Me and friend growing apart

[Ashana]

Hi everyone.

I really needed some advice please. I have a very close friend (almost like a sister), who I have been close to from a very young age. We are both now in our 30s and married with kids. We live very close by and see each other often.

We have always been very different- she has always been the type who likes to go out and have fun whereas I prefer to stay in. Since we both got married and had kids she seemed a lot more settled and not really into going out etc.

Anyway, I have recently noticed a change in her that I am not liking. She has started saying that she misses her old life and is planning to go out more often. She has started making friends with younger women with no kids and has changed her dress sense etc to look younger. I have no problem at all with her doing any of this, but she keeps telling me that I'm boring and need to live my life to the 'full'. The truth is that I am happy with my life, I feel settled within my family and like things just the way they are. The more she tells me I'm boring, the more I'm beginning to dislike what she's becoming.

She doesn't work and her kids are all at school full time so she sits at home watching you tube videos all day long. The last time I went to her house I was shocked at how unclean her house had become.

Sometimes she just turns up at my house during the day and mopes around on my sofa, glued to her phone. All she seems interested in is looking at celebs and younger people online and wishing she had their life. Worst still, she thinks that I need to change my life too and become more 'cool'.

I feel so bad for talking about her like this but I really don't know what to do. I really am not enjoying her company at the moment and don't feel like we have anything in common anymore. I've told her that I'm happy with the way my life is but she doesn't really believe me. I feel like she is trying to relive her youth and escape her 'boring' reality.

What can I do?

What can I do?

Nothing

And I say that with love, I am going through something similar with a friend where we have grown apart and she has dispensed of me

You don't approve of her dirty home or of her going out more, and maybe you're right but they are her mistakes to make and her lessons to learn

Don't cast yourself in the role of rescuer she will end up resenting you for it. I speak from experience

As a side point the lack of cleaning and the sitting around all day does possibly indicate depression and that IS something that a friend can ask after without seeming judgey eg

Are you ok? I've noticed you seem a bit down

and see where that goes

I also think she sounds very unsettled and 'bored'. She is projecting onto you, and can't work out why you're not bored!

Tbh, its pretty gross actually calling you 'boring'! She really has changed if she considers her lifetime friend this way.

If you're happy in your life that's all you can say to her, that and its more a reflection of her, the boredom thing.

If she's moping about, not bothering, etc she sounds down, perhaps lonely, as she's turning up at yours looking for entertainment.

I agree about asking her how shhes doing because outwardly she doesn't seem happy. Good luck, and sorry about the effect on your friendship, hope you can see it through

I also think she sounds depressed.

Could you speak to her either in the day when she's at yours if Al lthe kids are in school or go out for a quiet drink one evening? Explain that she doesn't seem happy and you wondered if she wanted to talk / wanted your support etc.

Ultimately shem might just need to get this out of her system. How old are you? How old when she had her first child? Perhaps she's just feeling what she's "missed" now the kids need her for less hours of the day

Thanks for your reply.

I'm so sorry for what has happened with your friend.

The truth is, I really don't want to lose my friend as we have been through so much together but I'm really beginning to dislike her.

Every time I have asked her if she is feeling down etc she just brushes it off and just says she wants to make changes in her life for the better and not just be a boring mum.

I think the problem is that she got married very young and had her kids young, so maybe she feels like she had to give up her youth too quickly?

I really don't know what's going on in her head to be honest.

A few weeks ago her husband was away from work for a few nights so she left all her kids at her mum's overnight and went clubbing with her younger friends.

As you can imagine, her husband wasn't too pleased about this but she told him to 'like it or lump it'.

I just feel that all these changes are going to lead her down the wrong path but she just can't see it. She obviously doesn't care what I say as I'm just boring.

As you can imagine, her husband wasn't too pleased about this but she told him to 'like it or lump it'
Why?

How old are you?

What do you say when she calls you boring etc?

Life changes. Friendship change. This friendship has run its course.

We are both 34.

She says I'm boring because of what I wear and I don't want to go out all the time and I just enjoy being at home, spending time with my kids, cooking and cleaning. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy the odd night out but not all the time and I have my limits. I don't think that I would feel comfortable in a club scene anymore.

I have known my friend all my life and I really do care about her. She is a big part of my kids life too. I really don't want to chat her off but I feel I have no choice. I dread the days she turns up unannounced at my door and starts going on about how boring our lives have become. On the odd few occasions I've even had to lie and make excuses so that she just leaves from the door.

How can I distance myself from her? I don't want a big confrontation with her. I just want to live my life and she can live hers. With her being so local it's hard to avoid her sometimes. The more I spend time with her these days the more I resent her. Her values have completely changed and I don't want to be a part of it.

Why wouldn't her hubby want her going out clubbing? What are these different values?
Are we talking a night out drinking and dancing OR taking drugs, snogging blokes and leaving the kids unattended?

You say she's a big part of your life etc so how do you handle it when she's mean to you?

I think you might need to stand up and tell her.

"Please don't call my life boring, it's everything I need. I know you're looking for something new and I'm happy to hear about it but please do it without being rude to me"

Every time.

If she keeps at it, call the date to an end. "actually it's time I got going so I'll see you soon"

Every time.

It'll either stop her doing it or stop her coming round.