To want to speak to my kids?

[justanother]

My DD(7) and DS (10) go to their dad's (exH) every Friday night to Saturday night. I called my son's phone today as I wanted to check with my DD which school shoes she wanted (hers are broken and she needed new ones asap) . he answered and had the phone taken off him by his dad and I asked if I could speak to DD and he said "I'd rather you didn't call when they are with me". And that was that. I was literally stood in the shop, she is very fussy so I just wanted to quickly ask which ones she wanted. AIBU??

YANBU at all!

YANBI but Can you not give the 10 yo a cheap mobile phone so you can call the kids directly?

Yanbu! Terrible behaviour.

Do the children talk to their dad while in your care?

That must be so frustrating. In my experience, if possible it's best not to get into any argument and for eg in this instance get the shoes with her on Sunday. Or text your query to him but just ignore him if you get no response. It just causes unnecessary stress for you to get annoying messages like that from him. As long as you know they're safe with him try to give him as little headspace as possible.

Before long they'll be too old to have their phones removed and will be able to see for themselves that he's being controiling. He's doing himself no favours in the long run.

Does their dad phone them when they're with you whenever he wants?

It was my son's phone I was calling, he's almost 11 so I got him a phone of his own. It's made me feel like crap to be honest!
Yes, when he calls I always let him speak to them.

MakeitRain you're right, it's been 6 years and I know I shouldn't let it get to me but it does .

Well you know what to say when he phones them on your time then...

And then tell him to grow the fuck up.

Next time he calls don't let him soak to them on 'your time' them, refer him back to today's conversation for reference "I thought you said you didn't want us to talk to the children when they're with the other parent?" Hopefully he would realise how ridiculous he sounds but I won't hold my breath!

So can't you text your exh to get the info?

Next time he calls don't let him soak to them on 'your time' them, refer him back to today's conversation for reference "I thought you said you didn't want us to talk to the children when they're with the other parent?" Hopefully he would realise how ridiculous he sounds but I won't hold my breath!

To venture an alternative view, I don't think that's entirely fair when the dad only has them for maybe 24h each week and the mum has them for the rest. I mean, mum has 6 other days when she can ask about shoes.

I agree that in an ideal world kids could talk to each parent whenever, but when there's an acrimonious split and the NRP has less time with the children, it's understandable they want to do that uninterrupted by the ex. I can see how he might feel a bit ???? about the choice to do something that requires the child's input when the children aren't with her.

He's not dealt with it well though and could have spoken more politely about it. My other half and his ex have an agreement that they will only call the kids / each other in an emergency but they do not ever prevent the kids from calling the other parent. We find that works well.

Message your Dh and tell him that he needs to ugently take Dd to get shoes seeing that you were stopped for getting the right size and style by him restricting the phone call to check. Remind him she needs them before Monday morning for school.

This shit pisses me off too. My kids are not allowed to call, FaceTime or reply to my texts when with their dad. They are all teens. He says it's because it upsets his gf, her dd sadly died a couple of years ago (suicide). I do understand his point to some degree however they are my children and sometimes we need to speak to each other. I also spilt up with him because he was ridiculously controlling and abusive.

Can you text their dad to ask which shoes she would like?

Simple. Tell him to sort the right shoes out.

Okay so I did text him first but no reply.

If I ever ask him to buy them anything, he won't because he says that's my responsibility. He doesn't buy them any clothes/shoes and I send them on a Friday with clothes for the next day and Friday's stuff comes back to me to wash.

I totally get that he doesn't want to be interrupted, I hardly ever call or text him for that reason!

I think yabu. It wasn't an emergency. And do people really buy shoes without the person there to try on, especially kids? The conversation could have been had tonight when they come home or in the shop tomorrow.
Or alternatively, you could have contacted ex yesterday to let him know she needs shoes. Only an arsehole would then begrudge taking her shoe shopping.

@TopBitchoftheWitches

My kids are not allowed to call, FaceTime or reply to my texts when with their dad. They are all teens. He says it's because it upsets his gf, her dd sadly died a couple of years ago (suicide).

I'm sorry this is ridiculous.

What has communicating with you got to do with her daughter.

I'm surprised he has such control over teenagers and their devices that they can't reply to you.

Surely they aren't banned from contact with their friends during his time...how would anyone know it was you unless it was announced?

OP... YANBU

Her feet haven't grown so I was confident buying shoes without her there, I was getting them from the same shop as the other shoes.

Text the ex and ask him to sort the school shoes

I think YABU. you had all week (or at least as soon as you realised she needed new shoes) to have that conversation with her but instead interrupted their time together.

The irony is that this is probably one of the few times OP gets to herself and she’s spending it sorting out things for the kids whilst the whiny ex gets all controlling. I’m pretty sure from that alone we can tell who’s BU.

Was this one hell of a divorce?

What a sad, bitter wee man. He'd have a point if you were calling all the time, but you're obviously not doing that, and when you did call, it was to benefit the child that you say he won't buy anything because that's your responsibility.

A bit of both maybe, it’s a tough one honestly.

For example from the other side of the coin my SD mum calls and texts all damn day and night when we have her, but yet we know (SD is old enough to tell us) mum doesn’t call at all when she’s with either set of grandparents for weeks at a time in the holidays etc. We’ve had 4 phone calls today alone and god knows how many texts about inane nonsense and she’s only been here since this morn it’s annoying when we barely get 48 hours a week that she can’t just let us have this time you know?

BUT - she has every right to speak to her daughter whether we think she’s being deliberately overbearing or not so we don’t interfere.

It is your sons phone after all, and I assume you purchased it? I would say you have every right to simply ask a question and if it’s not a regular thing then no harm done really.

Though I can see the point of asking in the week about the shoes, I would just get her the closest pair to what she already has and ignore him.

Could you ask him when he brings the kids back as to why he won’t know phone calls? Or send him an email to say you agree to his request of no contact initiated by you on his weekends though to make it clear the kids are always allowed to initiate their own contact with you should they want to. And to ensure he complies with the same requirements he’s set on you.

He’ll soon realise he’s being silly.