XP and I met 15 years ago. I was a single parent, he was a bit of a party animal and borderline alcoholic (yes I know) with serious depression (yes yes I know ). We knew each other through friends and got on really well for 3 years before we actually got together.
From very early on in our relationship I made it quite clear that I was looking for a quiet family life, that I wouldn't tolerate heavy drinking in front of my DC, and that I would like to have more children in future. I always made all of that clear. He wasn't sure if he wanted any DC of his own at first, and I said quite clearly that in that case the relationship wasn't going anywhere, because that was one of the things I wanted most. He chose to stay with me, and we moved about 100 miles when we got a once in a lifetime chance to live in a really lovely rural area that we normally wouldn't have been able to afford (I inherited a cottage).
We had our DD 4 years into the relationship - planned, as in, we stopped using contraception - and she has some SN that have caused considerable stress over the last few years. Things were hard, and I'll admit I became increasingly resentful over his utter inability to take responsibility for stuff.
He doesn't drive, so everything from school runs to hospital appointments to shopping had to be facilitated by me. I had the money to pay for him to learn to drive but there was always a reason he didn't want to. If I didn't organise it, nothing happened. Occasionally he'd say something like, for example, oh wouldn't it be nice to go to Skye - but never do anything like suggest a week to go, or organise accomodation, or find ferry times or anything at all, so things he wanted to do didn't happen. He didn't see much of his old friends because I wouldn't have them in the house (all heavy drinkers and casual drug users) and I didn't facilitate it by driving him to visit them. I was the main earner for the last 6 years while he faffed about 'building a business' that never made any money. He used to go away to 'work' at festivals but I did say I wanted him to stop as a) it was basically a week long jolly for him while I was at home alone with the DC (he'd meet up with old friends and spend the week pissed while litter picking) and b) I never saw a penny of the money he made doing it so it felt like lose lose for me!
XP announced last year that he had had enough, felt like I'd treated him like shit and emotionally blackmailed him into having a baby and giving up everything that made him happy, and walked out. He claims that I stopped him seeing his friends, made his life a misery, never wanted him in the first place, and have resented and bullied him for years. He says it suited me for him to be unhappy and that I've been quite happy to keep him depressed as it meant he never pursued his own dreams.
I feel very very hurt by this - I mean yes by the end I did resent him but tbh by then it was all so fucked anyway that it's not really fair to use that as the benchmark for the whole 12 years! But I can't shake what he's said to me, I feel so crushed by it and can't stop worrying that he's right, that I am an awful person and that I'll just keep fucking up for the rest of my life.