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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding middle name disagreement with DH

24 replies

wheneverythinggoestitsup · 16/01/2019 12:44

Bit of background - I did a thread before Xmas regarding racist FIL and how basically he refused to not use racist words in front of/at the kids and now we are not welcome in his house. MIL was very upset at the time and we have since met up at DHs brothers house when she doesn't have to tell FIL she is seeing us. We've always visited regularly before this but neither have been 'hands on' grandparents.

Fast forward, new baby due imminently. First child has my mothers name as middle name, and I want this second one to have a link to my father so have suggested if a girl I want to use his mum's name.

He has responded that he wants to use his mums name as middle name 'with everything that has gone on'

Now, I understand where he is coming from. However, these are my reasons for not wanting to;
My parents are much more involved with the kids - 2 days a week childcare and a proper relationship with them etc.
She already has a grandchild by his sister with her name as middle name.
All kids have his family surname.

I am now thinking I should have left the subject alone until after the birth as baby may be a boy and this problem doesn't exist but I've done it now.

AIBU in not wanting to use his mothers name?

OP posts:
greendale17 · 16/01/2019 12:46

Nope. The kids have his surname. That is enough family connection

pippistrelle · 16/01/2019 12:49

Neither of you are being unreasonable in having preferences. You have to compromise with something you both like.

LittleScottieDog · 16/01/2019 12:49

YABU. It's his mum, you've done the same with your mum. Presumably he still loves his mum so is within his rights to honour her in the same way your mum is honoured. How much they see the grandchildren had nothing to do with it and you don't have to give the kids your husband's surname if that's such an issue.

MimiSunshine · 16/01/2019 12:50

His family name as your family surname is enough.

If he disagrees, and some blokes do as they see their surname being the only option. Then just say ok, baby gets your mums name as middle name but my family name as surname.

I’m sure he’ll soon be saying that’s a ridiculous idea so then you go back to a middle name from your family.

Original poster
wheneverythinggoestitsup · 16/01/2019 12:51

I agree its his Mum, but in the same way he wants to honour her (only now there has been a fall out) I want to honour my Dad who literally bends over backwards for me and the kids. And this is my last chance to do so.

OP posts:
Icouldbehappy · 16/01/2019 12:53

I’m not sure if I’ve understood you, OP. Did you say that if it were a girl, you wanted a link with your father and you’d give a girl his mum’s name???
Can someone explain to me, sorry for sounding stupid Grin

Icouldbehappy · 16/01/2019 12:56

Ah right. I get it now. You want to use your father’s mum’s name!
I originally read “his mum’s name” as your husband’s mum’s name!

Original poster
wheneverythinggoestitsup · 16/01/2019 12:57

Yes sorry - if boy - middle name will be my dads name
If girl - I want middle name to be my dads mum's name (so my nan) so have significance for him - both his parents are dead.

Can't use my dad's actual first name as its one of those 'never ever coming back' names haha

OP posts:
SunshineandIcecream · 16/01/2019 13:01

Just give him/her two middle names. Sorted.

Original poster
wheneverythinggoestitsup · 16/01/2019 13:03

@SunshineandIcecream

Oh. My. God.
Why did this not even occur to me! I just laughed out loud reading your post as it's such an obvious solution I cant believe I didn't think of it.

Thank you! Grin

(I realise that may sound sarcastic but I'm not being)

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 16/01/2019 13:08

Why did this not even occur to me! I just laughed out loud reading your post as it's such an obvious solution I cant believe I didn't think of it.

I have no idea. It’s totally obvious.

However, will there be friction as to whose name comes first in the pair?

Usernumbers1234 · 16/01/2019 13:08

I think you were being kind of unreasonable. You had the call on the first child, would have been fair to let him have the decision on the second child.

I get why people make the comment, but I don’t see the relevance of the surname. That’s a prior decision around the marriage imo.

That said, I think going back with two middle names is a perfectly reasonable compromise on your part and should sort it

Maelstrop · 16/01/2019 13:09

Why did this not even occur to me! I just laughed out loud reading your post as it's such an obvious solution I cant believe I didn't think of it.

Perfect! 😀

Geminijes · 16/01/2019 13:10

literally bends over backwards

WOW, amazing man!

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 16/01/2019 13:12

If the name you want comes first alphabetically suggest that way - or if age of the person you want comes first suggest that way!

OutPinked · 16/01/2019 13:34

Two middle names, problem solved. We had to do it with DS because DP really wanted his Grandad’s name as one but I dislike the name and wanted a different one, that was our compromise.

NailsNeedDoing · 16/01/2019 13:40

The two names thing is a great idea, but only works if your dh is happy to 'share'.

I think it's only fair that if you got to choose to honour your family with the first child, then he gets to with the second child. Dh might not be happy to dilute that honour by having two middle names when your first child doesn't have that. I'd see where he was coming from tbh, you are being a bit selfish really. These are his children too.

Surnames are irrelevant, as presumably you have chosen to take your husbands surname, so your children have their parents surname. You would have taken that name because it belongs to your husband, not his parents.

Original poster
wheneverythinggoestitsup · 16/01/2019 14:13

@NailsNeedDoing

I probably am being a little selfish to be honest. The way I see it, his Mum and Dad already have grandchildren with their names as middle names.

If I don't do this for my Dad now, then he'll never have a grandchild with a nod to him in their name.

I think maybe I would feel differently if the relationship with his Mum was different. Who knows.

OP posts:
CantWaitToRetire · 16/01/2019 14:19

A compromise, if it's a girl, is to give the baby two middle names. The middle names aren't really used, they're just on the birth certificate, so it doesn't matter how many there are.

user1474894224 · 16/01/2019 14:21

My youngest has two middle names - my DH dad's name and my surname (which is also a boys name). It is customary in DH culture that grandad gives the kids a name. I didn't know for DS1, so we didn't do this. I wasn't quite sure how it works for DD2 - so I gave her a chinese middle name. By DS3 I got the idea but am way too much of a control freak to allow someone else to chose the names!! So I compromised by using his name.

CantWaitToRetire · 16/01/2019 14:22

Sorry, I delayed before posting so didn't see this had been suggested already.

phoenixrosehere · 16/01/2019 14:23

We did two middle names. One we each chose but we both had to agree on the overall name. I will admit though I do have a bit of a regret for compromising on our oldest first name. I should have fought harder for the name I wanted lol. His actual name is close to it but it’s not the same.

Two middle names is a great compromise.

NailsNeedDoing · 16/01/2019 18:04

It's not only about doing it for the grandparents though, you and your DH, as parents, are doing it for yourselves as well. Your husband has more right to have what he wants in a name for his child than your Dad has as a grandparent. I don't think it's fair to make it about the relationship either really, she's still his Mum and he still loves her.

SilverySurfer · 16/01/2019 18:29

I was going to say YABU wanting your DC to have both your DM and DF's names as middle names but see Sunshine has given you the solution.

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