To ask you to critique my parenting today

[grinchypants]

Posting mainly for traffic

I have a 5yo who is normally great, sensible, no concerns. He will be 6 in the summer if that makes any difference. He is usually reasonable, if a little sulky at times.

Had Lego out this evening, he had been playing with it for about an hour and a half. Not built anything specific. 3yo sister playing with sylvanian families. Then while still sat with his Lego he spends 10-15 minutes turned fixed towards the tv, while little sister comes and plays with him.

Ds notices that sister is playing with his Lego (they usually share toys fine) and snatches and shouts at her. I tell him actually that's not fair, as she's been playing with it for 10 minutes already and he's not bothered to say anything because he was watching tv, it's unfair to turn around and scream at her. I asked him to come and sit with me on sofa to calm down and left her playing with it.

He came over, then got back up again & snatched it off her again. I said "DS I've just told you to sit with me on the sofa" , at which point he looked at me, and stamped his foot on the Lego she had built to ruin it.

I told him that's not fair, and that he was now to do time out. He went to walk the other way so I said again, you have been told, time out. He went & sat in the usual time out spot. But started kicking the door next to him really hard and when I walked over to speak to him he picked up the door mat and started trying to rip it up. As I got closer he hit me. Like an absolute meltdown.
I'm very heavily pregnant and wasn't really sure what to do at this point so I turned him around so he was facing away from me and held his hands (so he couldn't hit or kick towards baby). He was trying to bite me. I was calm and not reacting but technically restraining him from hurting me. I was holding him gently without force but in a position that he couldn't hurt me or himself, and I explained that this wasn't good, and if he calmed down and could be trusted not to hurt me I would let go. which he did within less than a minute.

I felt awful but wasn't really sure what else to do in the moment he started lashing out. He's never done that before and he's calm now but I'd like to know what others would do in that situation in the future as I don't want to have to do that again but talking seemed to just make it worse.

Any advice greatly received

Was she playing with the bits he had built or pulled out to build with? I think I would have just said to her "here's some legofor you" a grabbed a couple of handfuls of stuff on the edge for her.

I don't think she should be allowed to wade in if he simply looks at the tv screen for a bit.

Sounds l8ke you did the right thing.

I can't understand why you felt awful? Because he had a tantrum?

No she wasn't wading in she was just having a look at some of the bits sprayed across the floor he hadn't got to yet.

It sounds like you did fine. If he normally isn't like this, could he be coming down with something?

Think you handled it pretty much spot on. You stayed calm and obviously needed to protect the baby

Also so as not to drip feed, I've been in an abusive relationship in the past, so I've no idea what's normal or not with tantrums & kids lashing out. I think It triggered a bit when he started hitting & kicking

You were fine, he is a kid, he will grow out it, you know what you're doing. I would give him a good half hour to calm down before talking about the event. Congrats on incoming baby!

I think using words like fair aren't very clear to him - it would be better to say tidy a toy away if no one else is to touch it, and no snatching.

Also it's not clear if sitting with you on the sofa was meant to be a punishment or not?

@Timeforabiscuit not a punishment, more a come sit with me & calm down a minute to diffuse & separate them

I'd have had an additional sanction for the biting and kicking. That's not on and needs to be nipped in the bud. He'd lose screen time or whatever matters most. I'd not tolerate being bitten by a 5year old and I'd want him to know it's not acceptable under any circumstances.

I think you were fine. As long as you were as calm as you sound, then no problems at all.

I would now have a calm conversation with him and ask what upset him so much about dd touching the Lego. Explain that he is usually so kind and good at sharing, you are confused what was wrong. Then see what he says.

I think you handled this fine but I would have probably sent him to his room at the point of kicking rather than restraining.
If it's out of character then he is probably either tired or coming down with something. My DD gets easily overwrought in these circumstances and needs time by herself to calm down to defuse the situation. If I'd tried to restrain her during a tantrum it would go on for ages. She absolutely cannot bear to be touched when she is upset or hurt.
Write it off as a bad afternoon and get back to normal tomorrow.

Sounds like you did just fine, I’d it that you had to restrain him that’s making you question? I’m not sure there’s anything else you could have done that would be safe. I’ve had to hold one of mine firmly when their behaviour gets quite hitty - they arent particularly violent but become overwhelmed, lash out and don’t know their own strength.

Agree give him (and you) time to calm down and then chat about what happened. I’ll isually include in my chat that I didn’t like having to hold them, but they were so upset it scared me and I was worried they would hurt themself.

Get a cup of tea and catch your breath.

I have a five and three year old. This thing happens all the time. Five year old can get properly angry, kicking etc at times. You did fine.

It sounds like you kept everyone safe which was the priority.
When everyone is calm it will be time to talk about what happened. It’s ok to feel angry sometimes but if he feels that way he needs to go calm down. Find out whether he recognises what angry feels like. If so ageee with him what he will do, he may feel trapped in time out, can he go run around the garden, go to his room and growl, where can he go to calm?
That might help him deal with things in a positive way?

I just felt awful that it got to the point I actually had to hold him and I thought surely other people don't have to do this, other parents would deal with it better so that it didn't get to that point.

His mentality when he is given a consequence he doesn't like at times can be very dramatic, if asked to go to his room he wouldn't, and if he did at times he's completely trashed it, throwing things and breaking things which I don't have the energy for at the moment. It doesn't happen very often, maybe 4 or 5 times in the last 12 months, but when he is triggered it tends to be because he feels it's unfair I've said no and then he's acted out to win as much attention as he can or spoil as much as he can. I think he's old enough to know better. I don't know what the answer is at times like that. It's like I just don't know what to say because if I've given the consequences and he doesn't like them and starts lashing out, nothing I can say seems to stop it.