Help, grandparent problem

[AshBluex]

I might have to give a little bit of background for this post...

My mum was in a bike vs. car accident in 2010 and she as left permanently brain damaged. She can walk, talk and even drive relatively well etc but her left hand side is weak and she is off balance and is snappy due to the damage done.

My MIL and me have always been very close as I lived with DP for a long time before we got our own house. My mum isn't particularly happy about this, almost jealous, again due to her personality after the accident as she was not previously a jealous person.

For obvious reasons, me and DP are not comfortable leaving our newborn DS with my mum as we wouldn't feel confident that my mum could cope and wouldn't want to put this on her. My dad is there too, but is often out and hasn't himself been round babies for a long time.

Since DS has been born, my MIL has him once a week for the day which he loves and it allows me time to do housework and get shopping etc. Every now and again, me and DP stay at MIL's overnight with DS and MIL helps us and does the night feed. I suffered PND and found MIL and her help a brilliant support. My parents dont know we go to MIL's as I dont want to upset them.

DS is now 11 weeks old and my mum and dad keep asking to have DS for the day. We know when I return to work, they will have him for one day but he will be older. It is getting awkward as i assumed they would know due to my mum's injury things wouldn't necessarily be equal and normal.

Any advice on how to approach this would be brilliant, DP thinks I should speak to my dad but I feel awful as I know the situation is delicate as my mum doesn't view herself as disabled, she is brilliant I admit.

It doesn't help that DP and my parents do not get on, so dP feels even more uncomfortable leaving DS than me.

Thank you x

I don’t really understand why you think your parents, together, can’t look after your child? Maybe talk to your father about that?

Can you let your mum look after your child while you are there and see how she copes. It might be that she is more able than she appears. Or she might realise herself that it is too hard.
I feel for her - it must be hard having to adjust to this new life and be unable to do everything she could previously and see your ILs doing the things she imagined doing for herself.

There was someone else on here who had a similar issue with her mother except it was chemo damage. It was called something about "how can I keep devastating my mother" Loads of good advice on there if you can find it.

I'd say definitely talk to your father about it, but not in front of your mum. Take him aside and tell him your concerns. 11 weeks is still very little, and the bottom line is that you don't have to leave your baby anywhere that you are not 100% comfortable with.

So they will have DS a day a week when you go back to work? If that is the arrangement I'd rather start easing them into it. Maybe a few hours they could have him rather than a dull day to start?

My DD was a dream to look after at that age compared to now (18m)!! It is so much more of a challenge to look after them once they are mobile

I work FR and DD is in nursery I have a friend in her early 70s who often suggests she could have DD for the day instead of going to nursery. Friend isn't in the best of health I don't think she would keep up with DD at the moment so I put her into nursery instead

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3281536-by-devastating-my-dm

If your DP will be looking after your DS once you go back to work, then they should be building up a stronger bond with him now. Maybe let them have DS for half a day to start with to see how they get on and agree that it's on the condition that both your DF and DM are present to do the caring. Do you think that your DM's personality change (snappy) will be something she can control when she has DS?

Should have also said - I live approx 2hrs from family so they often visited to see baby rather than provide care. I didn't leave DD with anyone until she was 8 months and that was only for a few hours so I could get my hair cut and coloured. You don't have to leave cold with anyone you are not comfortable with. But as DS will spend a day with them when u return to work at some point you should ease that in so you and they know if it's manageable for them

How does your mum's snappiness manifest itself? I'd be reluctant to leave a toddler let alone an 11 week old baby with someone who might not have control of their impulses.

11 wks is little, but that obviously doesn't concern you as your MiL has him. I would say that if your dad was there too then what's the problem? They both managed to raise you and any other siblings.

My mum is disabled and was heartbroken when my first child was born as she was worried I wouldn't want her carrying her etc. It took adjustment and practice on her part but we got there and they all have a full and normal relationship.

Perhaps start with an afternoon or morning? A few hours while you go for an appointment?

Surely your father being around to help, as aPP has said, makes it possible? Don't see the problem in this case. Your mother on her own, no.

I think if they are going to have your DS a day a week when you return to work you should be starting to get him used to your DP now. You can maybe start by leaving him for an hour at a time and see how they get on? I am sure between them they will manage to care for your child fine. Loads of people with disabilities have children and manage to care for each. Your DM just needs time to find out what works best for her. Start building it up slowly so your DS has some attachment to them. You may be making a rod for your own back if you don't do this before trying to work.

