To want to change back to my maiden name after 8 years being widowed?

[ThespianTendencies]

I am not sure if this is the right or wrong thing to do. I was widowed 8 yrs ago. It was not a happy marriage - he was unfaithful, an alcoholic and abusive (even though I still find it hard to acknowledge that despite counselling). My dd is 21, ds is 13 so they are not babies anymore. I have never felt like my married surname was 'me' ]. Before we married my husband was not insistent I take his name (I think this was to spite his parents more than anything). My inlaws are both now deceased and I wouldn't have considered this while they were alive because, despite everything I experienced, they did lose a son and I would not have felt right hurting them in that way. So is this. complicate thing and would it be wrong to have a different surname to my children? Will it cause a muddle legally and with documentation etc? Thankyou in advance.

As far as I know, your maiden name is yours forever, you don't relinquish it because you get married. So you just tell the bank etc you are reverting back, possibly show them your birth and marriage certificates???

Make sure you change wills etc too.

And it won't cause a problem at all with your kids having a different name.

Could you discuss it with your children and sound out their feelings about it? They might be resistant at first, but once the idea is out there, they might come round quite quickly. They may need time to get used to the idea.

If they have unpleasant memories of their father, they may want to change too. They might also want to double barrel.

Discuss it gently with them. If they’re very opposed, I would try and get them used to the idea and bring them around. If they won’t come around with time, I think it would be acceptable to do it anyway.

Chat with your children. They may not give a hoot but then they may care very deeply about it.

Do your children know the truth about your marriage? Because if you decide to talk to them about changing your name I don't see how you can explain wanting to change it back without telling them why. I'm sure they'd see it as 'disrespectful to his memory' unless they knew the truth.

If they do object, perhaps you could hyphenate it?

There are three things that spring to mind.

1. Socially. You can call yourself whatever you like. For everything except officialdom e.g. tax returns, just go right ahead.
2. Legally. This is also straightforward as previously mentioned.
3. Emotionally. Now it gets tricky. You must speak to your children and only you know what the reaction will be. I doubt if they will be positive but you know them better than anyone.

Me? I'd revert legally (passports, driving licence etc) but still be known as Mrs Samesurnameaschildrenwhentheschoolgetsintouch.

Thank you all - I have tentatively mentioned it to them in the past. I will bring it up again though as it is something I would very much like to do. It sounds fairly simple to do and I will google it today now I have some opinons.

How about a new surname altogether? I worked with a woman who chose a brand new surname. She felt going to maiden name was going backwards and she wanted to go forwards.

The practicalities bit is quite simple. I went back to my maiden name post divorce. I had a solicitor to help with the divorce so they signed a change of name deed which I used for passport, bank name change etc.

I also changed the children's names (1 and 3 at the time) so we all shared a surname because of appointments and school. Wanting to be seen as their parent. Not an issue as they get older.

The only other one that worried me was the passport one. Travelling abroad with children of different names. I dont know if it's just little children but there's often talk of needing to prove you have the right to take them out the country. In case of divorce/ seperation I think it's letter of permission from other parent. I don't know if this is a non issue but may be worth a quick Google investigation.

I had a solicitor to help with the divorce so they signed a change of name deed

You definitely don't need to ever pay for this kind of thing, whatever your circumstances or reasons.

freedeedpoll.org.uk

You don't need legal permission to go back to your maiden name you'll just need birth certificate and marriage certificate to prove to changeover .I did it and was straightforward

Great! I'm going to chat to my two and then hopefully go ahead. Cheers Mn-ers

Good luck, hope conversation with kids goes well for you.