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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown men 40+ plus calling my 18 year old a slag across the street

59 replies

Inliverpool1 · 18/01/2019 21:17

She’s in the shower scrubbing herself because she feels “filthy”. I said they were probably drunk and it’s a reflection on them nobody else and she did the right thing to keep walking so nothing else happened. She’s screaming and hitting the walls and apparently it’s all my fault.
I don’t know what to say to her

OP posts:
Monkeybusiness2 · 18/01/2019 22:20

I am second to think something else may have happened. It reminds me straightaway of a horrible experience which happened to me at 15. I will not write the details. I will never forget. I got in the shower and scrubbed myself. I also hit walls to graze my hands. Talk to her.

buckeejit · 18/01/2019 22:21

If you can work out who they are, I'd complain. Did you complain about the counsellor? That is awful, but again, not your fault.

Monkeybusiness2 · 18/01/2019 22:21

Something may not have happened today but previously and these were the men involved.

Klopptimist · 18/01/2019 22:26

Took her to a counselling and they basically told her to get over it - that’s the bit that’s my fault - I took her to the wrong person

No love, that is NOT your fault. Not at all. The only person to blame for this is the counsellor. You both put your trust in this person and they failed you. You mustn't blame yourself.

Bellasorellaa · 18/01/2019 22:28

She’s screaming and hitting the wall over someone calling her a slag?
I think something more has happened

And I have had this done to me I don’t understand why men need you to know they find you attractive

Which I bet if true and nothing else happened ... she told them to fuck off and their reaction was to abuse her

ohhelpohnoitsa · 18/01/2019 22:28

This is alarmist, and sorry in advance, but do you think its worth keeping her clothing safe just in case there is more to it than she has so far disclosed.

MitziK · 18/01/2019 22:38

Ummm. Are you sure that boy just hit her for refusing sex?

That sounds far more like the reaction of somebody who was actually raped.

Angryresister · 18/01/2019 22:44

Yes there is probably more to it. This is happening to girls a lot and it could be setting off a reaction to something that happened before. Have a look at some of the feminist boards to see that this is unacceptable behaviour at the very least and likely more serious. Keep talking but preferably listening and giving her lots of love and reassurance.

rytonsister · 18/01/2019 22:55

Very extreme reaction to some name calling .

Can you sit her down and talk?

waitingforthenextbus · 19/01/2019 07:44

It’s horrible, I had sexual comments from grown men and teenaged boys from the age 12/13 even in my school uniform and it made me horribly self conscious. I was shocked. But I never scrubbed myself in the shower - is something else going on and this was the final straw? I’d check her social media/ phone etc.
Men won’t stop doing this so you need to talk to her about it and about the kind of men who do and what she can do in different situations and about how this is about them and not her

user1483387154 · 19/01/2019 07:48

A very extreme reaction to being called a name. The men were idiots . She definitely needs some support or counselling if you can convince her to go again . Poor girl

GloomyMonday · 19/01/2019 07:53

The strong reaction suggests shame, she thinks they're right. I agree, more to it.

Shallishanti123 · 19/01/2019 07:53

How are things today, OP?

Gina2012 · 19/01/2019 08:32

I can relate.

She needs to see a Counsellor who will take her seriously

Can you afford to pay for counselling for her?

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 19/01/2019 08:39

She’s still asleep, I’ve hardly slept.
What’s frustrating is that I said to her it’s their issue, nothing to do with her and we as women can’t stop it it has to come from them. And that’s when she went batshit, said I made her feel worst like she had no control in her life. I’m sick to death of anything that “goes wrong” in her life is my fault.

I can’t afford to pay for counseling at the moment. I can take her and pick her up from school though so this doesn’t happen again

OP posts:
Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 19/01/2019 08:40

She’d break my arm if I tried to look at her phone.

OP posts:
Gina2012 · 19/01/2019 10:01

Bless you. I can really understand your dilemma. It's awful.

Are there any lady GPs at your surgery who you could 'sound out' beforehand as to their ability to be understanding and empathic?

Then take your DD to see her?

palmette · 19/01/2019 10:07

Not a nice situation at all. Being called names by men that age, or anyone, is not ok. Although it does sound perhaps something more went on, or if there is something else this has triggered. I personally can’t imagine going quite that crazy over being called that. Having had racist abuse shouted at me by a car, I was furious, but that was that, and just bitched about it.
Having been kissed and touched when I really didnt want to, by someone near enough double my age, I did feel icky. I think I did have a shower actually.

So check nothing more happened, otherwise sounds a case of more going on than just this incident, or
perhaps she’s after some attention.

Gina2012 · 19/01/2019 10:09

It's possible your DD has body dismorphya

Dieu · 19/01/2019 10:12

I would kill the fucking cunts.
Hope you and your daughter are ok (and no, it's definitely not your fault). Thanks

Mrscaindingle · 19/01/2019 10:19

Definitely agree with everyone else that there is something else going on and unfortunately at this age you will bear the brunt of her anger even though none of it is your fault.
I would counsel against picking her up and taking her to school as a way of coping as she then learns to avoid things to deal with her anxiety and this actually makes it worse in the long run. I do understand you feel the need to protect her and it's shit that men feel they can behave like this. At her age I'd been harassed for sex and flashed at a few times and this was common amongst my friends.
I would speak to your GP (or school if they have any pastoral care ) and ask for some help for her.

Original poster
Inliverpool1 · 19/01/2019 10:19

Dieu - my thoughts exactly, I understand why nobody got involved but I wouldn’t have stood by and allowed that to happen to anyone woman personally and probably would have been assulted for my trouble

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 19/01/2019 10:21

It is an extreme reaction but it makes me so angry that your DD or any woman should just have to get used to it and accept this shit as part of normal life.
What a bunch of bastards.

AlexaAmbidextra · 19/01/2019 10:35

It's possible your DD has body dismorphya

Gina. Do you have any idea what body dysmorphia actually means? I can assure you it isn’t this.

Alanamackree · 19/01/2019 10:39

If you are able to get her to counseling again, ask the counselor about her experience with victims of sexual assault.

There are different philosophies/approaches to therapy, eg someone trained in cbt will have a different focus and method to someone trained in a gestalt/holistic method.

These are things that impact on the counseling experience because it isn’t one size fits all.

Ask lots of questions!