To stop my hatred and anger towards my parents?

[b1ackheart]

Today on a post I finally admitted that I used to be a drug addict, it was a minor comment on a thread but to me it was a massive step in my lifelong recovery in that I can talk openly about it now. After I posted my comment I realised how much hatred and anger I still have towards my parents over my childhood and other decisions they’ve made affecting me, and even though I now have contact with them, I am constantly thinking about it and can’t seem to get over it.

-I hate my dad for cheating on my mum.
-I hate my mum for staying in the relationship.
-I hate my parents for heavily involving me and my brothers in their arguments, with us being 11 to 16 years old.
-I hate my parents for turning our family home into the most toxic environment to be in.
-I hate how they use to emotionally abuse us.
-I hate how they drove me and my eldest brother to leave the house as much as possible and end up hanging with the wrong crowd.
-I hate how that lead to me and my brother trying all sorts of drugs.

• i hate how that lead to us becoming drug addicts.
• I hate how my mum called the police on me for finding drugs in my coat pocket.

-I hate how that caused me to overdose.

• i hated how they made me go to rehab but not my brother, who at the time was worse than me.
• i hate how they ignored my brothers drug problem, and didn’t try to help him, but chose to just help me and pay for my rehab.
• I hate how my brother was begging for help and they didn’t give it to him.
• I hate how them not helping him, lead to his death.

I don’t hate them for getting me the help and helping me become clean, but once they got me into rehab I stopped talking to them as I blamed my brothers death on them, which I know is horrible but I was a mess back then.

I’ve come to terms with a lot of the reasons why I hated them, as I know some were because they thought they were doing their best for us. But they all seem to connect and once I think about one, it all just blows up in my mind of what they could of done to prevent things from happening. I know I shouldn’t of taken the drugs in the first place but at the time they acted as my best friend, my family and my lover, I couldn’t part ways with them, without the help. I wanted contact with my parents as they are my family and I missed not having contact with them for ten years after I became sober.
Sorry for the sob story and the fact it’s a long post!

So my real question is how the hell do I stop this hatred towards them, I want to love them whole but I can’t. Have you been able to forgive your parents, or someone you trusted so deeply? or have you blamed your parents for something that you shouldn’t of perhaps blamed them for.

(Not sure whether I’m posting in the right section but everyone seems to use AIBU? For all types of threads)

I used to hate my parents. I have never really forgiven them, but I realised that continuing to hate them was only hurting me and they just carried on oblivious. I found a kind of acceptance, they were shit parents but there is nothing I can do or they can do to change the past. If I think about the past, I still blame them. So now I just tend to think about now and the future. I can't say I really love them though. I hear the way some people talk about their relationship with their parents and it makes me sad that I've never had that. But again, I kind of just accept that it will never be now.

I think different people find their peace in different ways. Counselling, trauma therapy, meditation, mindfulness, walking, yoga, living well. Acceptance of the past and the fact that we are all flawed humans. Acceptance that we, ourselves have to be accountable for our own actions.

Bitterness and hatred is affecting you so putting it aside and accepting the things you can’t change will ultimately bring you peace. Your post sounds as if you need more help with this.

Well done for overcoming your demons. For your sake and your brother’s I hope you can find some peace. Probably not 100% but enough.

I hated so much for so long, it was physically and mentally exhausting, I aimed the violence at myself, cutting, burning anything to snap my head back in place for a moment. It changed the last few years and I started to lose the fight that had fueled me through the years, I went low, memories resurfaced and I started losing the will to see the point in anything, bit the bullet and went for help, I'm still in the process of it all, I still feel weak, but I do feel a glimmer of light, I so wish I'd spoke about it all a long time ago x

Op you do have valid reasons for being angry.. up until you said being outside led to you trying drugs..........but,in the gentlest possible way some of those things you are angry about are not directly their fault...you both trying drugs was not their responsibility however poor their parenting was..that was your choice and your brothers.
Everyone makes mistakes.

All that followed stems from that very sad situation, and ended in tragedy.
If you have a decent relationship with them now could you speak to them about your feelings on the first few issues you listed?

Maybe a calm friend could mediate? Just to be heard can give some closure.

Forgiveness is hard but, l am sure they never wanted you or your brother to get addicted to drugs and have probably suffered too, (although of course l do not know the extent of their behaviour so may be wrong.)

Acceptance is the only way to get peace op, if you cannot forgive then maybe you can accept they were flawed in their parenting but tried.

Also forgive your younger self for mistakes easily made and try and let it go. I wish you peace and am so very sorry to hear about your brother, l hope you have some good memories of him.