Is this something other people do?

[Guineapiglet345]

So this has happened to me a few times in my life and although it’s mildly disappointing I just think it’s weird more than anything.

An older family member offers to pay for something you’re struggling to afford but then never stumps up the cash.

So for example when DH and I bought our first house together my DM was adamant we needed curtains downstairs, but the windows are a strange size and no one can see in from the street, so we were putting off buying them because there were other things we needed to buy first. DM rings me up one day and says ‘if you buy some curtains I’ll send you the money’, so I go out and buy them, ring her up and tell her how much they cost and she says ‘oh, good I’m glad you finally got them’ and changes the subject.

Another time MIL insists DH must have some new trainers for the gym, he’s not bothered and wants to keep using his old ones which are fine, she says ‘look, just buy some and I’ll give you the money’ so he does and next time he sees her he says ‘I bought those trainers, they were £40’ and she says ‘ok, here’s £10 towards them’.

There’s a few more examples I can think of but I just find it annoying because it’s always things we wouldn’t have bought otherwise, do other people’s parents do this?

Yes. My Dad does this. For example he once offered to pay for all my meals on a holiday we went on - he made the offer repeatedly in the run up to the trip, then when we got there he never mentioned it again.

Occasionally he’ll surprise me by following through on it but 9 times out of 10 it’s an empty promise.

He is a great father in every other way and I don’t need his money so I’d never mention it to him, but it is a bit annoying!

Yep my mum does this. Buy that X thing you were talking about and i’ll Pay you for it. She never does so now I don’t bother until I can afford it.

She’s done it recently with a baby item we need for upcoming DC2. I haven’t bothered buying it yet until I have the money. If I mentioned it she’d probably pay but we don’t need the money so I don’t bother.

I think it makes her feel better to offer but doesn’t actually expect to pay for it.

@MynameisJune yes, DM did it with my pram too, ‘I’ll buy it, you can have any you want’ I said to her some were about £1,000 and was that ok? And she says ‘oh yes, don’t worry about the cost’ luckily I ordered it on but now pay later so I didn’t have to pay for it until I went back to work after maternity leave.

Where does she shop that trainers cost £10?

Anyway yanbu. Bizarre.

Yes my dad does this. I just never listen to him anymore because he is all talk. I don’t expect any from him but he will often “offer” things then they never appear or he says he will reimburse me but doesn’t. Thinks talking about something is as good as doing it. I think he also knows that I’ll never chase him up...

I have this but more along the lines of 'you need to get xxx, I'll pay' and then fifty million conditions are attached to the offer mainly along the lines of controlling what I buy so that's it's exactly what they (my mother) want and it's nothing like anything I would want. So I refuse all offers or conditions. If they want to buy, they buy the item I choose and I'm very grateful. If they don't, no problem, my life is fine without it.

Ha yes Mil (I'm no contact with now) had given DH's sister a sum of money towards a caravan. She's had then told dh to have a look around and let her know when he'd found something.
DH was excited I think and a few weeks later he went to a dealer and saw what would have been ideal.
The following day he went to see Mil and mentioned the van, she replied something like "oh that's nice" and it was never mentioned again. Fortunately we had made no commitment.

I referred to the whole episode as the carrotvan. It was the carrot to dangle to keep him sweet. Her was of control. Unfortunately he'll never see it.

My parents do this and it’s so annoying. They offer but nothing ever happens. It massively screwed us over for our wedding. I’d rather they just didn’t offer. It’s not helpful if they don’t follow through.

My DHs (very very wealthy) uncle is like this too. It’s like why offer? It’s not helpful if you don’t follow it through, you aren’t fooling anyone with your false generosity.

No not my parents, but my friend did it with going to a festival. Promised me birthday money if I went (I couldn’t afford it) and then no £ appeared l.

@AGHHHH exactly! DH refused the £10 and said he didn’t want her get get the satisfaction of telling her pals she’d bought his trainers when he didn’t even need them anyway!

@Kickykickykickkick my friend’s dad has just got an inheritance and offered to pay for her wedding and the first thing DH and I said to her was don’t pay for anything until you’ve got the cash in the bank based on our past experiences.

OP do your parents then tell their friends that they bought you X and how wonderful they are? Because my parents do that and it annoys me more

@Guineapiglet345 I really wished we had done that in hindsight

They were there when we booked the venue so they knew how much it cost and that we chose it based on our budget (which was based on how much they would give us - they insisted, we never asked for money). They were going around telling people on the day (and prior to the wedding) that we were getting married and how it was costing them a fortune

@Kickykickykickkick definitely, yes. I’ve heard MIL telling her sister on the phone how much they’d spent on something for our house, but we never ever ask them for anything but if they offer them we accept and make sure we thank them properly.

My Mum does this a lot. She also used to be forever asking me to order her things and never gave me the money.

From about June she will whittle on about how much money she will give for Christmas and frequently forgets or chnanges the amount. I don't care for the money anyway

It was DS's birthday recently and she asked me to give him some money and she will send a cheque, and she told him. We'll see if it ever arrives

Also meant to add.. like with Christmas I think she tells me so many times that I think in her mind she thinks she's done it.

I dunno I've given up trying to figure it out

FIL. He’s even suggested paying school fees in the past and since then has spent significant time and effort extolling the virtues of a state school education. He likes to play Lord Bountiful but never follows through. It’s a question of control I think.

I love reading threads like this and the nasty MIL/grandparents ones, I think I'm bloody marvelous, I can transfer money as I'm talking in the phone and I'm often told off for sending too much!!! Need a lie down, this halo's giving me a headache!

This is so weird. Why buy new trainers because your mum told you too obviously she shouldn’t offer then not follow through but very strange that she insisted your partner needed new trainers and he did as he was told! How old is he?

Why don't you call her on this? Say "Look, you know perfectly well when you make that promise you never keep it, so I'll buy the curtains/shoes or whatever when I want it and can afford it and not a minute before."

buttonhead101 My DDad used to be exactly like this:

I have this but more along the lines of 'you need to get xxx, I'll pay' and then fifty million conditions are attached

He thought he was being generous, but it was just controlling.

My mum often does what other people on the thread are talking about (offering to pay for things and then not following through), but then she'll randomly buy me something she thinks I need/want (sometimes rightly, sometimes not so much) or insist on giving me money for something specific which I don't need or want, but she things I should.

My parents are generally very good but tend to over stretch themselves!

I got engaged last summer and they insisted on contributing towards it!
I sat them down and explained - very openly - that nothing was expected from them and anything would be gratefully received - HOWEVER- I would hold them to anything they promised and if they reneged or didn’t follow through I wouldnt cover it up!

DP doesn’t know what they are like yet and I wouldn’t let us be left short!

Yes my DM does this, I don't buy the thing unless I have the money in advance or she actually buys it.

She also often says she's going to do things/go places, and doesn't.

I very much take anything she says with a pinch of salt.

@drinkygin I think it was more a case of if she was paying then he wouldn’t have minded having a new pair, but the old pair he had were ok so he wouldn’t have spent his own money on a new pair if you see what I mean.

I have a solution.

We sell curtains £3 a pair and £2 for a pair of trainers. I volunteer in a charity shop and many people come in and buy all sorts of items when setting up home.