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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to refuse to change agreement

8 replies

MrsDeathofRats · 17/01/2019 22:12

Long and short is, divorced highly abusive ex. its been as much of a nightmare since then as it was being married to him.

We are court ordered to agree all holiday dates but the end of January each year for the year ahead.
Ex has a habit of saying everything is obvious and simple when its really not. so I suggest how I see it working out (I mean, it is kind of obvious but it actually has to be verbalised or written down for us to agree!)
Ex then comes back with loads of time wasting bollocks.
Eventually he ends up asking me if I am in agreement with his suggestions (which are of course my original suggestions, but with the wording rearranged to look like his idea)

now, we have agreed to set dates during the summer holidays, he has had these dates in his possession for almost 2 weeks. He hasn't bothered to ask HR in that time if he can book them off. he has emailed me to say he will ask if they are available.

My AIBU is, if they aren't available and he comes back saying he can't get them off work... AIBU to say "that's your problem"??
Or should I bend over backwards to accommodate him with whatever dates he does say he can get??
rearranging our agreement based on his word?
(he could decide he wants different dates, knows I won't agree and say that's all he can get off from work, giving me no choice!)

First year we've had to do this.
This is hypothetical as he hasn't come back claiming he can't get the dates, but I will eat my hat if he doesn't. because that's the sort of shit he does.

OP posts:
MrsDeathofRats · 18/01/2019 07:17

Anyone?

OP posts:
SD1978 · 18/01/2019 07:25

If your leave is more flexible- I'd change the arrangement if required. Your dealing with an arse and will be for years. Making that easier for you by reducing conflict where it is possible will always make more sense (I speak from experience) however I would only allow one change. Once his leave is approved there is no other discussion regarding swapping, no other consecions given.

MoviesT · 18/01/2019 07:25

Just because it’s court ordered doesn’t mean you can’t flex a bit if you want to. Ensure that you’ve got it clear that all else is agreed apart from those holiday dates. If not fully agreed by end Jan state that even though he should have confirmed by now due to court order, you can extend to X date (mid Feb?) to allow him leeway to check dates with his employer - after this you will assume that the dates set out stand. If he doesn’t confirm then tough. Stand firm. Do not flex later unless it suits you to do so or you get something back in return.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 18/01/2019 07:26

What’s best for the children? Have you organised and booked plans?

If not, stop with the point scoring (with each other) and do what’s best for the children.

SillySallySingsSongs · 18/01/2019 07:29

What’s best for the children? Have you organised and booked plans?

If not, stop with the point scoring (with each other) and do what’s best for the children.

^ this. Point scoring for the sake of it is stupid. With so much time to go if he went back to court to get an ammendment I see no reason that it wouldn't be apprroved.

MrsDeathofRats · 18/01/2019 07:48

It's not about point scoring.

More about his continued control.
I'm not in work right now. So I could move the dates around easily. But why should I?
He has asked for his half of summer in a solid block, I have accommodated this. He didn't ask, he was abusive, aggressive, rude and then threatened me with court again if I didn't agree. I can't afford court so I get left with little choice.

I haven't made any real plans yet for the summer but it's more like, we have at least 10 years of this I think.
Ds is 4 so we have years of doing this and ExH will do this every year, make it hard work and complicate it, all as a means of controlling me and undermining me to ensure I never get anything I want but that he gets me to agree and then dictates change without leaving me any choice at all.

So I should continue to allow him to perpetrate his abusive behaviour towards me?
That's more what this is about then point scoring.

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 18/01/2019 07:55

So I could move the dates around easily. But why should I?

You do have to pick your battles though. With 7 months notice if he went to court he would get it. He isn't messing you about for the sake of it if he genuinely can't get the time off, especially as you don't have the same issue due to not currently working.

MrsDeathofRats · 18/01/2019 08:04

So WIBU to ask for proof of this from HR?

Because what I'm anticipating is him just deciding he wants different dates. So telling me he can't get the dates he's requested because he enjoys being in control.

If he genuinely can't get them, I guess that's a different matter and then IWBU.
It's hard when you feel that your abuser is left in a position of power over you. I can't always see things straight. Hence asking for perspective

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