To ask school to help more with 14yr old dd mental health

[tigwig76]

My dd has struggled at high school since starting. We've already had 1 move and things were ok for a short while but the school has gone through some big changes and I don't think it helps her at all. She is clever and in top sets but suffers awful anxiety and cries and begs me not to make her go to school several times a week (most days). She does have some arguments with other students and has had boyfriend issues but nothing out of the ordinary for a teenager.
We've had 2 cahms referrals and cbt treatment but she always acts 'normal' like everything is fine. She also pretends at school it is too apart from odd times when she locked herself in toilets.
I don't think pastoral care is great. They say the right things but nothing is done. Dd is just sent back to lessons.
She wants me to pay for online schooling. It's expensive I can't commit to it. Have looked at options for college at 14 - 16 units but it's probably too late to start for yr 10 now. I can go back to the GP again but not sure what else can be offered.
Was thinking maybe a shorter school day or week but don't want to impact on her future. Does anyone know if there are any other options available or support or what I can suggest to school? School just presume she is ok as they don't see her in a state like I do.

Can you find her a counsellor out of school to talk to?

It's not clear from your post what exactly you think school should be doing that they're not. But if you have specific comments or things you think they could be doing better, then by all means talk to them. However, a good counsellor specialising in working with young people could help her develop resilience, and therefore help her long-term.

You can go to the school and discuss the options.

I would think talking to your daughter is the priority, why does she feel this way and why does she pretend to be fine when help is offered.

You sound like me 2 years ago. I feel for you OP.
Is there a school counsellor? (although my DD would not entertain that idea)
Get a private counsellor - you might have to try a few till you find the right 'fit'.
CAMHS were well-intentioned, but I felt they had a one-size-fits-all approach.
In the end, the school agreed that DD could work a reduced timetable, and didn't do any mock exams. This helped a bit, but in the end, she skipped about 3 months of yr 11, went into school for her GCSEs only and got 9!
My DD's resilience is still quite low, but I'm glad to say she has a part-time job, instead of doing 6th form or college, has gained independence, and her mood has lifted.
I should have worked out when she was little that group situations (ballet, Rainbows)made her anxious, and taken steps then to help her.
Sorry if this hasn't been much help - I just wanted to express my sympathy.

Thank you for the answers. I'm going to contact her HOY. I spoke to our local college today about options but not a great outcome. Year 10 courses started last Sep so she can't do that. You can go to do yr 11 but it would mean her doing 3 days at college then school for other 2 to do maths and English GCSE. Obviously this is seriously restricting her qualifications at GCSE level as she would hopefully gain more at school. Another downside is school have to agree and fund it as Its not available for funding if not.
Another option is online school but this is a push financially and as both me and her dad are self employed I'm worried to commit to the cost.
Not really sure what else to say or do. If we pushed ahead with referral for college for yr 11 and she hates the course she's then not going to get on another course without resitting gcses.

It's good to be looking at options but you seem to be focusing on the symptoms rather than the cause. Maybe also try to find some options for helping to work out, as a pp said, why does she feel this way and why does she refuse help.

Have you spoken to the SENCO? They are probably the best to arrange a part time table if needed. Also is there a learning g support base so she could work there sometimes instead of in the classroom, she may find that reduces her anxiety.

I agree with Pippi. I think you're looking at this from the wrong angle what exactly expecting from the school I think you need to really settle down and have a long talk about how you feel what you think and how she feels watch it specs.

Because any counsellor, cahms, senco, isn't going to be able to help her, if she doesn't want help.

I was made to take DS1 to counselling and he didn't want it and it was completely pointless, so counsellor and I agreed to stop it soon after. Like an alcoholic, who doesn't want the help.

I think YABU to expect school to do more - but YANBU to expect more help in general!

I was EXACTLY like your DD at her age (I’m mid twenties now) - Very bright, top sets, didn’t fully ‘fit in’ but equally wasn’t a total outcast! I used to beg my mother not to send me and was quite thorough in my justification of this- parenting intelligent teens is much harder I think!

I had HUGE anxiety, mainly due to my being bright and overly aware of things around me- but I was never ‘mentally ill’ with a proper diagnosis as I was pretty good at being ‘normal’ when I wanted to be!

• I did have CBT - it did not help

Your DD needs to be out of the ‘school’ environment as it doesn’t work for her- imagine you being forced into a school setting now- schools are not places for intelligent/mature teens- they’re hormonal Pitt’s of socially awkward tension and playground politics!

But there really is NOTHING the school can do other than make the right noises and send her back to class!

I stopped going 6 months before my GCSE’s and studied alone at home- I got all A’s! College was a much better experience

That's what she wants. To study at home. But how an earth can she do that with no guidance from school? Then you have to pay for gcses which are alot. She's just stomped off to bed as I won't let her have a day off. A meeting is scheduled for next week and she expects to stay off until then.

A part time timetable can only be agreed as a short term measure - what would she temporarily drop?

I am ideal world, what would you like the school to be doing, given the expertise and resources available?

It's a really tough thing to deal with.
Most schools don't have a counsellor these days as they can't afford it, so can only signpost to camhs or the local well-being service.
In my area, the provision is absolutely dire, so you have my utmost sympathy. (I have a dc with mental health issues too.)
If you can keep her going to school with cajoling and support, do - it's much tougher to go back after being off than dipping in and out if you see what I mean. If she's off, ask the school for work to be sent so she's keeping up as much as possible.
The suggestion of a counsellor is a good one - the school might be able to recommend someone, or your GP, but you will probably have to pay.
I hope you find a solution.

Ypu have identified the biggest part of the issue - she pretends everything is fine, therefore, no one can help her. CBT is hard. It requires you to work at implementing the strategies in order to ensure things change. You have to accept you will have set backs and then keep going. It is the therapy form of tough love. The problem with anxiety (and other MH issues) is that it is easier to deal with it the way you always have, which, in your dds case is to put on a mask and pretend, until it all gets too much and she wants to hide under duvet. In terms of expectations on the school - the referral to camhs is good. In the meantime, she should have a time out pass, a safe place to go and work independently when she becomes overwhelmed, a named contact person who she can go to and who will touch base with her a couple of times a day, access to the school nurse and intervention from the school attendance officer. Im HOY of year 11. These issues are, sadly, quite frequent. If you allow her to stay home, going into school will become harder and the anxiety demon will grow.

Does the school have an educational psychologist? This is exactly the kind of situation they can support.

Realistically schools are not able to do anything other than send her back to class - in the school I work in each pastoral worker has roughly 500 students each. Their day is taken up with various meetings with parents, external agencies etc. They deal with a ridiculous number of parent phone calls every day as well as those parents who just turn up demanding to be seen. Then the remainder of their day is spent working with students. All of this needs to be logged and recorded appropriately. Of those 500 students there will be 10-20 who, for various reasons, don't want to go to lessons. There is no-one to supervise them as well as no empty rooms for them to go to, therefore there really is no alternative than to send them back to class.

The reality is schools are not able to provide the pastoral support that they would like to, or that students need, sorry x