To ask your advice on this neighbour situation

[BanginChoons]

I have neighbours who live 2 doors down who are a retired couple. She is disabled and he is her carer. We live either side of a corner house and the ends of our garden meet each other (this is relevant). We get on well. I think he is lonely although they do have family to visit. I've had them round for a few times for lunch or a cup of tea. When i go away he feeds my cats. I gave him my phone number in case his wife needs help when he is out.
Only now he is becoming increasingly over friendly. He climbs over the fence and does my gardening without me asking, and buys things for my kids practically every other day. I work full time but sometimes I bring work home to do in the afternoon. Every time he sees my car on the drive he phones and invites me round for a cup of tea, and when I decline next time I see him he says "I thought you'd fallen out with me" He just doesn't seem to understand that I'm not available! They are nice people but it's smothering me! Help!

Do you have any carer support groups nearby? Might be worth googling and printing a few off for him. He sounds very lonely and I know from experience it can be difficult, but he can’t become dependent on you. A nice over 60 club could be just the respite he needs.

It sounds suffocating, like he needs to expand his social/support network but has focused on you being the solution.

It will only get worse if you don't nip it in the bud OP - you need to reset / reboundary the lines here.

Tell him you're annoyed at having your garden changed (he may think he's doing you a favour, if it's not, tell him!) and tell him you have other commitments if he comments on your availability. Don't get drawn into defending yourself as to why, just be less engaged ("must dash, things to do! Bye!")

Also STOP answering his phone calls - you are choosing to respond to his attention request! If you're busy, you're busy. Be busy!

I would also hand back the gifts, it's full on, overbearing. Tell him you appreciate the thought but aren't wanting your children to be spoilt. If he says it's already bought, tell him the charity shop will find his gifts a good home.

Maybe he is trying to distract himself from being a carer or wants to be helpful. I'd ask him not to come I to the garden anymore and theres no need to buy any more presents. He sounds quite lonely, maybe as pp said try wnd encourage him to join activities or look at carer support sites, would you feel confident speaking with his family.

Remember your phone doesn't have to be answered. Take it off the hook or put it on silent if it's a mobile phone.
Tell your neighbour you work from home and are not free usually to pop over unfortunately.

I think you need to say something along the lines of
" the gifts you buy the kids are really sweet but we don't want them to be indulged in this way. I'm sure you understand".
" I am working from home so although the car is there I can only take work calls, I would hate you to think I was ignoring you"
Let him crack on with the gardening though! I had a lovely retired neighbour when my dc were small. He happily cut all our grass cos he was bored!

That is a tricky one. Agree you need to nip things in the bud ... I like the idea of linking him into a support group but I too would be concerned he might need a clearer message that you are not the answer to his social needs. He's obv in a vulnerable position but ime people who cross boundaries like that can be a bit wilful about it sometimes.

I think because I'm cowardly that if I was in this situation I'd maybe try working from home a little less - just temporarily - and if chatting to him mention in passing how busy work is. Maybe don't be polite / in any way effusive about the gardening; a well placed non-response can say a lot iyswim.

The gifts for your dc ... could you tell him if it's sweets/chocolate that you're trying to cut down on that stuff for them or if it's toys that you're swamped with same - something that gets the point across without risking hurting his feelings...

Sorry to ramble. I feel for you because you don't want to hurt someone in a difficult situation but at the same time that doesn't give them the right to demand something from you that isn't fair or appropriate. You have to look after yourself, this kind of thing can end up causing a lot of stress.

Do not get drawn into sorting him out with local activities or groups or discussion with his family!

The Op is already suffocating in a support role she doesn't want or have time for to the level he expects - why on earth would that be a sensible next move!

The retired man at the end of my garden gets a bit much especially in the summer. He gets a bit obsessed with what everyone is doing!