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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be sure how I feel about this fund raising ....

49 replies

PooleySpooley · 17/01/2019 18:25

Someone I work with indirectly had a competition quiz thing this week that you pay to enter and you can win a prize (not quite sure how it’s “judged”).

I asked what charity it was for and she said that it’s to fund her IVF. She made the choice some time ago to have a child alone (I knew this as she is quite open about it) and she has run out of money to fund it.

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable about this or am I being a cow?

OP posts:
GemmeFatale · 17/01/2019 21:12

@TheBigBangRocks did you have £18k or so in spare change you didn’t prior to conceiving each of your children? (About £6k per round assuming no issues to prevent conception with 3 rounds to have a reasonable chance of success). Money that’s still available to you now as it clearly wasn’t required to cover any of the day to day costs of life with kids?

Then how on earth can you afford kids? You clearly shouldn’t have them.

CatWhisker · 17/01/2019 22:22

She doesn’t know if she can conceive naturally - she just doesn’t have a willing bloke with the sperm
I know but IVF might be the best option for her if she wants a baby and hasn't met the right person. Is your problem with giving her the £2 because you don't agree with her having the baby on her own?

CatWhisker · 17/01/2019 22:29

Agree with GemmeFatale's post

ShadyLady53 · 17/01/2019 22:35

It does sound like your problem is with her choosing single motherhood rather than the fundraising, from both the tone of your original post and the update about her not “finding a willing bloke with sperm”. How very sad.

I’d not have a problem with her raising money to fund her ivf. In fact, I’d chip in right now if I knew how I could help. But then, I’m almost 35 and also can’t find a decent “willing bloke with sperm” either and I’m trying to organise things financially to allow me to adopt as a single person. I’d rather not live than have a childless future. I can understand why she’s trying everything she can to become a mother. £2 isn’t being cheeky at all.

As for why IVF. A friend just announced her pregnancy at the same age as me. It was a surprise because a) it was a one night stand and b) she was also due to start IVF as a single person. She had fertility problems and was told at 18 she’d need IVF to conceive. She only just opened up to me about that now. You don’t seem to know this person intimately well. She could have endometriosis, pcos or one ovary for all you know. Some people manage buying sperm over the internet and using a turkey baster but it’s not a guarantee. IVF will increase her chances of conception and she’s not demanding it from the NHS.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 17/01/2019 22:37

As someone who bought up 3 children alone - no - I do not have any issue at all with her doing it alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
PooleySpooley · 17/01/2019 22:39

No I don’t know her but the first time I did meet her she told me she had given up trying to find a guy who wanted to have children with her and was having IVF with sperm donar sperm. She volunteered that info.

Not sure what I said in my OP (apart from explaining the situation) that makes people deduce that I have an issue with it.

OP posts:
ShadyLady53 · 17/01/2019 22:58

Thanks for the update OP. Bringing up 3 children alone, congratulations, that must have been very tough at times.

I guess for me certain ways you put things about her lifestyle choice and can’t find a bloke etc came across as quite judgemental in their tone. It is clear that you feel uncomfortable with it, I think I’m struggling to see why. Could you maybe explain what exactly it is that makes you feel uneasy about the situation?

Her telling you she intended on having IVF with donor sperm still doesn’t mean she doesn’t know of possible fertility problems. I went to school with girls who, even at 15, knew that their only chance of conception was through IVF. I’ve already mentioned I’d be looking at adoption but if I’d have tried to conceive a biological child without being in a relationship, my first port of call would not have been IVF. That makes me think it’s possible that she’s always known there was no other option for her to have a biological child. Either that or she’s not done her research at all!

Not wanting to be goady in any way, just want to understand your perspective.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 17/01/2019 23:09

I think like a previous poster said - anyone fund raising for anything like a trip away makes me feel uncomfortable.

What if I was fund raising to buy myself a pedigree puppy?

OP posts:
CatWhisker · 17/01/2019 23:17

Wanting to have children isn't the same as wanting a pedigree puppy though.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 17/01/2019 23:19

It’s the same concept though isn’t it?

This is something I want which I cannot afford so I am going to fund raise for it - what’s the difference?

OP posts:
AwdBovril · 17/01/2019 23:23

Did she call it charity, or did she simply call it crowdfunding?

I don't think it's an issue as long as people know what the money would be used for. I wouldn't be donating though. I'd suggest she go to a sperm bank before going for IVF, surely that would be much easier?

ShadyLady53 · 17/01/2019 23:25

Ok, I get it now, so you and some other people see it as her fundraising for some sort of commodity. A luxury like a holiday or special kind of pet...a material good of some sort and you’re uncomfortable funding a lifestyle.

I see it in the light of her missing out on a major part of life because she hasn’t had the same opportunity to have a medical procedure funded through the NHS like someone who is part of a couple would have. As she’s single, she can’t prove she’s been trying for x amount of years. She can’t force a man to impregnate her. There is a way that she could become pregnant but she might miss out on that because she’s single and low on cash.

I don’t see that as being equal to a holiday or a pet and it doesn’t seem materially driven to me. But really it’s a philosophical thing and I think people are bound to feel divided.

Hopefully, she’s not pressuring you to contribute. You shouldn’t if it goes against your ideology in any way and I could imagine you wouldn’t be alone in thinking that way.

CatWhisker · 17/01/2019 23:26

What's the difference between a pedigree puppy and children? Well one's a luxury pet and ones a biological family member?

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 17/01/2019 23:26

You can’t just “go to a sperm bank” you have to then transfer the sperm - which is where the IVF comes in.

OP posts:
ShadyLady53 · 17/01/2019 23:30

I think AwdBovril means why can’t she have Artificial Insemination rather than Invitro Fertilization? Obviously it’s alot cheaper and simpler.

CatWhisker · 17/01/2019 23:33

I'd consider myself lucky to only have to donate £2 because I'd been fortunate enough to find a "willing bloke with the sperm" and to conceive rather than having to find 18K to conceive like she does

cushioncuddle · 18/01/2019 06:51

I'd rather give to that than to kids raising money to go to Africa or Peru etc to do not much work and have a holiday. Or to jump out a plane when they need to raise a few hundred just to do it and a very small amount goes to the charity.

It's hard when you are at a point without a partner or have fertility difficulties. This I feel is far more deserving.

That is why giving is free choice.

proseccoaficionado · 18/01/2019 07:10

Somehow I wouldn't feel offended or anything. She's not a CF and she's definitely not forcing anyone to donate. We're talking £2, I would definitely donate.

londonrach · 18/01/2019 07:16

Its not a charity and she could be in serious trouble if she carried on doing this. However ive a friend who went down the same route (self funding) on her own and she has two amazing children who are loved and the light of her and her extended family.

snitzelvoncrumb · 18/01/2019 07:20

That's a very creative idea. As long as she was honest about it, it's fine.

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2019 07:37

Wanting to have children isn't the same as wanting a pedigree puppy though.

It’s the same concept though isn’t it?

It’s pretty offensive to compare wanting to have a child to wanting to have a puppy. Hmm

Amanduh · 18/01/2019 07:39

This reply has been deleted

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Alicatz66 · 18/01/2019 07:48

I can understand why people have s problem with crowdfunding... I've seen it where people have done it to find gap years etc !!! ... but as long as they are open about what they want the money for .. I just think jog on .. get a job !!!
Went a bit off thread there !!! Good luck to her anyway .. I'd buy a ticket !

Alicatz66 · 18/01/2019 07:48

Fund !

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