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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what to expect from this?

49 replies

CandyCreeper · 19/01/2019 10:23

My childs school has reported me to social services.

I suffer from anxiety and am now worried about whats going to happen. My child is in reception and made false comment. (about smacking) I am now terrified of SS coming. I know they look in every room in the house and my house is far from a show home. Has anyone had this happen and what was the outcome? I now feel like they all think
im abusive which couldnt be further from the truth.

Any advice?

OP posts:
LittleLongDog · 19/01/2019 12:30

the school asked him if I hit all the children

As a teacher you’re not allowed to ask leading questions is a situation like this. But I suppose they could have said something like ‘how is [your baby brother]?’

EssexGurl · 19/01/2019 12:30

We had this a few years. DS was in process of getting assessed and school were handling him badly. He was Y5 and an issue with his teacher led to accusation he’d been hit by DH.

We were reported to SS. I had one phone call from them. Talked through the situation. They felt it was a non-issue and closed the case there and then.

I was devasted though and cried for about a week. But nothing happened, they asked questions, listened to me and that was that.

So, hopefully similar for you, fingers crossed.

CandyCreeper · 19/01/2019 12:37

Thats how I feel EssexGurl, Ive been crying about it even though it isnt true and I know this but its just the thought of even being accused. I was on the phone to my dad yesterday in tears and he couldnt believe it, as he knows I would never ever do anything like it! its just not my style everyone says how patient I am. Son doesnt realise how serious this is, He definitely said they asked him if all children were hit are they not allowed to do that? infact they went to speak to all of them and asked if mummy hits them! So now I feel like all their teachers know and are judging me. (Anxiety doesnt help Sad im embarrased to go to school on monday)

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CandyCreeper · 19/01/2019 12:42

Just checked again and he said they asked him 3 questions, If I hit him, If I hit the baby and If I hit his siblings. 🤔

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Passmethecrisps · 19/01/2019 12:42

Don’t be embarrassed. They will have had to talk to all the kids - I have been asked to do that by social services as it is less threatening than a random turning up. But they should not ask direct or leading questions.

It is horrible and obviously very distressing. But try to keep a level head about it and wait until social work actually talk to you.

Stompythedinosaur · 19/01/2019 13:03

This is not going to as big a deal as you fear.

I think the school have done the right thing with an allegation like that. It is a bit beyond saying he gets smacked.

You will probably get either a phone call or a visit from SS. Be open and co-operative and that will be the end of it. They won't mind if your house is untidy as long as it looks like you dc have beds, clothes, toothbrushes and enough food.

UncommonName · 19/01/2019 13:05

Dealing with social services can be scary, my ex maliciously reported me twice to them.

In my experience they call to set up a time they can visit, when they visit they'll have a calm chat with you, take some details etc.
They must have noticed how terrified I was because she assured me "they didn't have car seats waiting for the kids to leave".
They'll probably take a look around your home yes, my house isn't a show home either but as long as it's a reasonable standard it's fine. My DD started dragging all of her toys out to show the social worker Hmm
Afterwards she went up to my kids room where they'd been sent to play while I spoke to her and had a chat with them, the school were contacted and they asked permission to have a look at medical records. The case was closed after they seen everything was fine.

The second time my ex reported me they came out to see me, then went to see the kids at school to speak to them then again the case was closed.

Try not to worry too much, if all is well I'm sure they'll see it Thanks

redyawn · 19/01/2019 13:10

Preschool reported me to SS because they said that DD had bruises. (She didn't). SS phoned me up and we agreed that they wouldn't bother coming to see me. End of story. I was absolutely fuming with preschool and took DD out and sent her to another one.

RedHelenB · 19/01/2019 13:16

Teachers are trained in safeguarding and know not to ask leading questions like does mummy ever hit you? How do you know SS have even been informed? If you havent hurt your children you honestly have nothing to worry about.

CandyCreeper · 19/01/2019 13:29

My older child has backed up the younger one saying he was asked these direct questions. I believe them as I cant see them shouting out “oh and she hits the baby too” I believe that would have needed to be asked but yes both children have said the teachers asked them 3 questions.

Its not about if I havent its about proving I havent which how can I? School said they have reported it to SS. Infact they told me they called them to ask what should be done after the allegation.

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Surfingtheweb · 19/01/2019 13:50

When my daughter was 4 I picked her up one day and one of the school staff asked how are dog was. I thought that was a weird question so I look confused & said she's fine why? My daughter has created an elaborate story about the dog being ill & at the vets etc? No idea why, or where it came from.
Anyway with what your child has said the school have to report a safeguarding issue. Due to their age & allegations the safe guarding team might want to see you, the kids & home, but they may just call you. They'll ask you questions, ask for your permission for police, probation & the doctors to be contacted & asked if there have been any events, injuries, appointments / missed appointments for kids that suggest abuse / neglect & they will ask the same for you to look for MH / substance / DV issues. They will probably want that kind of info from the school too, signs of neglect, absence, lateness at drop off & collection. Abused kids & well cared for kids will produce very different results to all those questions.
I'd probably have a word with the child if I was you & talk about the importance of telling the truth & not telling jokes that would make people worry.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 19/01/2019 13:53

School said they have reported it to SS. Infact they told me they called them to ask what should be done after the allegation.

