Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with husband’s attitude...

63 replies

Lavenderee · 16/01/2019 21:17

To begin with, I’ll say he’s a lovely bloke and a wonderful father, so he’s no bastard but I swear, his attitude about housework does my head right in!

Right now he’s doing the dishwasher, and is veering between expecting a medal and a parade thrown in his honour and whining his head off. As if he does this all the time and is sick of the way people leave things for his tired and under appreciated self. No, honey, that’s MY role!! You do this maybe once every month if I’m lucky! So it irks the hell out of me having you sigh and say loudly to the dog, “it seems as if nobody in this house can rinse a plate” or saying, “brilliant” in a flat, sarcastic tone louder and louder until I ask “what?” -only to have you sigh louder and respond with, “nothing. Doesn’t matter.”

IF he ever cooks anything, he complains loudly about everything not being exactly where he wants it, and about my organisation of the kitchen. It’s MY kitchen! I’m the one that prepares 499 out of 500 meals. I think I’m entitled to have it how I want it!!
If I ask him to put a wash on (maybe once a fortnight?) he will whinge and whine loudly about the way the kids leave their clothes with a sleeve inside out, or socks aren’t in pairs, etc.

The part that winds me up the most is the fact that he finds this so unbearable and outrageous, yet he is guilty of everything that annoys him!! AND, it doesn’t seem to register that he’s annoyed by the housework for 15 minutes a month..... this is my goddamn life!! I’m at home with one young child and one older child who has a severe mental health issue. He only notices when it becomes his problem for quarter of an hour. Not when he adds to it being my problem every day! Seriously, AIBU to be annoyed by it?? Are other blokes like this?? I might throttle him if I have to hear him moaning about inside out sleeves on the kids laundry when I extract his boxers and socks from his discarded trousers daily!!

OP posts:
Pernickity1 · 16/01/2019 23:14

He sounds like a sexist prick to be honest. But hey-ho he’s not a criminal so count yourself lucky eh?

EdWinchester · 16/01/2019 23:15

I wouldn’t put up with that for a minute.

But beind every useless man is a woman that has enabled his behaviour for probably years. I have so many friends that went into relationships with men that were utterly useless around the house, took on all of the domestic drudgery and have moaned about it pretty much ever since.

Roussette · 16/01/2019 23:22

OP, I'm with you. My DH is good at a lot of things but....

I'll ask him to buy some potatoes and a loaf of bread while he's out. He comes in through the door, clutching said purchases like it's the crown jewels. I've got bread, I've got potatoes, he says.
Thanks, says I.
I cook said potatoes and the rest of the meal, and he'll say... are these my potatoes? (i.e. the ones he bought)
Yes, I say.
Are they nice? Do you like them? he says
They're just potatoes, why, what? I say.
Because I think they're really tasty potatoes, he says.

Rinse and repeat with the loaf of bread

No wonder I drink Grin

(Disclaimer, lighthearted post, he does lots of other good things!)

tildaMa · 16/01/2019 23:27

Lovely bloke?
Wow, your bar is set really low.

Read this: www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic and make him read it too.

Giraffey1 · 16/01/2019 23:29

I think it depends on what you are willing to put up with. If a partner is great in all respects except for one, maybe that’s enough for you to accept. But in my experience, the more and the longer you accept, the more you may come to regret this in later years, if the partner is still not being sufficiently respectful of your feelings. In such cases, what was once a minor or small irritation that you were once able to balance out with lots of other great stuff, becomes a huge issue,

I don’t think it is helpful to have the ‘this is my kitchen’ attitude, because actually, it isn’t, and if you really want him to share the load then he needs to feel it is his space too.

Just don’t pick up his pants for a while, don’t do his washing or move his laundry around and don’t make any comment about it. If he is as smart and as nice as you say, he’ll make the connection and join up the dot. Don’t be like me and suddenly wake up a few years into the marriage to realise you have become an enabler!

tildaMa · 16/01/2019 23:30

But behind every useless man is a woman that has enabled his behaviour for probably years.

This.

Magenta46 · 16/01/2019 23:31

Is he the breadwinner. Does he work more hours than you? If I was ASATM I would not expect my DH to do household chores and likewise if you were the breadwinner

AWishForWingsThatWork · 16/01/2019 23:32

He's not lovely.

Plan a long weekend away for yourself and leave him in charge of the children, the house and the meals. Tell him you don't think he's getting what it's really like, based on how he contributes to the mess and work for you unnecessarily day in and day out at home, and that he whinges like a toddler when he experiences it for his whopping 15 minutes a month. A month!

Seriously. Tell him he'll be in the single parent at home for a long weekend, and he's not allowed to call in his family/friends to help.

