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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be suspicious

47 replies

Nighowl · 14/01/2019 17:48

Found a letter from the bank confirming an appt for my husband next week.... We’ve not been getting on well recently, to the point we even talked about splitting up, but are trying to make it work. Found this letter yesterday and not sure what to think? AIBU to be a bit suspicious of this? He’s not mentioned it at all......

OP posts:

Auntiepatricia · 21/01/2019 11:35

Uh oh. Doesnt sound good OP.

bigredmachine · 21/01/2019 12:02

You’re not being ridiculous and he’s lying. It takes about 2 minutes to set up and easily accessible savings account. I’ve done it twice myself via online banking and the accounts appear in a day. No need for an appointment.

Well, that's me convinced that he's full of shit. If a random, anonymous Mumsnet poster suggests they set up a savings account without talking to the bank, then EVERYONE must do it that way.

Finances and savings are complicated, you silly dolt. There are loads of reasons that he could be talking to the bank about the account, yet you jump straight to him being a liar. Lovely stuff.

Original poster

Nighowl · 21/01/2019 15:08

He has now said he wanted the account to be able to buy stuff for me and the kids without me seeing it go out.... he’s really pissed off with me for questioning it and I’m stsrting to feel bad about it all... maybe it was totally innocent... just don’t understand why he didn’t say that straight away or even beforehand.... he’s told me to put it all in my name, has got very annoyed about it 😬

OP posts:

Troels · 21/01/2019 15:35

If things are that rocky I'd take what he's said with a pinch of salt. He could withdraw cash to buy presents, just call the bank and ask them about the appointment stating that you don't agree to any money being transfered out of the joint accounts to a single name account without permission from both of you. Either that or transfer half you your account anyway.
Have you looked at the balance?

Deprivedandsad · 21/01/2019 15:37

You can open a savings account online, nobody needs an appointment at the bank to do so.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 21/01/2019 15:57

My exh opened a catalogue account. To apparently treat me and dc.
Like fuck was it - it was for him.
And he didn't make the payments.
He was chucked out and left to pay his own fucking debt.
He is lying op. Trying to make you feel shit for being suspicious.
He is pissed he has been sprung.

Auntiepatricia · 21/01/2019 16:24

Think OP, Think!

He wants a secret account to buy you and the kids (why do kids gifts need to be secret????) gifts.

Or he needs a secret account to

squirrel away money
hide new money
purchase gifts for girlfriend
pay for escorts or paid porn
pay for another phone without you knowing

Hidingtonothing · 21/01/2019 16:33

Agree with Auntie, sorry OP

EhlanaOfElenia · 21/01/2019 16:36

What a deflection! He's looking like Teflon man, nothing sticks....

Are you seriously buying this? Do you really think he would be so pissed off if he wasn't doing anything suspicious?!

Get yourself an account as well, you're going to need it....

SittingAround1 · 21/01/2019 16:44

Yes sounds very suspicious. I don't think people especially men make appointments at the bank just to sort out accounts so they can hide buying presents for their own family.
How many presents does he buy you in general and surely you're both aware of what is spent on the children.
Do you have your own bank account and savings ?

SittingAround1 · 21/01/2019 16:50

In fact he doesn't sound very bright. He should have given you a boring answer along the lines of 'checking we're getting the best interest rates/ getting maximum tax free savings' or something along those lines.

His answer sounds a bit panicked and just telling you what you want to hear.

Wrybread · 21/01/2019 16:53

I agree with auntie as well.

And if he thinks it's ridiculous for you to set up an account, then I really think you should. Because he doesn't think it ridiculous for him to do that. And that shows you that he doesn't think you deserve the same as him.

He's doing a classic DARVO on you.

Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Order.

And that tells me that he's hiding something

Fontofnoknowledge · 21/01/2019 17:03

Classic !

Caught with his proverbial pants down trying to squirrel funds away for himself incase/in preparation for a split. Now he is employing the oldest trick in the book of pretending it was because he wanted to 'buy you secret presents' 🤣 and guilt tripping you into 'feeling bad for thinking ill of him ' (with the Brucie bonus of shutting you up from asking further annoying questions)

Do not be a fool OP. You have had a huge warning in ten foot highletters. Set up a savings account in your own name online and transfer HALF into it pronto. He is at liberty to do the same.
Difference is. You are protected.

Orangecake123 · 21/01/2019 17:08

Take 50% now just in case OP.

Original poster

Nighowl · 21/01/2019 17:31

To all those saying take 50% now..... imagine the backlash of that in an already rocky relationship... I don’t think we’d come back from that.... nothing has gone from the account so I’m wondering if maybe he was going for financial advice of what would happen if we did split??? I can’t think why else, I really don’t think he’s the type to leave me in the lurch.... however he always sees money as his side of the relationship and doesnt think it necessary to run things by me money wise, which I have been saying has to change .... but why the secrets??? Going to try and talk it through properly tonight....

OP posts:

HeebieJeebies456 · 21/01/2019 20:11

If your relationship is rocky then it makes even more sense to move half the money into your own account.
He's already taking steps to be financially independent - the excuses he's giving you are all bollocks and you're a fool to ignore this.

Maybe it's time to officially end things and this is exactly the right time to have that conversation?
Half those savings are yours so i see no reason for 'backlash'........maybe the ensuing 'discussion' will open your eyes........

Or just leave it there and risk him taking it.
It's you who has to live with the consequences not us.

Original poster

Nighowl · 21/01/2019 21:39

Well that went well 😔 after further discussions the account is for him. He earns his wages I earn mine as long as the bills are paid there’s no problem. It’s clear he thinks I’m nuts and has managed to twist this whole thing around to me being a nagging argumentative wife.... I keep giving it one last shot ( after 17 mostly happy years... just the last two that’s been bad) but I’m struggling right now...

OP posts:

SanFranBear · 21/01/2019 21:47

Why now then, after 17 years, is the joint account no longer working? This sounds worse ever update... sorry, Nighowl

Original poster

Nighowl · 21/01/2019 21:51

It does doesn’t it 🙁 when we are discussing it he somehow manages to make me feel foolish for even questioning it which is why I posted here for an outside perspective....

OP posts:

MrHaroldFry · 21/01/2019 21:59

You are not foolish to question this. You would be foolish to ignore the advice given here. Take 50% of the money and move it to your personal a/c. You can always move it back is six months/a year if you are content with how things are.

In addition I would start to squirrel away anything you can spare weekly/monthly in cash to ensure you have an emergency fund should you need it.

Highonthehill · 21/01/2019 21:59

Me and dh have 4 accounts, 2 joint (household bills and food/petrol) and then one each for our own personal spending which wages get paid into.
Does his wages get paid into a joint account or his own. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to have your own accounts for wages and then joint ones for household expenses that you can both see.

However, he didn't tell you about the appointment and wasn't intending too... that is odd as he effectively wanted a secret bank account unless you notice that his wages weren't going into the normal account anymore.

He is upset that he has been found out maybe?

Someone said earlier, communication is key in a relationship, if you can't communicate effectively then you will both cast aspersions and doubt the validity of each other's words therefore losing the no.1 part of a relationship...trust.

If you want to stay together you need to work on talking to each other properly, all couples have arguments but it's the aftermath that makes the difference.

Original poster

Nighowl · 21/01/2019 22:12

High on thehill this is exactly my point! I have no problem with him wanting his own account it’s the fact that he didn’t feel he should mention it and his reaction to being asked. I have said very recently he needs to be more open and discuss financial matters with me but his thinking is that I shouldn’t worry about it....

OP posts:

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