To be angry that this Dad won't pay maintenance?

[SatsumaFan]

I'll keep personal details a little vague so as not to be outing.

Close family member has a daughter, who is married with a 5yo. She split with her husband towards the end of last year. She moved out into a council flat, and altho he said she could take anything she wanted out of the house they own, she won't be getting any money out of it (they're both on the mortgage, bought the house 7 years ago). I think this is so wrong

Despite him always slating Dads he knows not paying anything in maintenance, he is now refusing on the grounds that the Mum works full time?! And he has the child EOW and takes her to school a few mornings a week.

AIBU to think he's wrong and a massive hypocrite? The family member/Mum doesn't want to rock the boat so is going along with it, and is refusing to consult a solicitor for advice.

She's also always saying she has no money (she's in a fairly low paid admin job, doesn't have a career as such...unlike him!).

Give her the number of a good divorce lawyer!

She won't listen to reason, from me or her own Mum We think she's scared of him, if not physically then mentally/emotionally?

If she won't help her child there's not much you can do.

I know, which is why I haven't spoken to either of them about it. Just supporting the Grandmother who I'm very close to, and is so upset about it all. I know it's none of my business, just wanted other people's opinions on the matter...

He can't stop her having a share of the house. They're married with a child - she has rights.

I would encourage her to not speak directly to him about anything financial and go via Solicitor all the way.

He doesn’t get a choice not to pay, contact CMA, and get a divorce lawyer, he may not want to pay anything but he doesn’t get that option

If she chooses not to do anything about it, then more fool her.

It sounds like a very strange situation, I'd have to agree she sounds scared of him - why else do that your child? Definitely a good solicitor is the way to go - there are laws re. maintenance for a reason. He keeps the house and she gets nothing and no maintenance either?!
I don't think there's much you can do OP, in fact if that's how she wants it I'm afraid there's nothing you can do

Apparently she won't speak to a solicitor. They're going to wait 2yrs before getting a divorce...

It's not up to him what she's entitled to. If they were married she's entitled to her share of the house and also child maintenance at least.

More fool her is she doesn't want it. Not really fair on the kid though is it? Not sure what the point of posting about it is if the only answer is 'she won't' without wanting to sound too harsh.

I'd be tempted to give her some space re practicalities - and very undemanding support. She has already left the house so that can't be undone. But the rest she has time on. If there was a divorce happening without a financial settlement that would be a problem. But as far as I can see while she is still married her interest in the joint home is secure.

Re the child it doesn't sound like there is a pattern/norm re childcare being established that she might regret long term.

She may just need time. If she is wary of him then leaving is a huge step she has taken and shows strength.

Also while this seems a terrible deal there may be more to it that only they know. Maybe it was the only way to run two households. Many couple don't separate because they can't afford to. Eg, if she is on low income she will get help re housing etc if renting, whereas he wouldn't if income higher. She would also get help with rent, not with mortgage.

But she needs a long term arrangement to reflect the position in the future where he has equity (and perhaps better pension.)

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, esp @LoveliestFriendEver - lots of useful advice and info there. Yes you're right her interest in the house must be secure whilst they're married. Let's hope she sees sense in the next few months and consults a solicitor.

As far as I'm aware she's not claiming any benefits but like you say, the couple are the only ones who know everything.

They split in Oct and it was her decision, so think she feels guilty.

She may well feel guilty. Its not a good position to negotiate from. Focusing on providing for DC is a good way to get through.

I'd encourage mediation when she is ready. Might seem less antagonistic. Expensive but worth it for long term security. Solicitor will point her in that direction anyway. Sometimes discussion is easier when emotions have settled.

If anyone gets a chance gentle messages that the guilt is misplaced might help.... it might help her to hear if things weren't right she has made a brave decision that will be better for all of them long term, even her ex. That thought really helped me feel less guilty and focus on securing the future.

I don't understand why you are so over involved in this persons relationship. You can only give her the information and it is her choice whether to use that information or not.

@LoveliestFriendEver thank you so so much! You have given some brilliant advice - I have another friend going thru a difficult situation/split and I'm going to be copying and pasting your post to her.

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking I have known this person all my life, I love her to bits and am very close to her Mum/the Grandmother who is confiding in my almost daily and is distraught about it all. I'm just looking for different views.

Love to know where in the country you can move out of private accommodation into council accommodation!

@2isur2isubicurtis4me she moved out of her own home with her 5yo and moved in with a relative for a few weeks...maybe she declared herself homeless? Or maybe she's paying privately for the 'council' flat (it's in a block of mostly council owned flats but maybe it's not).