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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be so embarrassed?

50 replies

user1496780858 · 19/01/2019 12:35

Just looking for some reassurance really. My son is 4 years old has really poor vision and has the thickest glasses. If he doesn't have them on, he can't see anything and as a result tries to divert attention away from the fact he can't concentrate on his work by basically being a bit loud and obnoxious.

We went to a football lesson today I'd forgotten his glasses - awful mum. There were new boys there and he was being over excited about making new friends. There was one boy he was constantly wrestling and pushing to the ground and the boy was laughing at DS and joining in but the other parents were getting annoyed by this. DS was also constantly running into people (because he's so blind without his glasses) but then laughing about it, so it looked deliberate and THAT was making the other parents annoyed. Then when they were playing tag DS was tagging the other kids and telling them they had to go to jail (Thats what the teachers call it in the game) which then made the same boy get upset. Another boy pushed my DS too hard in tag and DS said "that hurt me, don't hurt me I'm you're friend" to which THAT boy then got upset.

I obviously pulled him aside and told him off about the wrestling and to not be so bossy about the jail thing but I felt so small and embarrassed by the other parents reactions as obviously to them they don't know about his glasses and he's just being obnoxious. I'm also constantly having conversations about consent because he's either hugging people constantly or wrestling and 90% of the time he does listen and understand... today was just not that day and he was overexcited (and blind). Should I apologise to them next time, or just carry on next week with a new slate?

OP posts:

Kandyan89 · 19/01/2019 13:27

Hello guys thanks for your messages, just to clarify he goes to football every week and he loves it. He has a group of friends there and they're all very boisterous boys, but this week he was much more so than usual. I hear your comments about the glasses and I can assure you that I feel really s*** about forgetting them, I am usually very militant about it but I hadnt realised until I got there. But I think he can all agree we've had moments we've forgotten things, my youngest is autistic and was up through the night and as my husband works away 5 nights a week, I am on my own and sleep deprived so I'm not perfect. He's a very loving, caring and affectionate boy but as a few of you have said he needs more work on setting boundaries so I'm going to continue to work hard on that. In relation to his behaviour and glasses, even his teachers have noticed a direct correlation between his behaviour and having them on... I'm not making excuses for him at all. Just aware that it could've been a factor today.

As for the comments saying I'm embarrassed by his thick glasses, how absurd. I'm not worried about thinning them down or anything like that, he loves that he's got "owl eyes" when he has them on and we've been very positive to him about them

PoisonButTasty · 19/01/2019 13:31

The optician pointed out that not thinning the lenses makes them heavier on the face. I wasn’t planning to do it for my DD as wasn’t worried about the aesthetic aspect of it but decided to go for it when this was mentioned as I want her to be comfortable. Just something to keep in mind when he’s having his next frames.

Yabbers · 19/01/2019 13:36

I can assure you that I feel really s* about forgetting them

DD has vision problems. Her glasses go on when she gets up and come off when she goes to bed. One look at her without them and you can see they are forgotten. It sounds like you aren’t making sure he has them on all the time.

Yabbers · 19/01/2019 13:38

Same here. The lighter they are the more likely children keep them on.

tomhazard · 19/01/2019 13:40

My Young DS also has poor vision and needs glasses. if he doesn't wear them he is clumsy but not rough or violent. I think you need to work on helping him with his behaviour, and also make sure he has his glasses all the time - I wouldn't take my DS to an activity without them as he can't manage.

Littlefish · 19/01/2019 13:42

In future, if you forget his glasses, don't let him play. It's not fair on him, or the other players.

In the meantime, it sounds like you need to do some more work with him on appropriate touching.

Fiddie · 19/01/2019 13:48

What's his prescription? He doesn't have to have really thick lenses anymore.

< Misses point of thread >

SoupDragon · 19/01/2019 13:49

he loves that he's got "owl eyes" when he has them on

So why doesn't he have them on all the time given he can't see anything without them and likes them?

FuckingYuleLog · 19/01/2019 15:00

I can see why him being unable to see properly in class could lead to problems with him concentrating and messing about if he can’t do his work but I’ve never heard of a lack of glasses leading to rough behaviour and wrestling people.
You honesty seem to be suggesting he couldn’t see the other players and that’s why he was bumping into them? No matter how strong his prescription he’s not blind so he can make out the outline of a person. The fact he was laughing after he bumped into people suggests very much that he was doing it to be silly. If you stop making excuses for him and tackle the misbehaviour it will improve.