I agree that if your DM is going to have your Ds for a day on your return to work, you need to make sure that both your DPs and your DS are comfortable with each other before then.
What is it that you are particularly worried about with your DM? Why will it not matter so much when DS is older. In my experience, DC only get harder to look after until they hit about 5!

If you are returning to work after maternity leave, then you will be leaving a just shy of 1 year old child with your mother, who has suffered a small amount of brain damage for one full day a week?

Sorry, but I can't get past that. With brain damage, the visible damage is only part of it. There will be far more that isn't completely noticeable. If she has a weakness in her left side, she may also have a small amount of peripheral vision that isn't brilliant, and not being able to tell the temperature properly with her left side.

If you can see that she is visible unbalanced, then she is probably even more clumsy than you've noticed.

My parents are also ill, my father had a stroke, and the reality is that the depression he suffered and still suffers to an extent, the mood swings, etc, mean he is NOT a suitable person to be looking after a child for a whole day.

You need to re-think this.

What do you think your Mum won't be able to do now that she will when your child is older, heavier and more mobile?

I'm a bit confused by that. With my youngest two my grandparents looked after them when they were tiny, but not bigger. Babies are easier to manage than toddlers.

Either - your DPs as a team are trustworthy enough to look after your baby when you are absent

Or - they are not.

Your DP is right on this occasion. If you cannot have an honest discussion with your dad about how much involvement he will have in your baby's care, alongside your mum, then you should not be leaving your child in their care at any point.

Older babies and toddlers will be more challenging from a safety point of view for someone with poor balance and weakness on one side, and who tires easily/gets snappy.

I agree with what your DP is saying - you need to speak to your Dad.

I also agree with what others are saying - older babies and toddlers are more challenging and if you're worried at this stage then I would probably reconsider.

Don't want to jump to too many conclusions, but did your DDad do hands on childcare with you OP when you were little? Feed, change nappies etc? Because this could be a whole new ballgame for him if not. Truthfully, would he leave all this to your DMum as she will most likely have done more of it? Will she be ok to manage this if he is not there?
You have said she has residual weakness and is snappy, and that your DDad goes out a lot. I'd be looking at nursery for childcare (instead of using DMum or DMIL) but get MIL lined up to have DC on poorly days so you can still work and she is not over-committed which can build resentment and tiredness.
Have you seen the numerous threads on here regarding family caring for DCs while parents work? Can be very problematic, more so as DCs get older.

You would be insane to have your mum provide childcare when she has suffered a brain injury. Organise nursery or childminder but it would not be safe to leave a baby / toddler with her. Yes, her feelings will be hurt but better her feelings be hurt than something bad happen to your baby while in her care.

Agree that you have this the wrong way round a bit - an 11 week old is a lot easier to look after than 12+ months, for someone with your mum's issues.

You seem to be happy for your parents to have your child when it's for your convenience but not to give them a bit of pleasure now! A 11 week baby is much easier than a 1 year old if my memory serves me correctly.

I agree with @coconutpie. I appreciate that your parents, particularly your DM, will be upset, but though the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak, as the saying goes. Putting firm childcare plans in place would benefit you. Your little ones safety, has to be your priority.

Sorry I am with others on this an 11 week old is easy to look after compared to a one year old. A one year old is mobile and can be in cupboards, tv units, climbing chairs in the blink of an eye but a 11 week old can do none of these things. If you don’t feel your mum can care for a 11 week old she definitely can’t care for a one year old. Speak to your dad it could be he plans to be around that day as he knows she may need help.

If you only let them have him for the day after mat leave it will come across as them being good enough to be used for free childcare but not much else.

Surely if your mother is still allowed to drive then she has the faculties to care for an infant for a few hours?

Ok from a different perspective here, you say that your mum doesn’t see herself as being as disabled as you all think she is. Is it possible that actually, you are all viewing her as more disabled than she is? People on the outside often view these things differently, and it doesn’t automatically follow that they are right and the disabled person is wrong.

Ultimately if you’re not comfortable with her looking after your baby then you’re not comfortable full stop and her having the baby when you go back to work is a non starter as well. But if you have an honest relationship with your parents then you’re going to have to bite the bullet and be honest about your reasons i.e. that you don’t feel she is capable. Because if you beat around the bush and make up excuses then there is going to come a point when she is going to wonder more and more what it is she’s done wrong, as not comfortable having your child on their own means not comfortable ever, not just when it suits you.

I realise that sounds harsh, but your parents are going to have to be told in order that they can adjust their expectations of the relationship they’re going to be permitted to have with their grandchild.