Smoky home

[YoSoyLaPrincesa]

So 4 year old dd's grandparents on her dad's side (we aren't together any more) have recently started making the effort again after 2 or 3 years of NC.

The NC was due to them smoking and refusing not to smoke when they came to visit us, and me not wanting dd to go to their (smoky) house as a baby/toddler - she is prone to coughs and a bad chest, but even if she wasn't, I still wouldn't be OK with the smoke.

So at Christmas time, dd's dad was over (he works abroad) and he took dd to his parents house for Christmas dinner - there was nothing I could do to stop him. Apparently it was fine and not smoky.

So last week I received a call from dd's grandparents, asking if they could have dd for the afternoon at their house - previous contact has been somewhere neutral like a shopping centre. I agreed on the basis that they didn't smoke in front of her and that the house wouldn't be smoky - they assured me that it would be fine.

I dropped dd off and the house stunk of tobacco and smoke, I picked her up 3 hours later and could smell it on her hair and her clothes.

This weekend they have asked to see her again at their house but I don't know whether I'm being too OTT or if my reaons for not wanting her to go are valid. I trust that they're not smoking in her presence but the house is that of 2 chainsmokers and as a result, it stinks.

It's nice that they want to have contact, and I know dd enjoys seeing them. But what do I do? AIBU by not letting her go?

Smoke does stink to non-smokers, so yuck. OTOH, if they are nice people and good grandparents, I'd personally encourage a relationship between your child and them - having grandparents can be such a fantastic thing for a child that it seems sad to deprive yours of them. And (though I know lots of people will harrumph at this) a lot of us grew up in the 60s and 70s with chainsmoking parents and survived the smokey grossness, not knowing any better. (I hope they aren't actually smoking around her, obviously.)

YANBU. I wouldn't let my children go to a smoky home like that. If her clothes and hair are absorbing the smell then she's breathing it in too.

I'd encourage them to see her elsewhere, at her dad's maybe, or take her out somewhere.

If you trust that they are not smoking in her presence it's probably just the stench that gets into sofas etc. With her dad overseas, their help is probably a good thing so worth washing clothes for. We always shower after visiting grandad as it does get everywhere, however it's a greater good situation

I agree that grandparents are a lovely thing for children to have but I can't comfortably allow her to go there when it smells so bad. As Piewife said, she's clearly breathing it in if it's in the air enough to affect the smell of her hair and clothes. I just know that it will cause an argument when I bring it up. Dd's dad doesn't have a home here so it's either my house or a public place.

They may not smoke in front of your child but the house will be full of nicotine and she will also be breathing in contaminated air.
Do not allow your child to be exposed to these dangers, you are her guardian and responsible for her welfare.