To feel I’ve let DS down?

[Notmyusual80]

Think some will say yes to this but I could do with reassurance as I feel shit...

DS (5) often complains about a kid - let’s call him Tom - at school being mean and a bit hitty even though they’re “friends”. Had a word with teacher who spoke to them both and said she thought it was a bit 50/50 as my son admitted winding him up a little by chasing him (though never hitting). I’m not one of these parents who thinks their child can do no wrong (although he genuinely is a decent boy and never hits) so I accepted what she said.

Then DS asks to invite Tom to his party. I was v reluctant but he was adamant they were friends now. So I let him come. And basically he hit DS a few times (though we didn’t actually see it as it was a soft play party and we couldnt see them all the time) and made him cry at the end of the party. I comforted DS and told him to stay away from Tom.

I should have said something to the mum, shouldn’t I? But it felt really awkward as she was sat there oblivious and didn’t really know anyone else at the party and I felt I would’ve made a really uncomfortable atmosphere. Or I should’ve gone into the actual play area and asked Tom to stop hitting (nicely, I’d never shout at another child or anything like that). But I did neither. And I feel like I didn’t stick up for my DS. The odd thing is, I wouldn’t hesitate to say something to a strangers’ parent.

I’m the sort of person who will feel guilty about this forever.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I’m a bit confused, you said you didn’t see the hitting happening (and only found out at the end of the party?)... so how could you (or the other mom) have gone in there to intercede?

If I’d seen it, and the other mom wasn’t handling it, I would have dealt with it (“we don’t hit people”) and then tried to distract them.

However, with all the rush and stress of a party, I can also imagine missing it or not handing it 100 percent “right.” So don’t beat yourself up OP - I think you’ve done fine. Hope your son still enjoyed his party 🎉

DS came out of the soft play area half way through the party and said Tom was hitting - he wasn’t crying at this point - so I told him to stay away from him and play with his other friends. At the end of the party was when he came out crying because Tom had hit him again and hurt him. I feel I should’ve gone into the soft play when he first complained and said something to Tom.
I am the sort of person who will dwell on this and beat myself up about it forever...

Oh I understand.

I would have done exactly what you did. Your son wasn’t crying at that point. And the teacher had told you the dynamic was kind of 50/50 - not “Tom is bullying your child.” So based on all you knew (and since you didn’t see the events unfold) you responded quite sensibly.

Some hugs and reassurance for your son, perhaps reaffirm that (a) Tom behaved badly and (b) if you had seen the hitting continuing you would have been there.

You did fine in all the circumstances though. Honest

You can only deal with the information you have at the time, parties can be stressful so let that go.

But do contact the teacher and tell her that Tom and your son are not getting on and to keep them separate in the classroom.

Good luck.

Also, I have had an instance where I felt I should have been more assertive (in front of my son). And then I did have a sinking feeling that I had failed to protect him somehow - i’d failed to model assertive behaviour.

So that night I said to him, quite matter-of-factly, that if I was doing it again I would have done X instead of Y, and it is always good to stand up for ourselves.

He was happy and I felt much, much better.

Why would you dwell on a small childhood incident forever? Your ds certainly won't.
Just try to encourage other friendships.

I am the sort of person who will dwell on this and beat myself up about it forever...

1. This won’t help anyone
2. This will not be the last time you feel you haven’t done the right thing as a parent, so you’ll have to learn to move on
3. I think you dealt with it fine in a busy envirobment, and you don’t have anything to feel guilty about

The teacher has observed it happens when your DS winds "Tom" up by chasing him. Not saying that "Tom" is right at all, but perhaps you could talk it through with DS about what was happening at the time - was he chasing? Perhaps chat about what both of you would have liked to have done instead as another PP said? Maybe use it as a learning opportunity?

Don't be hard on yourself OP, it's hard work hosting a party!

Sorry for not replying - only just seen these responses. Thank you so much for making me feel less rubbish about it. I know I probably sound a bit OTT but I'm particularly good at making myself feel guilty about things. Good advice about chatting through it with him and explaining what I would've done differently. Qwertylou - 'sinking feeling' is exactly the right way to describe it, that's how I felt.

One thing I forgot to mention that didn't help on the day is that one of my friends who was there said "If that was me, I would just go and tell him off right now in front of his mum". Which I didn't think was right. Plus she's one of those people who goes a bit too far in these situations - she's very protective of her DS and thinks nothing of shouting at kids she doesn't know in the park who she (often mistakenly) thinks are being a bit rough with him. I think I'm sometimes a bit too mindful of not being 'that' sort of parent, iyswim.