Exh and 2 ds 10 & 12 WWYD?

[mrshectic]

Without a massive rant and going on too much.......my exH who has our 3 dc every other wkend and half holidays is still allowing our 2 d's, 10 and 12, watch highly inappropriate films. He has done this before and I got very cross about it. Previous films were Deadpool, suicide squad and a couple of others (they were 9 and 10 at the time). He recently got Deadpool 2 for them to watch.

AIBU to be furious that he is doing this, then telling them to not tell me as they will get them all into trouble? Or do you think (as some told me previously) that I shouldn't be trying to 'control' what he does in his time? Because to me, this is neglectful behaviour. But I'm sure I'll get flamed for saying that.

He’s their father to and he is ok with them watching those films then you have to just accept it.

Those films obviously aren’t age appropriate but they’re not that bad - theyre still comic book films at the end of the day.

There’s absolutely nothing about him letting them watch films you disagree with and him harming your children. Its not great parenting but its not the worst.

I wouldn't like that at all, but I'm not sure there is much you can do about it?

My exh allowed ds 14 to smoke weed in his house!! I reported to the police. Not much to do about films, but ime dc reach an age when they decide which parent is actually the parent. And their focus will turn to that one.
You can only control what happens in your time with the dc unfortunately.

I understand that there isn't much I can do, and yes he is their Father and should be able to judge whether they are appropriate fiilms. But....Having seen the films myself, there is no way anyone can possibly say they are a suitable for a child under the age of 15. But I know people will justt say that's my opinion.

My main concern is his encouragement to our children to lie to me about it. Saying things such as..if your Mum finds out we will all be in trouble...you'd be surprised mate she can find things out.... Hees constantly undermindiing me to them and making me out to be the bad guy. No wonder my eldest has massive issues with me.

It sounds as if he is putting himself into the role of "fun, cool big brother/cousin/uncle" and pushing you into the role of "fun police", and it may be a while (maddeningly) before they have the maturity to get wise to this. But even DS10, in his heart of hearts, knows who the real parent is. "You'll get me into trouble" sounds more like one sibling pleading with another, being on the fun buddy level.
How would he feel about a longer stint of real parenting, with all the boring "have you brushed your teeth/done your homework/got clean clothes/arrived at school on time?" I suspect that the Disney Dad façade would soon slip if he had the grind of daily grunt work.
Your eldest probably has massive issues with you because he senses this conflict; deep down, he probably knows you're right, but how tempting to side with the indulgent, feckless parent who doesn't have to pick up the consequences?
Without badmouthing him to your DS (tempting!) you could try explaining things to him; "I know you'd like to stay up until all hours (or whatever the fun thing is) but we can't really do that unless it's holiday time. I care about you being well and happy, and I want you to be in good shape for school" Make it a positive thing that you are the responsible parent trying your best to do the right, responsible things, because you care about their welfare in the long term.

twoshedsjackson Thankyou and yes this is exactly what I feel is happening. I do try to keep any conversation I have with them to what you suggest. It just gets so tiring at times. But I feel it will drag on for many years yet...even so, I will do my best to keep calm and continue to do my best as to what I feel will be better for them in the long run, and remember what you have said.
X

I'm seeing this as positive in the fact that they are confident telling you they are doing something they know you don't agree with (especially after being told not to tell you by their other parent) shows they respect you enough and feel secure enough to be open and honest with you and bodes well for peer pressure etc in teenage years...

unless I am reading this totally wrong and they are actually using it to play you off against each other, in which case you have my complete sympathy as that is a shitty situation and I don't know what advice to give.