MyFriendGoo5 · 19/01/2019 15:09

Fucking the kids 4.

I can quite see if he can't see the bloody ball he'll try to join in in other ways. 4 year olds don't tend to be very rational, it's the ops job to say we've forgot your glasses, time to leave or even better remember them. They need to.be on constantly other.than for sleeping, ideally with older pairs being kept in the car or wherever for emergency back up.

llangennith · 19/01/2019 15:24

He should have his glasses on all the time from morning till bedtime.
When you realised you'd forgotten them you should've taken him straight home.
Yes 4yo boys mess about but not to the extent that it spoils everyone else's football fun. Again, if he can't play nicely take him home. He'll soon learn not to act up.
Yes you are an awful mum, for not ensuring he wears his glasses and for allowing his 'loud and obnoxious' (your words) behaviour to go unchecked.

AJPTaylor · 19/01/2019 15:30

I think if they are forgotten he should not be playing football if his sight really is that poor.
I agree we all forget things. Just forget it and move on. Next week say to the other parents " can't believe we forgot them last week." Tell him any playing up and he is sitting out.

HomeMadeMadness · 19/01/2019 15:39

There's nothing wrong with rough play and wrestling - it's actually in important part of development. Kids just need to know when it's appropriate. He's only 4 and he was a bit rambunctious at one football lesson. It's not a big deal at all. You pull him up on it at the time then forget about it.

FuckingYuleLog · 19/01/2019 18:13

I would be surprised if he couldn’t see the ball (and also questioning why the op thought it appropriate to proceed with a football class and not turn around and go home once she realised he didn’t have them).
And anyway ‘joining in’ doesn’t mean repeatedly banging into people and laughing. That is a behavioural issue. A lack of glasses doesn’t make someone do that. He clearly could see people as he was targeting them and would have to be genuinely blind not to be able to see someone the size of himself close up.
If you’ve given one warning for him to stop doing it and he continues in future just take him home.

metronome1 · 19/01/2019 18:26

Oh come on, people here are way ott about the forgotten glasses. Op said she felt awful. They forgot. It happens. Pat on the back for the perfect parents who never forget anything.

Op don't worry about your boy being a bit rough. I bet the other parents were not as annoyed as you thought. They will have forgotten by next game.
Just have a word with your son and make sure you take him out of the activity if he is being rough or giddy and give him time to calm down.

sluj · 19/01/2019 18:37

Ok the OP has said she feels awful about the glasses but I bet the OP doesn't have bad eyesight. Unless you do, you can't begin to realise what it's like not to be able to see properly. It is so difficult to even function without your glasses, I'm surprised your poor son even wanted to have a try at playing.

OP, it's your job to make sure h
e has them on as soon as he wakes up until bedtime. You are responsible for that, he is at a serious disadvantage unless you take care of it.

MyFriendGoo5 · 19/01/2019 19:02

Fucking, I'm a minus 8. Believe me I wouldn't be able.to make a football out without my specs........ certainly not well enough to kick it. I don't even leave the house without them, it's incredibly disorientating.

I can see a 4 year olds logic being well I can't play that came so.im going to make them play one I can play. Bearing in mind the kid is four. Kids don't tend to think very logically at that age.

FuckingYuleLog · 19/01/2019 19:24

If it is the case that he couldn’t see the ball then why bother taking him once it was apparent he didn’t have his glasses? Surely it would just be a complete waste of time.
And the ball wasn’t actually the issue - it was bumping into other people and laughing who he definitely would have been able to see. The op says in her first post that he was bumping into them because he’s so blind without his glasses but the parents thought it was on purpose. If that’s not making excuses I don’t know what is. If he can’t make out a person right next to him he has a sight problem that is beyond what glasses could fix!

metronome1 · 19/01/2019 19:39

I think the op was exaggerating about the extent of his poor vision. Not meaning that in an awful way op to you. Lots of people say blind or whatever when they don't actually mean that

