AIBU to tell my Mum she's being too critical of me

[VixenAndCub]

I'm 25 and throughout my childhood my Mum was good to me. She had Hell growing up and lost a child after me, but she was still there for me and my brother. We butted heads a lot when I was a teen because I went through suicidal depression and didn't tell anyone for years. As soon as she knew she did everything for me.
Not long after I was trapped in an abusive relationship for 5 years, after that she was reasonably supportive again.

But for some reason, over the last 2 nearly 3 years she's been quite horrid in a way. I graduated Uni, moved away from my ex, got my own flat, moved on with a new partner and now I'm 26 weeks pregnant with my first child.

But she's being so critical, hypocritical and rude lately. I think me becoming a Mum has made me see it more. She does nothing but complain about what I do, my choices and so on. My flat is never clean enough, there's fur everywhere (I hoover 3 times over before she comes over even when there's nothing there), and I swear she thinks I'm stupid.

Examples;
When she visits, there's no "hello!" hug and a kiss, there's a complaint about the journey and a comment about my 'dirty' flat. When she leare's no "love you" - I can't remember the last time she said she loved me. Even as a kid.

"Oh, I like [my partner], but he's this that and the other"

"That's a nice pram, but bit stupid to not get a convertable one" (it was convertable. She could have asked but instead she called me stupid).

What makes her hypocritical is that my Nan does this to her and her sisters, so why do it to me if she hates it?
She makes me, my partner and my partner's mother uncomfortable in our own homes - by being rude and ignoring my partner / his Mum (if we're over hers) as if they don't exist. Another thing she hates being done to herself.

I could go on. I know most of you will say "talk to her!" but here's the thing. I'm scared of confronting her. She makes my anxiety turn awful when she's around. I have full blown panic attacks before she comes over due to all the worry of what she will say.

I confronted her maturely before, I didn't shout or swear, I asked a simple question and she flew of the handle and hit me. I can't risk her doing that to me again now I'm pregnant. If I take her to a public place to do it, it won't stop her acting out and embarrassing me and herself.

I really don't know if I'm being unreasonable. Should I just grin and bear it? I know she'll non-stop criticize me on how I and Partner raise our baby. Or do I try and clear the air before my son is born and if she cuts me off (and gets the rest of my family to do the same) just deal with it?

TLDR; she makes me feel like everything I do is not good enough. I'm not a good enough daughter, partner and I certainly won't be a good enough mother in her eyes.

Gosh. I'm so sorry to hear this. This is a very special time for you, and it's not for your mother to spoil it for you, even if she doesn't realise what she's doing. Perhaps she does realise, but can't stop herself because it's so ingrained in her.

You are clearly not like your mother. You sound sensible, reasonable and sensitive to other people. Your mother's behaviour is upsetting you very deeply. Have you thought about writing her a letter? Be very specific about the things she is doing that are upsetting or downright rude. Tell her that you love her, but you feel that nothing you ever do is good enough for her, and that you won't put up with her constant criticism any longer. Tell her that it is a form of abuse, whether she recognises it or not.

How she chooses to deal with that information is up to her, and is out of your control. If she says nasty things to you on the phone, tell her that you have to say goodbye now and hang up.

I'm afraid that you will have to lead by example on this one. By refusing to put up with or engage with her bad behaviour she will be faced with two choices: change her ways or find herself out of the picture.

Good luck and enjoy your pregnancy!

She’s Abusive.
She’s hit you.
Disgusting woman.
If this was a friend or partner would you put up with it?

Why do you still have contact with her? She sounds horrendous, immature, ignoring your dp's mum?! If you can't bear to go NC, at least minimize the damage and reduce contact. Don't let her come over when your dp's mum is there.

It sounds like now you no longer need her support and you're independent, she is turning nasty. I would say to her, very quietly at her next shitty comments 'Any more negative comments and you won't see us again' and mean it.

She's abusive & violent. I'd seriously consider NC. I had a similar mother & going NC was the best choice I ever made. The constant digs just destroy your self esteem. She won't change. Confrontation rarely works, you get total denial, accused of making it up, tantrums & screaming & threats: Every strategy they have, to retain their role as abuser & keep you in your victim role. Put yourself & your baby first.