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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Choice of partners/friends reflecting on you

18 replies

Youngerthanyesterday · 17/01/2019 19:22

Do you think someone’s choice in partner or friends reflects on them?

A friend of mine fell for a real known bully and quite unpleasant person. They’ve broken up now (the bully did the breaking up not my friend) but I’ve thought a little less of her since as I don’t understand how she could have fallen for someone that horrible to others. It also reminded me of another time I met a girl at work and found I didn’t really want to be friends with her as I already knew two of her closest friends and they were quite bitchy mean-girls.

AIBU to feel like your choice in partners/friends reflects on you?

OP posts:
fusioluxe · 17/01/2019 19:27

In a way yes. The brightest person I ever knew (literally a rocket scientist!) married a guy who was rude and nasty. So many people dropped them as a couple, including me. It was such a shame.

She was so bright and together in every way that it was a shock that her choice of partner was so off.

MsTSwift · 17/01/2019 19:33

On an early date I met dogs friends. Lots of then were women. Really nice women that I would have been friends with had I met them and they all adored him. One of the many reasons I chose to marry him.

MsTSwift · 17/01/2019 19:33

Dogs! Dh!

OutPinked · 17/01/2019 19:34

In a way yes. If you choose to associate with horrible people, it makes sense you will also be tarred with that brush.

NorthEndGal · 17/01/2019 19:39

If you show a pattern of choosing a certain type, then yes. You may not be doing it consciously, but you are effecting you choice of who you'll go out with, or who's company you keep.

Lay down with dogs, get up with fleas

TheNavigator · 17/01/2019 19:46

Yes, I judge my mum for her choice of husband. He is an aggressive bully, she says he is her soul mate, which reflects really badly on her. I always raise my eyebrow when seemingly lovely women have unpleasant partners - I assume the women aren't as lovely as they like to seem, just better at acting.

Original poster
Youngerthanyesterday · 17/01/2019 20:08

Same here navigator

OP posts:
PikaPikaTink · 17/01/2019 20:29

I think it's possible for lovely people to be in abusive relationships with nasty bullies and be too worn down to leave.

CherryPavlova · 17/01/2019 20:30

Of course it does. A 25 year old dangling on the arm of a 70 year old isn’t there for love, generally. Someone setting up home with an addict wouldn’t be on my Christmas card list.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 17/01/2019 20:32

Of course it reflects on you the people you choose to spend your time with. How could it not? It’s says a hell of a lot about you.

mindutopia · 17/01/2019 20:33

Yes, definitely, I think it does. But I’d hold it against someone more or less depending on how mature they (if they’re old enough to know better or not!). We all make stupid choices about our boyfriends when we’re 20. At 30 or 40, yes, it would make me think twice about someone.

I have someone in my life who is now married to a known (convicted, served time in prison) paedophile. I absolutely don’t think of her the same, I can barely stand to be around her, both because it’s just creepy but also because it’s made me question what other bad life choices she could make (that could affect me or my dc - she’s very upset that paedo husband is no longer invited over and isn’t allowed around our dc). I feel like her morals and judgment about lots of things must be pretty poor! Obviously that’s an extreme example but I think it’s true.

feska5 · 17/01/2019 20:34

Most definitely you are judged by the company you keep. Especially by people who don’t know you very well.

LadyGrey66 · 17/01/2019 20:36

Undoubtedly. As the saying goes, you are the company you keep.

greendale17 · 17/01/2019 20:37

Yes of course

codenameduchess · 17/01/2019 20:50

Absolutely, I've walked away from several people because of the company they kept.

One (now) ex boyfriend started hanging around addicts and ended up addicted too.

A friend started dated a dickhead and hanging out with his dickhead mates and I just couldn't stand them or the person my friend became around them.

Someone else stood by her husband when he was convicted of a serious sexual offence - truly sickening and I just can't understand how she can act like it's fine, seriously questioned her judgement. Naturally NC with both of them.

Equally though, met a lovely woman at work, became friendly and met her dh, kids and friends and instantly liked them all and were now quite close.

I think it's a kind of self preservation, wanting to make sure you're safe maybe?

LemonSqueezy0 · 17/01/2019 21:08

I do.. If someone I was friends with was in a relationship with a sex offender I would cut them off. But if I didn't like their partner but not for any bad or particular reason I'd just socialise with my friend alone. If they were with an abusive bully I'd try to help them... There's so many nuances to this scale but I'd know where they were placed by judging them...

On the flip side, I often think my DP is amazing and in low moments I get paranoid that people wonder why he is with me and wished hed "get away" ! 😳

TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot · 17/01/2019 21:16

In general I agree that someone who chooses an unpleasant partner is most likely unpleasant themselves, but then there are those who choose to be with someone awful almost as a kind of self harm and those who are very lonely and have very low self esteem and don't think anyone nicer would want them.

I think people's relationship choices can be very complicated.

PurpleTigerLove · 17/01/2019 21:18

Yes of course , our ability to judge other people is basic self protection.

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