AIBU to tell her the truth

[leiaskye]

DD11 just started at high school last September.

Although she was separated from all her friends, and actually put in a form with a girl she really didn't get on with at primary, she seems to have settled in well. Made some new friends,whilst still seeing her old ones. She happily went to school each day and came home happy.

Then the girl she had issues with at Primary (call her Anna), seemingly from nowhere, in class, passed a marker pen to another girl (call her Sarah) sitting between her and DD and told her to draw in DD's hair with it.

DD heard her and said she was really scared, didn't move, but [redacted] knew she had heard and actually didn't do it. Thankfully.

The following day, however, Sarah slapped DD. They were having a chat with a mutual friend, no issue, and the slap came out of nowhere. DD said, why did you do that? Sarah said, no idea.

I texted the head teacher about both issues who replied later & told me he had sorted it.

This morning, the mother of Anna has just messaged me. Saying the head had told Anna, DD is struggling to fit in with the other girls and is there anything she can do. Would she like to come for tea?

I understand what she is doing, but there is no way on earth will DD want to go for tea. They have never liked each other, I'd be surprised if Anna wanted it either. The reason why they didn't get on at Primary is that Anna was trying to muscle in on a friendship DD had with another girl. Other girl's head was turned for a short while, but their friendship was shortlived, and she returned to DD.

AIBU to tell Anna's mum the full story - about the marker pen, & that it is not that DD is struggling to fit in with the girls, - she has made half a dozen new friends. It is her daughter that is making life more awkward for her than it needs to be.

I am not confrontational so I won't word it like this. I also have to consider that her younger daughter is in the same class as my younger daughter.

This post was edited by MNHQ

I would say, 'No, I don't think my daughter would want to go to tea with a girl that has bullied her/encouraged others to bully her'

If you were feeling nicer, you could say that she obviously hasn't been told the whole story, and then tell her the marker pen story.

Please just advise the bitch you are stepping back and allowing dd to manage her own friendships.
Don't dredge up the past /truth. Her dd will have rewritten it and you will end up the bag guy.
And likely your dd will be treated even worse.
Encourage your dd to invite friends home. Much better potential for long term friendships in a home environment ime.

I second what @Nesssie has suggested.

I wouldn't be hostile towards her. That really won't help matters at all. If it were me I'd maybe ask to speak with her and explain the situation as it is. See what her daughter's side is. Maybe it can be solved that way. I really feel for you, girls can be so nasty.

I certainly won't be hostile towards her.

I like the idea of finding out what her daughter has told her. I'm sure the head will have told Anna off for the marker pen incident, but she's hardly likely to tell her mum that bit. Although I am worried that the head may have actually said DD is struggling to settle in, when she's really not. I'm tempted to text him later and ask him (he may well regret giving me his number ;) )

As I said, her youngest is in the same class as my youngest and so I do occasionally see her in the playground. A face to face chat is probably better than asking her over facebook messenger. I've never had any issue with her, she seems nice enough, but then again, we've never spoken about the girls not getting on before (although I'm sure she knows too).

OP, have you named your DD in your original post (second to last para)? If so you may want to report your post to get it removed.

@cantwaittoretire

thank you for pointing this out. I've contacted Admin.

I'm amazed you have your head teachers mobile number and text him about this. Is a really small school?

I don't think the main issue is about Anna's mum - why is the head telling her that it is your DD that has the issues? I would be going back to him to be honest, if he has been suggesting this to the other parents.

I would be honest with Anna's mum and say your DD would not like to go for tea because Anna hasn't been very nice to her.

It's a big school, I have his number as I went to see him about an unrelated matter the other day and he gave it to me. Not everyone has it, but now I have....

I am definitely going to talk to Anna's mum, and make sure we can resolve this one way or another. I don't even want my daughter and Anna to be friends, best they just ignore each other.

I’d text back and say ‘That’s strange! Dd is settling in fine aside from one incident where a child in the class slapped her unprovoked but that’s been dealt with’. I’ll ask dd about going for tea’. Then never get back to her. If she pushes (maybe it’s Anna whose struggling with friends?). Then just say dd says they don’t get in that well.
I wouldn’t really consider someone telling someone to draw in your dds hair who then didn’t do it worth mentioning tbh.

@fuckingyulelog

It was her daughter who asked someone else to draw in DD's hair.

I would want to know if my daughter did that. This is how bullying starts, little digs that escalate.

Odd that the head has given you his personal number to text! Maybe this is the future... we still use a work email at the college I tutor at for any discrepancies.

Anyway, I would explain to Anna’s mum exactly what has happened between them and see what she comes back with. It mostly sounds like petty bitchy girl stuff than anything serious if I’m being honest. You can request that your DD or Anna are moved forms, a fair few people moved forms in my year at school.

Text the mum back and say that you are not sure she has the correct information, advice her to contact the HT or form teacher/tutor.

Call the head and tell him what has happened and ask him to ensure that the other girl's mum has the correct information.

Email your DDs form tutor/teacher and tell them what has happened, just a bullet pint list from the pen incident through to the contact from the mum. Tell them you are just keeping them in the loop as you feel there has been a misunderstanding somewhere along the line and you don't want it to escalate into any weirdness!

Then leave it... wait and see what the school does!

I doubt she would take criticism of her dd well from you.
Leave it to the school.

I’m aware it was her dd but it’s a bit of a non issue imo. If someone asked someone to draw in my dds hair and they didn’t do it I doubt it would even register enough for her to tell me tbh.

Exactly what Curious said.

I’ve texted the head asking how the conversation went with Anna as I’m concerned her mum doesn’t have the full story. He hasn’t replied but I’m sure he’s busy!

I’ve decided to talk to her mum face to face as soon as I can.

I dint have the teachers email, but my DD has since moved forms & will only cross paths with Anna for one lesson. Never with Sarah.

I appreciate that others may think the marker pen incident was not be considered serious enough to mention, & if they were friends it could be viewed as banter (if smiles were involved too), but it’s clear to my DD malice was behind it.

If there was no malice, why did Sarah then slap DD the following day? I think it’s all linked, as she’d had some encouragement from Anna. The head agrees, & said he believes Sarah is trying to bully my daughter. Maybe Anna isnt, but she’s got a funny way of being nice.

I would simply speak to her face to face and thank her, however I’d also explain about the marker pen incident and explain that you don’t feel your dd would like to go round for tea as a result. Texting is easier but it can come across wrong, better face to face

I don't think there's any benefit getting involved via the mums. It just risks escalating the issue. I would thank her but say that there have been issues between the two girls which the school are dealing with so it probably wouldn't be a good idea for DD to go round for tea.

You've sent a text to the head teacher of a secondary school? How bizarre! Why not ring school as ask for an update. Texting is something mates/family do between one another and seems VERY unprofessional and I'm kind of cringing for you a little bit

Meh - headmaster gave her his number

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

No need to cringe. This is how the head operates. He gave me his number the other day & told me to text about something else.

He’s been texting me back this afternoon, so clearly has no issue with it. He’s the professional, not me, if he’s happy with it, that’s fine with me.

Name change midway?

I didn’t mean to do that. I’d completely forgotten I had two accounts. Might not have even realised tbh.

I’ve been posting from my mobile & sometimes from my IPad.

Apologies.

No, was warning you! Doesn't bother me!