Dropping in on friend unannounced (MH related)

[Hallouminati]

A friend of mine has been struggling with anxiety and depression which rapidly deteriorated about 3 years ago. She had to leave her job as a result and has been reclusive ever since. She will only leave the house if she has to and even then it's a huge struggle.

I've not seen her in person since it happened even though she lives relatively nearby. We stay in touch by email but any attempts to meet in person are politely declined. Her emails are friendly, but also evasive and controlled and she doesn't like to speak on the phone either. Other friends in her social circle are in the same situation.

One of her friends, let's call her Helen, thinks the answer is to drop in unannounced with a valid reason eg to hand over something that couldn't be posted through the letterbox or left outside. Her view is that our friend has been isolating herself for too long and that she would improve if she got out of her comfort zone. Helen thinks we are the friends to make that happen.

Our friend HAS been advised by her therapist to step out of her comfort zone but I think she should be doing this on her own terms and it's not for us to force it.

She is an intensely private person and never used to like people at her house even before she became ill.

I AM worried that she is blocking us out and that this isolation is going to continue for years but, on the other hand, I think we should respect her request and continue supporting her by email, even if it takes years before we see her again.

I just want to do what's best for my friend.

AIBU to tell Helen to back off?

I think that's up to Helen and not your call. She will be able to judge how it goes when she visits, what sort of welcome she gets, how they spend time together, and if it is a good thing or not. I don't think uou have the right to dictate what she can and cannot do

Certainly not without notice. What is the nature of mh issues? Could you meet for coffee somewhere quiet and neutral first? Maybe a Helen and I are planning coffee on x date, wouldvyou be happy to join us. Offer to collect if needs be, so no stress of going out or arriving alone.

She's already said it's anxiety and depression and the woman is a recluse. I doubt inviting her for coffee is going to work.

My MH issues (PTSD) mean I find it impossible to reach out and ask for help. I don't feel worthy enough to ask for anyone's time and I often reject invitations because I assume no one actually would choose to see me.

In my case I'd love it if a friend came over, uninvited. I'd feel like they genuinely wanted to see me. But everyone is different so no one can know what's 'right' for your friend, but 'Helen' sounds like a great friend & I don't see why you have a problem her trying to be supportive.

Don't.

I get panic attacks if people do this. You don't know the extent of what she's doing with her therapist, you could set her back weeks.

I get like that if I'm off my anti d's. I hate going out even to food shop & will decline any social thing. But strangely, if my neighbours teen daughter drops by, it cheers me up no end. I would try dropping by late afternoon onwards (mornings are the absolute worst with depression) . Maybe with some treat she enjoys. (nice cake etc) She can only say no & it might just help. Another friend with far more severe MH probs than me said same re passing visits when we discussed our hermit tendancy.

@Seline that's what I'm worried about . It has the potential to go horribly wrong but on the other hand she might appreciate a visit as other PPs have said. I just don't know what to do for the best.

In my case I'd love it if a friend came over, uninvited. I'd feel like they genuinely wanted to see me. But everyone is different so no one can know what's 'right' for your friend, but 'Helen' sounds like a great friend & I don't see why you have a problem her trying to be supportive.

Same here. My mental health makes me feel unworthy and someone dropping in unannounced makes me feel a bit better for a while, because it shows me that they care enough to make the effort. Being unannounced doesn't allow me time to build up a stress reaction. No time to overthink every possible outcome that seeing someone could have.

The visits that have really touched me the most are the flying visits where my friend doesn't come in. She just gives me a hug and something delicious that she's cooked for me. Thoughts of those 'care visits' make me smile every time I think of them.

@Hallouminati it is difficult. Someone did it to me once and i just shut the door, then felt awful, opened it and let them in and the entire time I felt uncomfortable. But some people really appreciate it.

Only concern would be, especially if it's a female, is during MH episodes sometimes they don't bathe, clean the house so if someone shows up unexpected it might be really awkward for them. I'd want to shower and clean up first, have my hair and makeup done. Although I came across this thread thinking of doing this thing.