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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed with DH?

30 replies

daisydaresya · 14/01/2019 13:33

Please tell me if iabu

My husband and I were bickering this morning and he said to me “you always want your own way and you’ve always got an opinion on everything.”

This has pissed me right off. I’m not mouthy or particularly bolshy - but I do speak my mind where I feel it’s needed.

I feel really aggrieved that he’s said I always get my own way as when it’s come to big life decisions we’ve always gone with what he wants. For example, I’m a practising catholic and he is atheist so when it came to getting married he said he would never get married in the Catholic Church so we married in a registry office. He said he’d never send our DDs to a catholic school so they’re at a non denominational school. We live in a large town next to a major UK city and when it came to moving house he would only live in certain areas so we’re living where he wanted to live.

I wouldn’t say I’m a pushover but I realise that there’s got to be compromise and a bit of give and take. I’m also not perfect btw but I definitely don’t get my own way and I’m pretty bloody angry that he said that. Its like a lightbulb moment where I’ve realised that HE has got his own way with the important decisions Confused

I’m probably being unreasonable but I just feel an anger starting to slowly burn Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
daisydaresya · 14/01/2019 13:34

I also work full time (I have a good job which I enjoy) and he’s said to me before that I am money hungry.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 13:37

This is one of those threads where without a really long list of all decisions it's hard to be fair. For example, it may depend on what the reasons were for only wanting to live in certain areas (ie, commuting distance, better schools). And religion can be a very personal thing, too. I must admit, I have many reasons for having issues with the Catholic church and while I obviously would respect a partner's belief and attendance, there's no way I would marry in a Catholic ceremony or would want my kids (if I had any) to attend a Catholic school or church - what they CHOOSE to do themselves when they are old enough is fine and good.

Hazlenutpie · 14/01/2019 13:39

I would write that same list and present it to him to read and enjoy.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 14/01/2019 13:40

Yes I’m with Shatner’s here. Not saying your husband is right, and not saying you’re not wrong to be annoyed with him. I would be really annoyed if my DH said that, even though it’s probably true in my case.

Original poster
daisydaresya · 14/01/2019 13:40

@shatnerswig

I agree with what you’ve said but I’ve always gone with his decision. If I even stated my opinion on the things I listed before he wouldn’t even let me finish my sentence so I just didn’t bother.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 13:42

If I even stated my opinion on the things I listed before he wouldn’t even let me finish my sentence so I just didn’t bother

Some might call that a bit of a drip feed. And somewhat at odds with you saying "I'm not a pushover".

Original poster
daisydaresya · 14/01/2019 13:44

Is it a dripfeed? Well that’s what happens.

Maybe I am a pushover then!

OP posts:
frustratedashell · 14/01/2019 13:45

Sorry OP but he sounds like a controlling bully

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 13:46

In the sense that had you mentioned that to start with, I probably would have said of course he's being unreasonable, as I suspect would Diana.

Original poster
daisydaresya · 14/01/2019 13:48

The crux of it is that I can’t be arsed being accused of always wanting things my own way when it’s patently not true.

OP posts:
Knittink · 14/01/2019 13:51

It strikes me that a man who says to his wife "You've always got an opinion on everything" probably does so because he secretly thinks that women shouldn't really have opinions, or that their opinions aren't valid. I expect he has opinions on everything too (as do most people), but I doubt he'd think that was something he should be criticised for.

Original poster
daisydaresya · 14/01/2019 13:56

@knittink

I agree with you. I’ve told him before that if he wanted someone with zero opinions then he should have married someone else. That being said, it’s not like question time in my house every night Grin

In response to @shatnerswig about the drip feed. I think sometimes you post something and then sit back and think more deeply about things and realise that you may not have included everything in your original post as it can be a bit of brain dump/stream of consciousness.

In that vain, I’m reminded that i refused to go on holiday to a place we’d been before and I HATED. He quite liked it but I said I wouldn’t spend thousands of pounds returning there. He still brings it up!!! 🙈

OP posts:
StressedToTheMaxx · 14/01/2019 13:57

Op I understand you 100%
My dp and I are/were in the same situation.
I make all the day to day decisions as I am a sahm.
I made a decision to put dc to bed early and he didn't like and he called me controlling. I was trying to stop the children from seeing family. No it's 9pm it's bedtime.
A switched flicked and I called him out on facts
Dp is Catholic so are the children.
Dp picked the schools & nursery
Dp picked first dcs name and
I wanted to hypinate our second names for dc he said no
I asked if dc could have a specific middle name. He said no.

