To ask whether there's an app to help share the mental load?

[Agrippina90]

I see so many threads where one person shouldering the entire mental load is wearing that person out. DH and I do share the mental load but things seem to fall between the cracks, meaning stress and recriminations. I just spent an hour looking online for a household management app but nothing seemed quite right and I'd rather not have one app for meal planning, one for chores etc. I'm guessing that if the app I'm dreaming of exists then people on here will know about it...

Yes. I believe it's called a wife.

If you design it I can get my husband to develop the app 😁

It needs to be like the project management system we use at work where you can set up recurring tasks as well as standalone tasks and assign tasks to different people as well as both. They can tick when completed. You can also set up dependencies so eg if one task gets delayed and the next task can’t be done until the other one is then the system moves the whole thing along in the timeline.

The problem is a lot of stuff is just stuff you ‘know’ eg it’s DDs friends birthday next weekend so need to get a card and present
I ‘know’ that she’s not a girly girl, loves football but does do some craft stuff.
I could send DH out to get a present but he doesn’t ‘know’ the above so would come back with something completely unsuitable - eg something more suited to DD who he does know!
Therefore I would have to explain all of the above which means the ‘mental’ load is still on me even though DH would be doing the ‘physical’ load!!

Plus he wouldn’t even think about wrapping paper!!

Trello is a task sharing app, which might be what you’re after.

Brie that is exactly, exactly it! The stuff I know and he doesn't! I'm thinking that if we started using an app then firstly some of that stuff would end up in writing as well as in my head, and new stuff I know would go in the app straight away.

I was going to suggest Trello too

Wunderlist is a to-do list app that allows assigning of tasks etc but tbh we have tried it and partner just forgets to check it and doesn’t add anything to it so

We just used shared notes on our phones and have a weekly family meeting.

In the example you’ve given, you use trello & susie’s birthday is an outstanding task in the ‘to do’ column. Then within that you have a checklist- buy card, present, paper. Then in notes you say what susie likes.

Then whoever does it ticks it off, or ticks off the parts they’ve done.

Just use a shared google calendar.
I have fortnightly reminders for bins or recycling but you can put anything on with weekly/monthly/daily notifications or one offs.

I’m single now, but when I was married there was a whole other mental load I didn’t really know about, around home maintenance and cars and stuff. My husband was very good at ‘blokey’ stuff, so I didn’t have to think about it.

susie’s birthday is an outstanding task in the ‘to do’ column. Then within that you have a checklist- buy card, present, paper. Then in notes you say what susie likes

But the point of the mental load is that actually buying and warpping the gift isn’t the annoying bit. It’s being the one expected to reply to the invitation (tell DCs to pass invitations straight to dad?!) being the one to add this task to the calendar (expect him to do that when he gets the invitation) listening to the DD talk about her friend or paying close enough attention during play dates to know what she likes and add that to the list (dad has to host some play dates or actually talk to his DD) so there’s a lot of background work to be done to take that particular task off one parent and onto the other, not just adding a note to buy wrapping paper - which should be obvious to anyone who’s ever given a gift btw, but somehow isn’t because we tend to think ahead and buy paper when we see it, not pick it up on the day, so they get used to there being a selection of suitable papers in the cupboard!!

I use Trello for work - I guess I wanted something that would do a bit more of the work for me! Individual apps look great - like meal planning ones that create a shopping list from the recipe and have other specific meal-related features - but I fear that multiple apps would lead to slips too. Looks like I shall just have to go with a to-do list and forego the fancy features then (whilst hoping someone sees this and designs the app). Thanks everyone!

I was going to suggest wunderlist too. And fam cal which is another shared calendar app which also as shopping lists, shared to dos and memos, but it's remembering to check it I suppose. It's all about being organised and working together. Saying that I do everything 'mental' now so it clearly is a personal thing (I don't mind doing the mental stuff, but we don't have DC so this may change in the future!)

Raging yes you're completely right. DH is enthusiastic about trying to share the mental load more effectively - I think we're hampered by having little time to get things done and a slight tendency on my part to take charge because it's quicker in the short term. I hoped an app might create more cooperation...

But comparatively speaking, how often does that happen compared the usual 'wife stuff'?

ragingwhorebag (good name btw) I’m not denying the whole mental load thing but I think some of the things you’ve listed are choices.

With DH & I, whoever picks DC up that day tends to get the invites. I never listen in on conversations enough to get an idea of what a kid wants for their birthday (I’m not a good person, I’m just deaf). I ask their parents or I ask DC or I stick a tenner in a card either me or DH are capable of this. It’s literally a case of remembering.

@RagingWhoreBag
Exactly!
DH will do things IF I ask him to and will do lots of things IF he notices they need doing but the MENTAL load is the fact that is (and it’s nornally the women of the family) remember what needs doing when, what supplies we need to get to do that task, how long it’s been since it was last done, who’s going where when so x needs locating and child A needs picking up from there but we need cheese so I need to swing by the shop on my way home.
Men would not realise we need cheese until they come to cook and then need to go back out to get it

This cartoon that’s been doing the rounds for ages explains it well

www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear#page-3

I think the best way is to make a clear cut. I got abused for giving my examples on another thread, but it works for me.

School: I do
Clubs: DH
Food shop: me
Cars: DH

So if there's something DH needs to be involved in for school, like sport day, I email him (or his PA to put in his calendar )
Same about clubs, but I don't get involved AT ALL otherwise.

We have a family calendar so we can see what's happening at any point of course, but the responsibility of certain areas are entirely on one person shoulder. Mental load shared, we are all happy.

Brie I've not seen that cartoon but it is a very neat way of illustrating it (DH likes it too). An app can't make him see the dirty towel on the floor but I do think it could undermine the hierarchy. I think something more sophisticated than a shared calendar or to-do list (which we already have) could have the necessary disruptive effect and create the conditions for us both to throw off our social conditioning and do things differently. Shame it doesn't exist!

Agree with a PP, we use google calendar and it works well. To be fair I deal with the vast majority of mental load but our calendar is full of reminders for various things.