FuckingYuleLog · 19/01/2019 19:45

Fair enough if it was just a casual way of saying his eyesight is very bad but the op was saying her son wasn’t bumping into people on purpose and couldn’t see them. That’s obviously not the case. The other parents were right to think it was on purpose - he was crashing into people and laughing!
If the op is going to insist it’s accidental then she’s not going to be dealing with it. I suspect that is what the other parents were annoyed about.

metronome1 · 19/01/2019 19:51

@FuckingYuleLog I agree with you. If he was bumping into people because he couldn't see them, then his eyesight is beyond what glasses will fix. This is why I think maybe it was an exaggeration. I commented on all the people going on about forgetting the glasses like it's the worst thing ever.
I do think op needs to look at her sons behaviour and nip it in the bud. But it's nothing to do with glasses

FuckingYuleLog · 19/01/2019 20:57

I agree with that. My dc forget their glasses the odd time and I forget to remind them. For eg they’ll take them off to put a jumper on before leaving the house and I won’t realise they aren’t wearing them until we’re nearly at our destination.
I think people were more surprised that they still went to football if he couldn’t really participate.

Simploesoozie · 19/01/2019 21:05

Hi all, the OP here. I had deleted my account after this thread but now have come back just to clear a few things up cause I'm obviously getting roasted very badly.

@metronome1 is right, I was probably using 'blind' in a casual way and will have to be less glib about the language I use in future! But yes, he's not blind, but is very short sighted; he can see things immediately in front of him but everything else is a blur. When I say he was constantly running into people its because he was looking down at this feet/ball and couldn't focus on his immediate surroundings or anything far away that was coming towards him. One eye is much worse than the other and it makes his depth perception out of whack. Again, my fault for forgetting the glasses and as some have said, yes an awful mother. I let him play anyway because he only got his glasses about 3 months ago but was playing in this team before that; in fact I was thinking of pulling him out before we got his eyesight diagnosed cause he wasn't concentrating and messing around - but his teacher convinced me to keep persevering with him as he enjoyed it and I was more conscious and anxious of him being a distraction more than the teacher was.

The reason I'm confident it wasn't on purpose because whilst we were waiting for his glasses and he would fall/trip/bump into things we used to make it a thing to laugh it off so he wouldn't feel self conscious and he was doing it in that same way today. I've spoken to him anyways about running into people, just in case this was him being deliberate and we've spoken about how it could be seen as bulling and how it would make people feel and he cried because he thought he'd upset his friends.

And I'm not saying he's not got bad behaviour - the whole reason for this post is cause I felt embarrassed he was being so full on and playing up and the other parents looked so annoyed about it and I felt guilty.

Also to clarify, EVERY TIME he was being boisterous I was pulling him up on it; to the point that I walked onto the pitch and told him if he didn't stop wrestling we would be going home. He stopped the wrestling but was obviously still very rambunctious for the rest of the lesson, as my post says.

I have severe anxiety, especially about social situations. I worry about every time my kid acts up in public and what people think of me to the point that its debilitating. I was wanting to contact one of the other mums there but decided to come in here instead to maybe just get a few supportive comments and maybe help on how to approach the parents if you thought I should apologise. I've never posted here before and wasn't aware (as I've been told now) that an AIBU post is usually quite harsh.

I've actually now contacted one of the mums and a dad there and they told me that they didn't even really notice. That its a relaxed group to have fun and each week one kids plays up anyway and not to worry. Thanks to the supportive comments on the post.

metronome1 · 19/01/2019 21:30

Op don't beat yourself up. You are not a bad mum. All kids can be little monsters from time to time. I bet no one gave a monkeys. I have felt like you loads of times but every one understands. My oldest was awful today at a play date. I apologised but the mum was like don't worry they are all like that.

As for the glasses thing, it happens. I have forgotten my own and my kids once or twice.
My dd is actually blind in one eye and almost blind in the other and I still take her to activities. Should blind people not take part? According to a few pp they shouldn't. I was also blind temporarily as a young child (I have a rare eye condition) so I do know how it feels and kids adapt and cope. I forgot dd1 glasses still.
I often wonder if aibu is another dimension

FuckingYuleLog · 20/01/2019 00:14

In fairness op any child who just looks at the ball is going to bump into a lot of people and risk hurting themselves and others. Laughing when bumping into things might be ok but I’d expect a 4yo to be taught that it’s not an appropriate reaction to bumping into, and potentially hurting, other people.

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