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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to drop out due to friend cheating with married man

29 replies

KT84 · 19/01/2019 16:19

A while ago a friend confided in me she had kissed and been texting and ringing a man we both know, he is married and we both know the wife ( I don't know her well).
I was genuinely shocked by this and advised she stop seeing him before many lives were ruined as both my friend and the man have children.
This came to a head when on a night out I saw him and confronted him about what was going on, which he denied but I had seen some of the messages, which took the wind out of his sails.
He suddenly disappeared 6 months has passed and I have agreed to do a charity event with this friend amongst others as part of a team. There has been a group created where we can discuss the event and she has added this man to it (my friend is organising the event) he has also suddenly started to like all her social media content again.
I'm annoyed because I don't like him and want nothing to do with anything that may be going on. Should I drop out of the event to avoid the situation all together? A massive part of me wants to tell his wife.
AIBU?

OP posts:

Userplusnumbers · 19/01/2019 16:23

If your friend is single she's not cheating, so reserve your judgment for him instead - drop her by all means if you can't stay out of it though.

Regards telling the wife, not your circus, not your monkeys.

Somerville · 19/01/2019 16:29

I’d drop both of them from my social circle, and have done similarly before with skanky cheats. If that means dropping out of the charity event then it’s really unfortunate.

Original poster

KT84 · 19/01/2019 16:33

I haven't started with sponsorship forms yet and would have to drop out before I had begun collecting money. Im really uncomfortable with the situation plus there will be awkwardness from our previous run in
I am annoyed she didn't mention anything about him joining as she knows i wouldn't of wanted to do it.

OP posts:

icecreammonday · 19/01/2019 16:33

I would drop her and tell his wife. Can't stand skanky liars and cheats

Weezol · 19/01/2019 16:36

I'd drop out of the charity thing, and also drop her.

Neverunderfed · 19/01/2019 16:37

I'd drop her too.

AdoreTheBeach · 19/01/2019 17:53

I wonder if you could add the wife to the group chat? Or ask, in the group chat, if (name of wife) will will also be taking part in the event?

PinkHeart5914 · 19/01/2019 17:57

If your friend is single she's not cheating, so reserve your judgment for him instead - drop her by all means if you can't stay out of it though

Oh come on she might not be cheating on anyone but she is knowingly kissing etc a married man, she is happily screwing another woman over and for what? It’s not all on him, the other woman takes some responsibility too I’m afraid

Yes I’d certainly think differently of a friend behaving this way, I doubt I’d be seeing her much

SillySallySingsSongs · 19/01/2019 18:01

I would drop her and tell the wife, especially as you know them both.

Purpleartichoke · 19/01/2019 18:03

Definitely drop out. If the wife is someone you see or chat with, then you have to tell her. If you would have to find a way to contact her, then you aren’t close enough to her social circle to need to disclose.

Butchyrestingface · 19/01/2019 18:04

He suddenly disappeared 6 months has passed...he has also suddenly started to like all her social media content again.

Are you implying that he broke off contact with her for 6 months after your 'intervention' but has started liking her SM activity as a result of renewed contact over the event?

Howdoyoudoit31 · 19/01/2019 18:04

She has no loyalty to the other women and doesn’t owe her anything. If the bloke can’t keep it in his pants then that’s not on her it’s on him. He’s the one that has to stay loyal, not her.

Weezol · 19/01/2019 18:07

Yes. I threw my now XH out for cheating. I blamed him for the most part, but OW knew he was married and knew me as well, so she doesn't get a free pass. I probably split the blame 90% him, 10% her.

If OW had been a total stranger and he'd lied to her about his marital status I wouldn't put any blame at all on OW tbh.

HoraceCope · 19/01/2019 18:14

She is your friend? Butt out with your holier than thou attitude imo

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 19/01/2019 18:18

I saw him and confronted him

Absolutely none of your business

A massive part of me wants to tell his wife.

Why? What would you get out of it? Meddling in other peoples relationships is never done for an altruistic reason, its comes from a place of power as in I know something about you and I can use it to wreck your life . Beware though OP, if you do decide to do this, the wife will blame you, the messenger for destroying her life and that of her children. She may be choosing to 'ostrich', and ignore her DHs dalliances, many women do. You may force her to openly confront what she's been ignoring. Then, if they work past it, you will become the focus, the 'shit stirrrer' who tried to break them up and they will present a united front to your mutual friendship group, and it will be you that is excluded. I've seen it so many times.

Besides, what do you really know, they had a kiss once and flirted.

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2019 18:19

holier than thou attitude

Really? Her 'friend' is (or has been) cheating with a friend's/acquaintance's husband.

She's right to not condone it or be around it.

MeredithGrey1 · 19/01/2019 18:25

If your friend is single she's not cheating, so reserve your judgment for him instead

I find this a really odd way of thinking about it. Sure, she’s not in the wrong as much as he is, and I certainly never believe the “evil husband-stealing woman” trope, but whilst I wouldn’t have an affair with a married man, if I did, I would not see myself as blameless and think “well she’s not my wife, I don’t need to feel guilty about a thing.”

oldowlgirl · 19/01/2019 18:28

I'd drop out of the event & put the reason for dropping out on the group. Plus I'd drop her & tell his wife. She's equally guilty as he is for being a lying cheating fucker & people who know the shit that's going on & keep their mouths shut are also complicit in the deceit. Horrible selfish people all round.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 19/01/2019 18:29

I would want you as my friend, OP. You clearly have morals and integrity. Unlike your mate and her booty call. Drop them both and tell his poor wife.

Original poster

KT84 · 19/01/2019 18:29

Yes butchy it appears that way he vanished after I saw him. not holier than thou horace, just makes me uncomfortable,which she knows.
Plainspeaking agree with some of what you say, it makes me uncomfortable so I am questioning if withdrawing is the better option.

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 19/01/2019 18:31

I don't like him and want nothing to do with anything that may be going on.

See, you don't even know if anything is going on, you just don't like him.

2K19 · 19/01/2019 18:31

OP. the opinions on this thread will be from events in the posters own lives. Do what you feel comfortable with not what others think you should do.

Femaleassassin · 19/01/2019 18:34

Jesus what is it with mumsnetters thinking it's fine to sleep with married men

BoatyMcBoatFace2 · 19/01/2019 18:35

I've never been cheated on but I can imagine how the betrayed party feels.

Your friend has no morals. So time to drop.

oldowlgirl · 19/01/2019 18:37

Couldn't agree more @Femaleassassin - I've never been cheated on but have seen (& can imagine) the devastation it causes & despise people who do that willingly.

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