To think I am unlovable & don’t deserve a DP

[LaurelAndHardyFan]

I’m 48. I was married for 24 years & I’m recently divorced after 3 years of separation.
I have been with DP for 2 years & we’ve lived together for a year.
When I first met DP I explained that I have never been a tactile person & quite like my own personal space i.e on the settee or sitting on my own chair. DP puts his feet up my lap & I have no problem with that.
I don’t mind putting my arm through his if we go out on a walk. I hardly ever surprise him with a cuddle or a kiss.
I never recall receiving affection from my parents & I’m sure this has something to do with it. Even my best friend of 35 years refers to me as an ice queen.
I do try but after an hour or so I revert to type.
My Ex really struggled with this throughout our marriage which is why I wanted DP to understand it wasn’t that I don’t love him it’s just not something I ever think about.
Recently DP has been making comments about my lack of touching & threatening to do the same as me. I tell him I love him every day.
For me , my way of showing I care is by cooking dinner every night, bringing him tea in bed every morning etc. I know it’s not the same but I just don’t know how I can change.
Sometimes I think I’d be better off on my own then I can’t disappoint my partner due to being unloving or wonder if I can do something to change.

Luckily my dh isn't touchy feely. Many years on separate sofas lol. I do make an effort to verbally tell him and love him and why

I don't think there's anything wrong at all with wanting your own space, but as you have said yourself this seems to be an issue stemming from your childhood, and is now affecting a second relationship, I wonder if it might be worth having some counselling to try and get to the bottom of it?

I don't know how you managed 24 years married. I am exactly the same, also probably from childhood, expressing 'affection' through practical actions rather than demonstratively.

Went through 3 relationships where I 'loved' 2 of them, but it was never enough and there was nothing more I could have done.

2 years therapy did nothing for me.

Its heartbreaking so I decided to stay single and a decade later am much more content. Occasionally it would be nice to have company but its not worth the heartache.

I’m exactly the same. Almost 30 years married. I wish I could change, but I just can’t. I do love DH dearly, but I can’t show affection.

I’m the same as you and all I have to say is don’t beat yourself up over it, you show love in other ways, you aren’t unloving. Just because he equals love to physical touch doesn’t mean you do/have to. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you.
Maybe show your partner the 5 languages of love, do the quiz. It can be quite helpful.

I think the Languages of Love quiz would answer some things for you both. It certainly did for us.

Look up love languages. We learnt about them on our pre marriage course and I think you would find it helpful. Basically there are five main ways for how you can express your love for your partner - words of affection, acts of service, physical touch, quality time and gifts. So your preferred love language might be acts of service, for example.
In my relationship my husband is much more into touch than me, I prefer him to see jobs that need doing and help out. So I have to bear in mind that I need to hug him sometimes without him initiating it or he starts to feel unloved. But he needs to remember that I've shown my love by baking a cake and ironing his shirts. So in the end we meet in the middle. I feel like this would be a helpful tool for you and your partner too x

Yep, as PPs have said before, read up about the five languages of love. Find another language apart from physical touch which allows your DH to feel loved but which you are still comfortable with.