To think I've 'settled' in life?

[Elmoespanol]

I will preface this with saying I love my life (mostly) and realise that I am very lucky to feel this way.

However, sometimes it feel like I've 'settled' and underachieved. When I was young I had so many plans, I was a big dreamer (still am).

I wanted to travel the world, live in different parts of the world, get a good education, a career, live in a house similar to I grew up in, and have a big family.

The reality is:

I have traveled but just the holiday once a year to the UK and Europe type travelling.

I have never lived abroad, I have never lived in London, I have stayed in the same small city since university.

I didn't finish university, I didn't have a career. I am now self-employed earning a very small part time wage.

We have a lovely house but it is tiny and will not be suitable once the DC are bigger, but I can't see us moving. I grew up in a large house in the country with a garden, my DC may never have that.

I love my DC more than anything. However, I had dreamed of a large family with four children. I am still of child bearing age but the conversations have stopped with DH and I feel that anymore are now off the table.

I am so happy but feel like I don't have the life I could have potentially had. I have settled whether I like to admit it or not.

Why didn’t you do the things you planned? What exactly did you plan that you haven’t done?

I think everyone feels this way a bit not matter what their circumstances. It's all relative. Do you feel like this from time to time or often?

I only feel like this very, very occasionally. I just had so many plans and dreams for myself and my family but I don't 'do' them, I just spend my time dreaming.

Parthenope - All of the above I had planned and haven't done. It's a massive list full of huge things.

I only feel like this very, very occasionally

I think that's normal. I bloody hope so anyway!

You could still fulfill some of your dreams. Lots of people go back to university when they have small children. A friend has just finished a midwifery degree with three children aged from 10 to 5.
I’m sure you made the best decisions you could have at the times that you feel have thwarted your plans. Sounds like you have a nice life though!

It’s easy to dream big with an unlimited hypothetical budget, where opportunities fall into your lap and your future partner happens to want all the things that you want too. Reality is that you’ve had to make choices, close some paths off in order to pursue others. That doesn’t mean settling, it’s just living.

Should I do something about it though? Should I start trying to achieve these things or should I just let it go?

That’s why I asked why you didn’t act on your plans in the past — if you can identify why you made the choices you did, maybe you can figure out how to achieve the things you feel you missed out on?

I think it's really important to appreciate what you do have. And it sounds you do and are happy. Why not make plans for some of the things you still want to do in life and just let go of the rest. Seems a shame to spoil a perfectly good life with "what ifs"... For me this is not settling, this is prioritising what's most important in life. No one can have it all anyway- at least not for a sustained period I don't think.

Hmm OP I used to get this feeling frequently because my life didn’t pan out the way I had thought it would.

But, I have finally accepted that rather than be annoyed with myself or others around for not letting me pursue my dreams.

Can you go back to university? Or start training for a new career? I know it’s incredibly difficult if you have been away from education or a work environment for a long time. I am slowly pushing myself back into education and working after 9 years! I think for me it was about self belief and not dismissing my plans because of ‘obstacles’ which were possible to overcome, injury didnt believe in myself, IYSWIM.

What I mean to say is that you can still do some of those things, you just have to find a way around those obstacles!

Injury = I just 🤦‍♀️

Hmm, I dunno. Unless there was some identifiable catastrophe which caused you to underachieve back then, it might be better to accept you're not up to the challenge of reaching where you'd ideally like to be. I know that sounds defeatest - and maybe it is !? but you can call it realism too. A great freedom.

It's no good beating yourself up about decisions you made in the past. What good is going through the rest of your life thinking ''coulda shoulda woulda''. Instead think - ''didn't and probably had a good reason, and that's that''.You were still you back then. Thinking the things that you think. Be kind to yourself.