DP moms

[wonderfulbee]

This may be long as I don't want to drip feed..name changed for this.

Been with DP 18 months, we have a beautiful DD 6 months. I haven't always had the best of relationships with his mom but always given her the benefit of the doubt. She had caused problems during my pregnancy I.e arguments between me and DP, reported my mom out of spite, didn't respect us when we said we didn't want anyone knowing until 12 weeks.

For the last 7ish months or so his mom has done nothing but sit on a chair in her front room writing a book. She doesn't bother with her own children, she doesn't cook no more, didn't support her husband when his mom passed away, doesn't pay much attention to how he's feeling. Leaves her husband to do everything all whilst he's planning his moms funeral :/ the whole family think she's used to her husband doing everything for her.

The reason I've come here is because I don't allow my mom to see my DD as she's a toxic woman, we don't speak at all. My mom put me through hell and I don't want that having an effect on any children I have. DP has now said he doesn't want his mom around our DD until she's sorted herself out and can be a better mom/wife, he thinks it's for the best. He's got old fashioned views :/ AIBU to agree to this?

You need to support your DP, I’d he feels that way, then he has every right to

@LittleLannister I have every intention in supporting him, I just don't want the whole family falling out over it. I'm more of a keep the peace person :/ but we feel like she's gone too far.

Your MIL sounds depressed tbh and maybe has had enough

When you say old fashioned views what do you mean because is this a woman who has reached her limit and detached or something else

He has every right to say no though

@Quartz2208 we're not entirely sure, she has had an affair previously and we're all wondering in this gentleman has come back on the scene.

“ Keeping the peace”

That right there is where crap behaviour from relatives goes unresolved,

My in-laws are horrendous, as are my own parents, initially I took their shit, then I realised that their toxicity and neediness added nothing but stress to my life, the fall out was tame compared to the stress they caused myself and DH

Your DP has obviously thought this out, go with it,

Is she awful or just not living up to his 'old fashioned ideas'? Be a better wife/mother, what impact does that have on whether she is ok to be around her grandchildren?

@LittleLannister thank you for that! I think he wants what's best for all in this but he can only see this as temporary.

@Neverunderfed because he sees it as if she can't look after her own children he can't trust her to look after his daughter

But 'looking after' adult children is very different, what looking after does he want?

@Neverunderfed the kids are 11 & 9 :/ I can understand where he's coming from because he wants to protect his child which is fair enough, I just want to keep the peace.

@wonderfulbee can I ask how your husband reacted when you said you wanted NC with your own mother? Did he support you or suggest you dont "to keep the peace"? I think if you are allowed to exclude people (with good reasons) then so is he. Theyre both your children.

@LilyOf2 it was entirely my choice, he doesn't like my mother due to how she treated me so he's more than happy for me not to speak to her.

Be a better wife/mother?? So he wants to withdraw until she improves?

It sounds like the lady is unwell and like your husband is from the 1950s.

@Marriedwithchildren5 he's angry because she couldn't support her husband when his mom passed away to the point where she was happy for her children to watch their nan die because she doesn't look after them, their dad does :/

@LostInShoebiz he's not that old fashioned but he does believe in supporting his better half no matter what..I've never seen him this hurt over something his mom has done before

I think you both sound awfully quick to cut people out of your lives (it sounds as if you were in contact with your own mum until recently). And you've not been together very long at all, which makes me worry a bit how isolated you both might get.

Also, why is the fact she's writing a book an issue? Ok, sure, I can see your DP might be upset if his mum isn't supporting his dad though a bereavement, but other than that, TBH it just sounds as if she is doing something time-consuming and getting absorbed in it. You don't say if she's a professional writer, has realistic publication plans, or is just writing as a hobby. But at worst it is a selfish use of time and she ought not to be so wrapped up in a hobby; at best it's work that's overwhelming her. I can't see how it's awful.

@SarahAndQuack it's taken me 5 years of abuse from my mother to cut her off..she tried to beat me up when I was nearly 6 months pregnant and I deem her a risk as she's an alcoholic too.

Her book writing is just a hobby..it's more the fact she's neglecting her children and his concern is his child..all I want to do is not allow a big family fall out to happen.

Did she used to though - as I have said it sounds like she is depressed at the very least and needs help in getting the support she needs