Ah, this makes more sense to me: We often ring SS for advice after a disclosure without it being an actual referral. SS will then tell us what to do next (often: Ask the child/ren specific question(s) and report back to them).

How did your oldest child answer the questions?

It's very likely the school will have reported these answers to SS who will have then said "yes, do a referral" or (more likely) nothing more will happen.

I'd be amazed if there was a referral from the information you've given, and if there WAS, I would imagine it would be 'no further action'd' pretty quickly, as long as their investigation confirms everything you've written here

CandyCreeper · 19/01/2019 14:02

They said someone from SS will want to speak to me. My older child said no but my other child “didnt answer” she has asd and limited receptive communication so that doesnt surprise me.

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CandyCreeper · 19/01/2019 14:07

Please this cant be serious, My older child has said they asked if our house was messy?! is this seriously ok? He is adamant that was asked, im in shock 😐

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CandyCreeper · 19/01/2019 14:12

HE was also asked if mummy shouts or gets angry. Is this school out to get me or something.

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newyearnewwhat · 19/01/2019 14:13

How do you know ss have been informed? We would never disclose this to a parent, have ss contacted you?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 19/01/2019 14:15

OP I have had SS involvement and no one ever asked to see round my house. I fully expected them to and I made sure but it was spotless for every visit but they never asked.

CandyCreeper · 19/01/2019 14:17

They said they called SS before I came to ask for advice, SS then said to speak to me and hear my side, she also said after that SS will want to speak to me.

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Oratorio · 19/01/2019 14:37

newyear Schools should tell parents that they have referred to social care, unless it’s an immediate child protection issue.

CandyCreeper · 19/01/2019 14:44

This happened yesterday so havent heard from SS yet. I imagine that will be next week.

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Oratorio · 19/01/2019 14:45

Candy I wouldn’t expect social workers to be poking round your house in this case, they may want to speak to your child at school, and will speak with you, but the focus will be on what your child has said. Unless there are concerns about neglect, hygiene, food etc, they won’t be interested in this.

Posterbook · 19/01/2019 15:24

Hey OP, a social worker here. First point to make is different social workers do things differently so there's no one rule about whether they'd speak to you over the phone, visit or where they would ask to see in the house. Good practice would be to visit you to talk face to face, and of course to see the child (this is important because the child is the reason for the referral and has to be the focus)

From what you've said, they're not concerned about you smacking your child in a way that is illegal, ie causing injury, because as you rightly pointed out if they had he wouldnt' have been allowed to go home with you without a medic checking him over.

If I'd been told what you're child said i'd be wondering about a couple of things - is he wetting at home and is he getting into trouble for it? Are you struggling at home with a new baby and an older child and should any help be offered? Are you smacking and if so is it because you don't have an alternative way of dealing with it? Is there something else going on and your child is trying to get attention in some way?
Please note none of those are accusations, but they are plausible issues from the comments made that i'd want to consider and either rule out or try and help.
One thing to bear in mind is we know children sometimes make things up. We don't focus on 'proving' - we look at what's plausible. But its not as simple as 'a smack = bad, no smack = fine'. For example, children who are anxious about something or upset about something themselves might say that an adult shouted at them, when nothing was said. It can be a way for a child to express the anxiety or upset they felt by transferring it to someone else. With regular wetting, lots of children find it really embarrassing and can get into a vicious cycle where they try and ignore the issue and it makes it worse.

The standard that social workers have to look at is 'good enough' care. The threshold for that (directed by the family court) would be seen as remarkably low to most parents. We aren't checking for show homes or perfect parents or one way of bringing up children, we're checking that people are getting the basics right to keep the alive. Beyond that we'll offer support if we've got services that can help, and often that's not about there being problems with parenting but ways to make a tough job harder (eg support around routines and boundaries, because the difference between an Ok routine and a good routine when you've got multiple under 5s for example, can make a big difference to how much sleep a parent gets!)

blubberhouse · 19/01/2019 15:35

Hi,

We had a visit from Children's Social Care in a similar situation (my children were a little older). I was very worried and did not know what to expect.

Our eldest has autism, so one of the social workers was a Learning Disabilities SW (not that autism is a learning disability).

When the social workers visited, it seemed to be quite an informal discussion and in the end there was no action taken.

However, we were given advice about some extra support my son could receive.

The visit (if there is one) could be an opportunity for a little extra support for your family to be discussed, if you feel you need it or wish to take it.

My eldest wet the bed until well into his teens.

CandyCreeper · 19/01/2019 22:09

Thank you for the recent comments, Im feeling slightly better but as you can imagine just want it over and done with.

Would it be reasonable for me to contact the school on monday to speak to them about the questions they asked my son?

I feel like I need to “clear my name” so to speak, I barely spoke in the meeting as I was speechless and upset. I came to school to pick him up at his class as usual and he wasnt there, all the teacher would tell me was that I had to go to the main reception. where I was met by the head teacher and taken to her office to explain. I feel like the other parents must have known something was up, although maybe im being paranoid.

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