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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To be completely honest or actually lie by omission ...

17 replies

Bluechair · 17/01/2019 12:32

Just wondering ....if a friend kept looking for affirmation on a personal situation, where you knew it was a disaster in the making ; would you say it as it is or keep your thoughts to yourself knowing that your honest opinion would really hurt him ? It’s in regard to his relationship where he is essentially treating partner as a convenience who meets his needs and wants , with very little regard for her despite a history of twatty relationships with twatty men ?? He is elated that he has finally found someone who meets his needs without question ... for now...

OP posts:

iwillkeepthishouseclean · 17/01/2019 12:33

I'd tell her the way it is but I in the most subtle way I could .

Original poster

Bluechair · 17/01/2019 12:36

It is he who is my friend, not her . Feel like shaking him ..for his sake and of course for hers... but I don’t really know her

OP posts:

RiverTam · 17/01/2019 12:37

I would tell him straight, there are too many pricks like this out there.

tiggerkid · 17/01/2019 12:41

If he isn't asking you for your opinion or advice on the situation and you are going to give it anyway, it's highly unlikely it will do anything positive for your friendship. If that doesn't matter, then by all means say what you think.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 17/01/2019 12:44

Please tell her. She may have her own concerns anyway, you may be her confirmation.

FishCanFly · 17/01/2019 12:51

would he take any notice though? people stubbornly pursue toxic relationships despite the world telling them not to

userschmoozer · 17/01/2019 12:54

I couldn't be friends with a man who mistreated a woman that way.

Original poster

Bluechair · 17/01/2019 13:18

I think he knows that I don’t want to listen to him telling me how kind he is to her etc etc when she clearly is a convenience to him. He spends nearly all his free time with his friends and family and then fits her in . She has had a truly awful life.. lived with alcoholism, violence and neglect as a child and as an adult has gone from one toxic dysfunctional
Relationship to another, according to my friend . So because he doesn’t actual physically or mentally abuse her, he is placing him side in this ivory tower as he knight in shining armour , whereas the reality is that she fits in, she takes what she can get, hangs around waiting for him to see when he has nothing better to do and finally, the reality is is that he is very possibly gay in that he doesn’t really enjoy sex by his own admission, and she accepts this despite telling him how sexual she is !!!!!!. It’s strange and frankly I’m appalled by him. I really have lost respect for him but on the flip side, she is an adult so she knows what she’s getting . Just wish he would stop trying to convince me how wonderful and committed to her he is because I’m being such a fake . I just change the subject but he has noticed my disinterest so he has got worse in terms of piling on the bullshit

OP posts:

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/01/2019 13:22

Van you phrase it along the lines of if he wants her to stick around he is going to have to treat her better

DoJo · 17/01/2019 13:22

Did you post about this before? I recall a post from someone whose friend was in a relationship similar to the one you describe and the OP was quite concerned for the mental health of the woman involved.

Beeziekn33ze · 17/01/2019 13:29

Don’t worry about hurting his feelings. He doesn’t worry about exploiting the woman. Be honest with him about your views but be prepared to lose his friendship if he can’t handle being criticised.

Original poster

Bluechair · 17/01/2019 13:33

No I didn’t post about this before . I dont really know her but do I feel sorry for this woman !!!! He tends to hide her well but when an accession comes up eg wedding etc he will bring her along . She is so quiet and seems sweet but I really hate to see this and I don’t like this part of his personality to the point that I’ve really distanced myself and he is not happy with that either

OP posts:

Kismetjayn · 17/01/2019 13:36

Absolutely tell him, as delicately as possible. No one deserves to be treated like this, no matter how little you know her, and you sound like a good person not to condone it.

Snog · 17/01/2019 13:49

Why are you friends?

Original poster

Bluechair · 17/01/2019 14:03

I wonder now. He is decent type but I can see now that he has a huge ego and is self obsessed as far as I can see. He masks it beautifully with plenty of fake concern but always lets the mask slip at some point . He has been a good friend to me in the past , it’s tsken me a while to see through it .

OP posts:

RiverTam · 17/01/2019 14:14

I would tell him straight and then ditch him as a friend.

Would you boycott a company that behaved in a way you thought unethical? Maybe if more people boycotted men, in particular, who behave badly, we'd have less need of ads like the Gilette one.

ABoozedMoose · 17/01/2019 14:27

I told my (male) best friend when I thought he was taking advantage of one of his exes (he wasn't being too shitty but just hadn't realised how his behaviour might be perceived by her). He was really grateful and still thanks me for making him look at things from a different perspective.

You don't need to be brutal but you might find that he appreciates your honesty. My friend knows that I will always take his side, unless he does something actually bad, so he trusts me when I pull him up on stuff.

Flip