AIBU - 30th Birthday??

[CannotChooseFamily]

Name changed for this!

AIBU - my mom and sister have just informed me they will be booking the week of my 30th birthday off - not to celebrate my birthday at all - but to go on their own separate holiday together abroad?!

It’s my 30th this summer and I was kind of hoping (maybe this is where I went wrong!) that they may want to organise a get together at least for my birthday?? Or at least be around for the weekend beforehand so we can do something to celebrate!

They don’t understand why I’m not happy. I would get it if I NEVER did anything for them. But I organised a meal out for my moms birthday last year, paid the deposits, pre-ordered all the food, got in touch with the restaurant multiple times when they kept changing the guests etc. This is not the only time I have done stuff like this. I would never dream of booking a holiday on my own when it comes to their 30th and 60th which are approaching soon (after this maybe I would though!). I have said this to them, but my answer was - why should we organise something for you. Apparently I’m acting like a child for feeling hurt and upset and frankly, a bit annoyed.

AIBU to be hurt by this? Apparently it’s the only week they could get off together. In the whole of 2019. Yet when I kick up a bit of a fuss, they miraculously can book the following week .

Honest answers would be great. Maybe I’m being too sensitive but it just feels like they really couldn’t give two f@*ks.

How hurtful. I hope you and your DH can make your 30th special.

Please don't even think about doing anything more for this obnoxious pair's 30th/60th than sending a card, and turning up to any party you're invited to.

If they drop hints about 'what are you planning for our birthdays' then it's time for the 'but I thought you didn't think it was important? That's what you said for mine' response.

Is there a pattern of this behaviour on their part?

If they are like this all the time I would go nc with them. Or at least not bother with anything on their birthdays ever again.

Sorry for the delay in my replies!

My sister and my mom are going together. My parents are separated and my sister still lives at home.

Thank you smellysocks - I appreciate it. It’s been hard since losing him but family haven’t really been there to be honest.

If we were a family of doing absolutely nothing for birthdays I think it would have been easier to take that they couldn’t give two hoots, but my mom has been rallying around for my aunties 60th in February - all she’s doing is a house get together :/. None of it makes any sense to me why they are being like this. They assumed I would be away but they could have spoken to my husband to see really couldn’t they, especially before getting dates and holiday ideas.

I’m just fuming and hurt really. It may not seem like much as it is just a birthday after all, but to me it just feels like they can’t be bothered. You’re all right though! I won’t be planning anything for theirs. They’ll be lucky if I turn up! 😤

Walkacrossthesand - I guess there is a bit of a pattern. They do something like this regularly and then because I’m not happy about it, they fly off the handle, scream and shout that they won’t do it anymore then and then turn it around like I always get my own way . I think they may be delusional and feeding off each other. When I step back, it’s a very toxic relationship really! I’m so glad to have such a lovely family with my husbands parents x

I’m sorry OP they sound lousy and I’m sorry for your loss x

Take back control. Organise something that you’ll enjoy- and as mother and sister won’t be in the country they can just feck right off that invitation.

I think the important bit is their reaction when you said you were upset.
They could have said "Oh, we're really sorry, we didn't realise you might think that. Yes, let's do something nice the week before / week after."

I can imagine me witlessly booking a hol and forgetting some important family date, but I'd be super apologetic and try to sort it out.

YANBU

They sound selfish and obnoxious. Do they have some sort of co-dependent relationship?

I'd ignore their birthdays from now on. If they bring it, I'd tell them I was following their lead of not celebrating family birthdays any more.

So sorry about the loss of your son op. If I was you I’d book a nice week away with your DH and bAsically never mention their birthdays. Concentrate on you and DZh going forward

Don't let them ruin your birthday, plan your own dinner for while they are away.

go out and have a great time with your husband, dont mention any birthdays to them again.... save it up and when their birthdays roll around dont even call them to say happy birthday, dont buy a gift, dont make any effort at all, and when they call up in a shitty mood demanding to know why you forgot their birthdays... just remember yours.... let them know you thought they didnt want to do birthdays any more, or at least that was the impression they gave you ( or tell them that oh sorry we missed it, we went over seas for a holiday :))

I think the people who say this wouldn't bother them must be made of stone, and I say this as someone who doesn't give a toss about cards or presents, and had a VERY low key 30th birthday. It's because you are being treated differently to other family members when it sounds like if anything you should be more looked after. At least you have a supportive DH - can you afford to do something really special together?