To think some people don't think things through

[dingdongdo]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this and told not my circus not my monkey but I heard something today that's got my back up.

I just found out that someone within my "family" is expecting another baby. This woman has two kids already and a sd, one child allegedly has severe additional needs (though I do wonder if they are real as nothing has been confirmed and suspect she has munchenhausen by proxy tbh) and a Down syndrome little baby boy.

Their sd is having a really rough patch and there's now court dates and all sorts because of her difficult relationship with her step mum.

This person very nearly died numerous times during their pregnancies and have some severe emotional and physical issues themselves. They also heavily rely on my mil who, in turn, ends up having to sacrifice time with our kids, her gc to help out.

Mil is now quite poorly from stress and other issues but gets strong armed into constantly helping out when these people just turn up and let themselves in the house.

I am TRYING to not get cross but after many ruined anniversaries/birthdays/valentines date etc where this woman has ended up in hospital/having some sort of psychotic episode (all shortly after discovering we had mil babysitting for us ) my stocks of giving a fuck and being sympathetic have crumbled. My dh effectively wants to go nc with his mum sometimes because of this additional interference.

We have now kindly said to mil we won't ask her anymore because this person ALWAYS gets wind of it and decides that it's an opportune time to have a drama. I'd be more sympathetic if it hadn't happened 100% of the time.

My kids are gutted and miss their gm and spending time with her but last time they went to her house to play these relations turned up with one of the kids infected with chickenpox and the other with viral pneumonia.
Thankfully my kids didn't catch either somehow but the kids mother didn't think that it was an issue at all.

So, despite all this and the fact she has been told to get sterilised because there's a more than 50% she will die if she got pregnant again, they've decided to have another baby. The chances of the baby also having severe needs is high and their justification is that need someone who will be able to look after their SEN children when they get older and die (!!!!)

Is this not utterly insane? I have had long frank discussions with my mil about this and she tries to not get involved but they just show up and her partner won't turn his family away obviously.

Sorry, just needed to rant. When my dh finds out he's going to go absolutely spare and I will be surprised if he lets his mum see the kids anymore. Such is the bad feeling that this situation has created.

I do feel sorry for my mil. And as I said we don't ask her for anything anymore and we actually offer her help, lifts, shopping and all sorts.

It does seem like a ridiculous situation. Perhaps your DH can have one last chat with her and impress her how you all feel and how you think your DC are sufffering as a result of her failure to ever prioritize them. If it doesn’t change then I think you just have to accept that it is what it is and let it go. It’s a shame for your DC of course, but there isn’t much you can do, it’s her choice. It certainly does seem like she gives in to all of the demands and doesn’t give priority to your family so actually I can see why you would be a bit upset about it.

@GalacticChickenShit name changed because it's outing.

Thanks @RainbowWaffles you're spot on. There's been numerous conversations and we accept that this is also her family, so we can't really press upon it too much but it just hurts. Dh feels like his mum has been "stolen" in some respect and as childish as it sounds, it still feels and hurts like that.

"You 'Sorry, dc, grandma has had to help x at the last minute. She's going to come tomorrow instead as a special treat. Isn't that nice of her?'
Dc 'yes'"

If it happens nearly everytime they're due to visit her or when she's visiting them? And the visit tomorrow (or whenever) never happens? You think the children won't notice that they are consistently let down...

OP I mean this in the nicest sense: try to step back and focus on your own life. You cannot control others actions only your reaction to it. So don't cut off from the poor MIL but just stay neutral. Your children still need their grandmother. For the rest of it? Put it out of your mind, you will be a much happier person for it. My extended and close family have so much drama and I try to stay out of it all. My little family unit is all I need.

@Babymamamama you're right and I had basically been ignoring it all. It's just this has been sprung on us today and it's left me reeling a bit.

So, assuming this woman is the DD or DDIL of your MIL's partner....how long has MIL been with her partner? Does she otherwise have a good relationship with him, or is it past its sell by date? It's sad that she's being put upon in this manner. Does she get anything out of the relationship?

Unfortunately that's life when there is somebody in your family with a lot if issues. I have one daughter with schizoaffective disorder and one son with multiple myeloma. I'm very lucky that we have a huge family support system and both have incredible spouses so I don't often have to cancel things to support them but sometimes things just can't be helped. If there is a crisis there isn't a lot you can do about it. It needs to be dealt with right there and then. You can't just say 'oh can it wait until I've finished x,y,z' because it can't wait. Waiting could be deadly. If your MIL is still trying to make an effort that means a lot more than you realize because if we didn't have our support system my two would probably be all consuming at times. My relationships with the rest of my children would probably suffer as a result as well.

I can see why he feels like his mum has been stolen, I don’t think it’s childish at all. But he does have to pull up his big boy pants and get on with life. If it won’t change, he needs to stop investing time and energy in the situation and just let her get on with it. It seems like you have already pulled back a bit by not expecting anything from her, seems like that is the way to go. Obviously she should still see her GC, but it doesn’t sound like you are trying to stop her, quite the opposite in fact!

Ddil, and mil has been with her partner a long time. Ddil was pregnant within weeks if meeting her other half so the whole situation literally went from super helpful and supportive mil and excited gma to be to totally absent and not around pretty quickly.

Her partner lets her deal with it all. Other than that I can't and wouldn't comment on her and her partner's relationship.

I think the first step would be for you to stop piling on additional pressure by asking MiL to babysit for you. Why not take some of the pressure off her by offering to come and help when she has these kids. That way your kids get to see Grandma and you can help the poor woman out.

@AIMY we haven't asked her for a long time now. With the greatest of respect one of the kids but a giant chunk out of my eldest's arm last time they were around each other so I'm not taking myself or my kids near them.

*bit

I know that wasn't the kid's fault but I just don't want something like that to happen again.

Poor MIL and DH is being a dick!

I would try to focus on the children in this situation OP.
This family member sounds like she is consistently incapable of providing a stable environment for her children and there is likely to be a negative atmosphere and uncertainty surrounding them. Fair enough, it's not your Mils responsibility to provide that stability but thank god she is able to, and thank god your children have you too.

Thanks @LucyAutumn