We do the main day to day graft. We know the Schedual. That is why we make the decisions.
Everytime he started to dictate I would polity point it out.
We are 1 year on and I would say for the most part it worked
But it is exhausting having to a) fight to have an opinion and b) have your opinion heared

DontCallMeCharlotte · 14/01/2019 14:05

I feel really aggrieved that he’s said I always get my own way as when it’s come to big life decisions we’ve always gone with what he wants. For example, I’m a practising catholic and he is atheist so when it came to getting married he said he would never get married in the Catholic Church so we married in a registry office. He said he’d never send our DDs to a catholic school so they’re at a non denominational school. We live in a large town next to a major UK city and when it came to moving house he would only live in certain areas so we’re living where he wanted to live.

And did you tell him this? Or is this where he cut you off?

userschmoozer · 14/01/2019 14:07

“you always want your own way and you’ve always got an opinion on everything.”

He always gets his own way and doesn't think you should discuss anything. That does sound controlling.

DarlingNikita · 14/01/2019 14:08

he’s said to me before that I am money hungry.
What a nasty thing to say.

Floralhousecoat · 14/01/2019 14:10

He is erasing you bit by bit op. You are scared to express opinions or disagree with him. He has done an expert job of manipulating and gaslighting you. It's time to call him out on it.

museumum · 14/01/2019 14:15

I've got an opinion on every part of my life. Why not? I often compromise or even give up my preference completely but I bloody do have an opinion, why wouldn't I? who wouldn't?

ladybee28 · 14/01/2019 14:25

I'm maybe in the minority here but without knowing your relationship, I wonder if it's worth asking him more about why he feels that way?

You have your list of ways he's got his own way – I wonder if he also has one? Or if it's a misdirected expression of him feeling powerless somewhere else in his life, that came out at you instead?

I wonder if that came out as a not-very-well-thought-out burst of emotion that's been building over time? Whether or not it's true, could he be feeling unheard and unseen somehow, in a way you can't see from your angle?

'Absolute' statements like that (you always, you never, etc.) often get our backs up against a wall and make us make lists of defenses and 'proofs' like yours to prove them wrong, AND part of a relationship is about accepting that we don't have crystal balls and we don't usually know what it's like to be in a relationship with ourselves.

I'm not saying he's right and you're wrong, and I'm not saying your experience isn't real – I'm just wondering if it's worth trying to find out where that stuff came from.

Otherwise all that's available to you is more 'who's right' and 'who's wrong' and 'who's good' and 'who's bad', and none of that is true or conducive to a healthy relationship.

Floralhousecoat · 14/01/2019 14:26

Museum is right. Why shouldn't you have an opinion? Don't let him shut you up op. Become MORE vocal. Become MORE visible. Stop treading on eggshells. Ruffle his feathers.

blackteasplease · 14/01/2019 15:17

It strikes me that a man who says to his wife "You've always got an opinion on everything" probably does so because he secretly thinks that women shouldn't really have opinions, or that their opinions aren't valid. I expect he has opinions on everything too (as do most people), but I doubt he'd think that was something he should be criticised for.

^^

This is what I was going to say. Why shouldn't you have an opinion? Is his the only one that counts?

Badstyley · 14/01/2019 15:30

Well yes, one would expect you to have an opinion, and money hungry? I bet he’d soon throw it back in your face if you didn’t work and relied on him financially.

He sounds like a man who is threatened by strong women.

LongWalkShortPlank · 14/01/2019 15:35

What he really meant was you don't automatically agree with what HE thinks.

7yo7yo · 14/01/2019 15:39

I think @Floralhousecoat has it spot on.
He is erasing you bit by bit.
Slowly you’ll stop “arguing” with his decisions.
He’ll be in control.
You’ll have kids then he’ll use “his” money to control you. You’ll be right where he wants you.

icannotremember · 14/01/2019 15:43

DH would say those things about me too, and he'd be right. I do always have an opinion, and when he wants to do things a different way to me, I do want my way to win out! That's not to say I insist that we do things my way- it's pretty even really when it comes to who compromises- but of course I'd like things to go my way every time.

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