AIBU to ask for an idiots guide to brexit things

[IsItCoffeeTimeYet]

without any political slants/opinions?

Like what is "no deal"? What are the other options? How likely are they? (Please, without cynicism/personal bias!)

What was the vote today about? I thought they were trying to get an extension, is that not happening or still might?

Are we definitely going to leave the EU on 29th March? What reasons would we not? How (realistically) likely are these?

I'm such a political novice and can't get my head around any of it, particularly when different people are saying conflicting things because of their personal political views. Surely I'm not alone here?!
or does no one know what is going on and that's exactly what the problem is?

Have a look in New York Times online for their Brexit articles. They contain simple explanations for American readers. The Irish Times online is interesting too. I find it quite clarifying to read about UK politics from another nation's point of view when everything's all sound & fury here.

www.politics.co.uk/comment-analysis/2019/01/09/brexit-a-z-your-quick-and-easy-guide-to-the-most-complicated

This might help too.

The vote today was about whether to accept the "withdrawal agreement", which is the agreement that will (if passed by Parliament) govern how the U.K. leaves the EU. It does not determine the future relationship, but it puts in place a legal framework for a "transition period" during which the UK will follow EU rules and will trade within the single market as at present, while a trade deal is negotiated.

It also provides protections for the rights of EU citizens living in the U.K., and Britons living in Europe, and (very controversial) "backstop" provisions to ensure that there will not be a hard border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland.

"No deal" means just that - leaving the EU without a withdrawal agreement.