Looking for a bit of advice or somebody in a similar situation who can share some wisdom.
I’m pregnant with my first LO & have been with DP for almost 9 years and married for 2. We were TTC for around a year, had abit of a rough patch, got through it and I fell pregnant (when we weren’t particularly trying so was a very lovely surprise for us both and we are very happy) now, whilst this has been ongoing I’ve always had issues with DM. I can’t go into specific details as I’m aware she uses this site as she’s depressed and wants support from the boards so I’ve kept it generalised etc.
Throughout my childhood she has never been there. She argued with every partner she had, fought with them, was aggressive, used drugs (not infront of me but party drugs like ecstasy) when I look back on these memories I can now identify she was off her face literally. When I was younger, she never paid me any attention and never attended any parents evenings etc. I was semi brought up by my Aunt and grand parents (I’m still very close to these family members which funnily enough DM hates that I am). She also told me when I younger that my dad wasn’t who I thought it was. I’ve never made any contact with my real dad. I didn’t have the best of childhoods but it wasn’t the worst either. My relationship with DM did improve a lot following my teenage years, she sorted herself out, had a good job and was very caring and loving - although I was always wary of her. For the last 5 years or so our relationship has significantly declined again due to her selfish, drunken behaviour I experienced as a child just I’m an adult now who will challenge her and tell her what I think. We’ve argued and I’ve always been more of a mum to her than she has to me. I think this is down to being in an environment in which I had to mature very quickly, as I’ve always been mature for my age.
She’s depressed which I try and be supportive of and help. I’ve bought her shopping, cleaned her house (whilst pregnant) and made appointments but if i don’t go with her, she won’t go (I work full time) I had HG early in my pregnancy, with medication I’m a lot better now. She’s went missing, is sleeping around with men & drinking far too much. She no longer works and goes from relationship to relationship (always done this) which is of course plastered all over social media every time. She’s a completely different person to the mum I actually got on with in my teen years. She’s starting to look rough (she smokes cigs without a filter) & can’t string a sentence together without “fucking” or c u next Tuesday thrown in there. (Don’t get me wrong I’m no prude and swear myself but I don’t sound common as muck) I’m not a snob or somebody who looks down on people it’s just embarrassing as it’s my mum! Another example of her selfish behaviour she text me last week wanting to lend another £100 which I simply didn’t have to give her and I wasn’t well, off work in bed - she wouldn’t have known I wasn’t well if she didn’t text me asking for money as I hadn’t heard from her.
My MIL is fabulous and sometimes wish she was my mum. She does everything for me particularly as I’m pregnant she’s massively helping with the nursery and won’t let me lift a finger. She wants to know how I’m doing and we are close as I lived with DP and PIL for a while (before we bought a house) MIL and DM are friends on social media and MIL can see everything including drunken long drawn out rants from DM, pictures of her kissing her new bf etc on Facebook which is becoming mortifying. MIL has asked if she’s ok which just adds to my embarrassment because we are nothing alike.
Sorry for the long back story which there is a lot more, my actual question is that I really want to go NC with DM I’m sick of her selfish behaviour. How can I stress to her about her unacceptable behaviour? I’ve spoken to her before about it and she brushes it off or says it didn’t happen. She doesn’t take it seriously which just annoys me more. She’s convincing herself that she will be babysitting my LO when I go back to work (absolutely no way) and bought a nursery herself. When I’ve mentioned a local, good nursery I want LO to attend she’s asked me “are you taking the piss? I’m doing it aren’t I” I’m a very confident woman through much counselling but when she asks me this direct question I feel really awkward which isn’t like me. I don’t want to send her off on the wrong path but at the time I don’t want her in my life or my LOs life until I see significant changes, which given it’s been years I don’t feel I’m adding any value in being involved with her anymore, I feel I just enable her. Has anybody got any advice of how I can tell her this? I’m due to give birth at the end of April / early May & despite not asking her she thinks she’s my birthing partner (despite knowing very little about my pregnancy in general) so again I’m going to have to clear this up with her. Although she drives me mad, I feel so guilty particularly after writing this all down. AIBU? Thanks for reading x