PositivelyPERF · 16/01/2019 23:42

the Hate Men people that seem to lurk on this forum

Hate men? Or just don’t have any respect for the ones that do fuck all around the home, then become a martyr on the rare occasion that they do?

PositivelyPERF · 16/01/2019 23:45

Is he the breadwinner.

The 50s are calling. You mean, does she stay at home, looking after the children and home, while he advances his career?

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2019 23:49

All the 'hilarity' now will probably turn to bitter resentment in years to come.

We all have our quirks and things to laugh about our partners and ourselves, but 15 minutes housework a month (even if that is an exaggeration) is not even close to respecting the other person.

Bufferingkisses · 16/01/2019 23:59

But behind every useless man is a woman that has enabled his behaviour for probably years.

Why does a lazy man have to be a woman's fault?! I mean it can't possibly just be that they're lazy, nope it has to be attributed to a women. Jesus the 1950s has a strong grip doesn't it!

tildaMa · 17/01/2019 00:07

Why does a lazy man have to be a woman's fault?!

Lazy is not the same thing as useless.

DishingOutDone · 17/01/2019 00:10

Comedy gold there OP Hmm

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2019 00:11

Why does a lazy man have to be a woman's fault?!

Because if someone lived alone and was too lazy to feed themselves, clean their clothes, clean the toilet, buy the shopping they would literally die.

The person who enables that laziness keeps them alive.

That's the most basic way I can put it.

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2019 00:12

And it doesn't have to be a woman's fault.

If that lazy person lived with a man who enabled them, it'd be exactly the same.

You can only be a doormat if you lie down for people to wipe their feet on you.

NoSquirrels · 17/01/2019 00:13

Oh god - no one should recommend the "long weekend" with At Work Parent in charge as a curative.

All it really means is the kids eat takeaway, the meal planning and supermarket shop is left till it's "easier" (aka Absent Parent back on board and in charge) and all the displaced shit and chaos of a "long weekend" are left for the returning parent.

In conclusion: if they were a lazy git before, they will be after, despite your best efforts. And you'll be on the hook for everything. Grim.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 17/01/2019 00:20

Go on a date night and calmly tell him how you are feeling, housework must be shared 50 50 if you are a stay at home carer that is your job and it's does sound hard work but it does not mean you for all the house work too !!! Can you agree a fair schedule? He cooks 3x a week does the dishwasher every other night and does all the dark clothes if and when they need doing , the important thing is you must not ask him to do these things as if he's doing you a favour, he must just crack on with it with no asking or nagging from you, and he must crack on in silence. If he can't do this and can't see this as fair then he is a bit of a shit.
Anything less that this ( or whatever it is you agree on) and I would reconsider his lovelyness

treaclesoda · 17/01/2019 02:31

I think they are all like that. Deep down, they all think that house stuff is our job and they are doing us a huge favour by participating in it.

They're really not. Out of a wide circle of friends, family and colleagues, I only have one friend who has ever even mentioned that her husband behaves like this.

Monty27 · 17/01/2019 02:45

I was married to the messiest man on earth. I lasted 7 years.
The cup is all mine.
Ask me for horror stories by all means.
I am now dealing with living with our 23yo son. Sadly ds is just as bad Blush Confused

Transpeaked · 17/01/2019 02:57

I’m in my 40’s. I’ve had several relationships. I’ve only just met a man who doesn’t think he deserves an OBE for shifting his arse. I cannot think of one friend who’s husband/partner doesn’t act like this if they have to lift a finger. Are all men entitled twats who think housework/childcare/errand running/looking after elderly relatives (including their own) is beneath them? Vast majority.

hettie · 17/01/2019 06:13

It's sexist twaddle to say most men are like this. If you enable poor behaviour then some people will behave poorly. If I had somebody cleaning and tidying up after me I wouldn't change and tidy either...(I dream of paying someone to do this). But since we don't have paid help dp and I do it and to be fair he's far more on it than I. Somebody's been conditioning you lot to think it's a 'men' thing (so the work becomes a woman's thing)... It's not

YeOldeNameChange · 17/01/2019 06:26

Roussette
PMSL at the potato. Like he grew it himself. Maybe our DHs need to go hunting or have an allotment so they can deservedly receive praise for a kill brought back etc

My DH would so do that fishing for compliments thing. And he doesn’t get the adulation he desires EVER yet he still tries. In fact I tell him to stop announcing things he has done that I do as a matter of course.

Shoxfordian · 17/01/2019 06:54

Nothing lovely about a man who treats his wife like a housekeeper

EdWinchester · 17/01/2019 06:57

Why does a lazy man have to be a woman's fault?!

I said useless, not lazy. There is a big difference.

If the op’s husband lived alone, he wouldn’t get away with being useless because he wouldn’t have a woman enabling, then tutting over him.