To ask how to have sex after baby?

[Cardiffclare88]

Dd is 9 weeks and we still haven’t had sex Bit of a traumatic delivery and had caesarean after many hours of pushing. Emotionally feel ready and definitely miss the closeness. DH is also keen but not pressuring me, which is lovely.

I feel the desire physically but feel absolutely rubbish about my body and utterly un-sexy. Got quite the overhang on my belly, my scar and the area around it is still quite hard and tingly, haven’t had a wax in ages, and of course my boobs have changed quite a bit. I always had a lot of pleasure from my boobs during sex but now with EBF can’t imagine DH touching or kissing them. And worried how it will feel for me and DH after so long pushing and whether I might be all stretched out down there and won’t feel good for either one of us.

As DH is keen, I reckon he still finds me attractive, but whenever he cuddles up I freeze like it’s my first time. And of course with the baby, at night after I’ve clusterfed I’m knackrred and in the morning my boobs are so engorged and leaky. And DD is in our room and snores for England, I wonder with every squeak whether she’s close to waking up. And feel a bit awkward doing it with her right there anyway! But nervous to leave her in another room whilst we pop to the sofa downstairs

Any suggestions for moving on and moving forwards? We can keep the lights out but I still feel quite unattractive. And am a by worried about the mechanics and practicalities of it all anyway

Be kind to yourself. ❤️

I feel like this too OP. I'm only about 3kg heavier than pre twins but I have a really painful c section scar and just feel ruined. I look tired, don't have time to do my hair and makeup, I'm constantly covered in baby sick and legs Chewbacca would be proud of.

I don't even know why my husband wants to when he's waking up next to an extra from the walking dead these days.

Could you manage to get DH or another person close to you that you trust to look after the baby for a couple of hours while you get your hair done or a wax or just something for you. Spending a little bit of time on yourself will help you feel so much better.
Your body will recover and though it is changed that's not to say it's not beautiful I would also try not to worry too much about leaving the baby to sleep in the room on her own while you enjoy some intimacy with your DH in another room close by. She will be fine.

I think if you're feeling the desire, that does simplify things.

Maybe start with a close quiet cuddle in the dark and lots of kissing, and see how you feel? That would be fun anyway. Set a slow pace. You don't have to do everything at once. It sounds like your h will follow your lead which is great. I do remember a huge sense of relief after the first time when none of my panics were borne out.

I can't advise on dd being there as I put ds into another room really early.

@Seline Oh yes forgot about the wooly mammoth legs and underarms And my massive old lady pants that I pull up under my boobs so they don’t rub on my scar. I am so in love with DD and so in love with DH and we are so happy as a family but feel like my body’s been under a lorry. Was never one with much self esteem but now feels like a complete other world. And worry now that if I don’t feel better it’ll become an issue in our relationship eventually

Wait until you feel ready - it doesn't sound like you are. We waited more than three months. Whilst I was breastfeeding, I couldn't stand having my breasts touched by DH either. It's quite normal.

Talk about it with him. You’ll find a solution together.

And please, please, don't be so down on yourself!!! You have given life. You're a fucking goddess.

9 weeks is nothing!! Don’t pressure yourself. Just do it when you’re ready.

I wasn't ready till my son was 6 months and we moved him into his own room don't be too hard on yourself

There is no rush but I understand you wanting some closeness back. It’s fine to take it slowly so try not to feel that pressure. I think nine weeks is early (took me months, not least because of a sleep dodging screamer) and the first time was nerve wrecking.

I think it’s wise advice to concentrate on feeling closeness through lots of non-sexual cuddling/kissing if you can and I think it’s important to talk through your worries with your dh. let him reassure you, refuse to let yourself think he’s just being kind.

I have to be honest though, the first time for me was a bit of a ‘grit your teeth and get it over with’ kind of experience followed by intense interrogation afterwards about anything that was different!

Don’t over think it. A lovely cuddle in a warm bed, loads of lube and very gently go for it. Say to DH just a quickie at first (which probably won’t be hard if it has been a while!). Long vest top on to hide your belly and in a nice boring position that feels comfortable to you. Your OH will just be happy whatever if he is a nice bloke and you will feel relieved to have got it over with. Good luck OP and congrats on your baby.

If you feel you want to you are nearly all the way there! Your body is still recovering at 9 weeks and it will probably be a little bit longer until it feels like 'your' body again.

I had internal grazing which was uncomfortable for a while after but honestly, after two dc sex actually feels better than before.

You just need to go slowly and be prepared to stop if you need to. I can also recommend white noise to cover up baby noises from the moses basket!

I think it sounds like you are ready but worried and that is fine. I was the same I just took a deep breath and went for it. Having that intimate back is worth the 2 maybe 3 minutes of apprehension once you start you will be fine. I would suggest asking your DH not to touch your nipples that sets some boundaries and will help with your comfort. Honestly it’s like getting back on a horse. Good luck.

4 months here and that was after a long second stage of pushing and episiotomy which left me feeling like my lady village was more like a gaping lady meteor crater...

My DH did not notice any difference and I don't know if it's due to the increase of blood supply you get during pregnancy or what but if anything I enjoy it more now. That being said, DH wasn't getting anywhere near me at 9weeks PP!! I also EBF'd, it was a case of leaving bra on and sticking a big "no go" sign there!

After my first DC I felt similar. I bought a couple of short silky nighties which covered me up enough, especially my tummy, and said to my DH that I wasn't feeling confident yet so wanted to keep them on. It worked a treat and I felt sexy enough and didn't feel exposed or like I had to held everything in. Once you've got back in to the rhythm of things a few times you'll feel fine again.

Thank you all for the kind words and suggestions. In tears to know I’m not alone. Have been hearing horror stories of marriages soured by no sex after baby so perhaps that’s adding an extra layer or worry.

Booming with the hairdresser is a good idea. A bit worried about booking a wax as my scar is still tender. Will try to go slow but reckon it’ll be a grit my teeth experience, perhaps just need to get beyond that to feel a bit more relaxed .

The nighties are a brill idea-much better than my overnight nursing bra I reckon

I waited about 11 weeks and then the first time was quite awkward because my body had changed so much, it definitely wasn’t the same as before. Just go slowly and stop if it doesn’t feel right.

Talk to your husband - I bet he doesn't see any of the issues you do. He just wants you.

Take it slow
Try to find yourself a little
Your body will never be the same but that doesn’t make you any less

I have a slight overhang without a C section. M & S high waisted pants are your friend. I'll have a look for a link.

You need to separate your self esteem from your body image.

A post birth body is different from a pre birth one.

Embrace that.

Don’t use your past self as a comparator.

After my 3rd child, it took 10 months to have full sex which was actually almost a year to the day since we had last had sex. We had a few false starts where I was just too tense / awkward.
I think the most important thing is everyone is comfortable and happy about either waiting or going for it. I actually feel weirdly proud that we could have a year without sex and still feel happy and initimate in our relationship. For others, this would be a big deal...horses for courses and all that.

OP, you’re being far too self conscious and over thinking the whole thing, which puts too much pressure on you and DH to try
and have perfect sex.
Keep your expectations low, bung in some lube, just have a nice cuddle and progress to a basic quickie if things are going ok.
Think of it as a trial run to see how it goes. So what if it’s just missionary in the dark in a Victorian flannelette nightie, it really doesn’t matter! Just stop fretting and go for it. After all those weeks you’ll both be desperate for it anyway. I don’t know how you lasted- it was 3 weeks with me and DH!
Honestly, just do it. You’ll be fine. Best of luck!