How to tell PIL...

[sirmione16]

My PIL (to be) are very well off, have paid a substantial amount towards our wedding in a couple months and now the time is getting closer, they're fussing over what's left to buy.

Thing is, I'm more than happy with how it's planned, I feel the MIL in particular will have lots of stuff she'll want to add which will admittedly be lovely BUT they're not necessary or expected, and I'm not one to spend money just because I can, so I feel bad saying yes to someone else doing so if that makes sense?

How do I phrase to her that whilst I appreciate her willingness, I simply don't want it.... it sounds so bloody harsh and ungrateful and rude! But I'm actually being genuine and realistic in what we can afford and what people have already gifted us towards it... I simply feel bad accepting more! Is this unreasonable? And how do I phrase it so she's not offended?

Can you ask them to contribute towards the honeymoon or the wedding night hotel or similar instead?

Dear MIL you have been more than generous and we're thrilled with the wedding as planned, please spend the extra money on joining us for the second week of our honeymoon 😁

Or put in an account if you are planning children. Mention of grandchildren is always a winner!

Pretty much like you did? "Dear PIL, we're so grateful for your help. Honestly if [matching bridesmaids dressing gowns/monogrammed favours boxes] will bring you joy then fill your boots,but they don't matter to me one way or the other we're just incredibly touched how much you've already helped"

I feel the MIL in particular will have lots of stuff she'll want to add which will admittedly be lovely BUT they're not necessary or expected

What side of stuff OP? If you think this stuff is lovely then personally I'd let her get it. If you like it then why wouldn't you?

@GreatDuckCookery things like extra bits of decoration (venue won't look empty or underdone as is)

Also things like she's said she'll buy all the men's suits, including my dads and brothers, as they're coming from the same (very expensive designer - her choice for her son (the groom)) place. Which makes me feel awkward because my dad and brother would happily pay for their own suit - in fact, they'll maybe even be a little offended by her doing this...but equally their budget would be lower compared to what she's prepared to spend on them. But this is what I mean - happy for her to buy grooms suit (her son, no issue) but my family and the groomsmen will expect to pay their own way, won't mind. As long as within budget. Her choice won't be, and her doing that and paying just feels wrong to me ?? I don't know... ?? AIBU here???

I feel so overwhelmed

So can you or your parents pay for the suits now? If you are able to pay for your own stuff, do so, otherwise graciously indicate that you don't want anything further. Your dad and brothers will need a suit, presumably? Tell her they want to wear their own and already have them or something. You can always circumvent her wanting to pay for more or stuck it up and allow it, but only if it's necessary/you want it, as long as she won't hold it over you in future.

Right I think I get you now. Is it because she wants a certain look for the groomsmen and your dad and thinks that they won't buy something as nice as she would?

Talk your dad and brother and see what they say, if they want to buy their own suits then get your fiancé to talk to his mum, pronto. Sounds like her heart is in the right place but at the end of the day it's your wedding and not hers.

Don't let this become a huge thing in your mind though, it can be sorted

@GreatDuckCookery

e she wants a certain look for the groomsmen and your dad and thinks that they won't buy something as nice as she would?

Yeah pretty much this - shes envisioning all the suits from the same high end designer, which my brother and dad wouldn't afford (they'd pay it but it's a big ask and uncomfortable amount for them if you see what I mean) but she knows this, and therefore is saying she'll pay. Her heart is definitely in the right place, but personally and I think for others too they'd rather just get their own from somewhere cheaper and pay.

Thank you for all replies, has made me take a breath and put it into perspective and feel I can approach this now (of which all are reasonable and gentle! Unusual for AIBU especially with wedding and MIL I was prepared for fire lol)

why is mil deciding what the groom and other males wear?
You and dp should be deciding and sorting it, mil can pay for the suits that you have decided on

Yeah I totally see the dilema but I think though she is coming from a good place- she is overbearing and I don't really think it's her place to make demands on where the suits come from.

Could you hire them ? So really great quality but not the price. We did this so men looked great. Suits turned out to be new as it happens.

@HeebieJeebies456 probably because they are paying for the wedding or a lot of it. My friend's recently got married, their parents paid for the wedding as well and they were having similar problems and because they were paying for it then the bride felt like she had to go along with it.

OP, that's tough. It does seem like she's doing it for the right reasons however if my DF was in that position, he would want to pay for his own suit too.

I'd speak to your DF, you could either get him to buy his suit now and then tell MIL it's too late and he's already got his suit?

@Peepingsnowdrops I was considering hiring too.

@HeebieJeebies456 she's not deciding what they look like, we've said what colour/style/design etc however she wants this certain designer to make the grooms, and says it only makes sense for the same place to just do all of the men's.

I might have a scout around, find what I would go for but then I will feel bad when I say to her it's sorted... I just feel she'll be offended as she's offered and almost insisted.

Ugh. Im going to end up making someone a little uncomfortable at the end of the day some how - whether her or my family. I would get DP to talk to her but I'm worried he'll phrase it wrong and I'll come across as bridezilla!

Your MIL sounds quite controlling OP. Goodness help you once you have DC!

Why not float the idea of MIL buying the suits to your family? My brother is getting married in September and I am perfectly happy to buy my own dress, looking at Zara or M&S but quite frankly if the MIL stepped up and said 'D'you fancy Prada, my treat' I'd bite her bloody hand off and be very grateful too. We have have a young family, DH is working on contract hours since being made redundant last October so although I am perfectly happy to buy my dress the money could be put to better use elsewhere. If your brother is has a family he will be buying other outfits/gifts, posbky travel hotels etc. Same for your Dad, spending money on a suit he may never wear again.

If they say no, then it is them saying 'NO' not you. And you can go back to her and say, I suggested it and they want to buy their own but thank you for offering it was very generous. As for the décor, say you want to go for a certain look - unfussy pintrest some looks to back up your ideas and vision. DH needs to get on board here.

She sounds very generous but may be DH can remind her its your wedding not hers. That is no need to fall out but let this be a lesson going forward, accept the coins and suggestions on where to spend them.

Good luck OP. Have a super day.

@KC225 your post was super helpful, thank you. And you're right I can say that they said no not me which takes a bit of pressure off

@CantWaitToRetire yeah. Grandchildren. 39 weeks pregnant. It's their first grandchild (and atm his siblings aren't considering children for years)
She's been rather relaxed until the other day when they turned around and told us to buy us a brand new SUV on their card with a five figure budget. Thing is, I have a 5 door, large car already which is MORE than suitable, and OH has his own car too! They just don't seem to see we can manage fine, we're not in need of their help and sometimes feel a little offended even though in their eyes they're being lovely and generous and helping family is all. So hard.