he is willing to see his GP that is definitely a good first step. Just know that there is no quick fix unfortunately and it was a long road for us but he got there and I'm so glad I stuck out the very difficult parts as watching him with our Lg now is wonderful. His confidence has grown and she just adores her da da