to send DS to something he doesn't want to do?

[ClarabellaCTL]

DS1 (9) has been playing violin for 2 years. He asked to start it after they had a music day in school. He has a weekly lesson at school and is pretty good about practicing at home (as long as I remind him!) He's had ups and downs of enjoying it, usually goes off it a bit when he moves on to a harder piece of music but then loves it again when he gets the hang of it. His teacher runs a junior string ensemble which she's been asking him to join for ages now but he wasn't that keen. However, he sat his first exam (Grade 1) and got a distinction - she rang me and said he's doing really well and the ensemble would be great for him so we agreed he'd go and try it. It's only every 2 weeks in term time for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning. He went to try it out this weekend and really didn't like it. He's really quite shy and he didn't know anyone, he's having a confidence slump in his playing because he's moved on to Grade 2 pieces and he's finding them understandably difficult. I think this ensemble will be good for him, not just the violin playing (I'm not pushy or desperate for him to excel, I want him to enjoy it) but I think the experience of doing something with new people that's a bit out of his comfort zone will be good for him. He's just such a sensitive little guy, I don't want him sitting there on the verge of tears wishing I'd come and pick him up! My gut feel is we tell him to try it for a term (which is actually only 4 sessions) and then take a view on it. I don't want to force him though - WWYD?

Does he get anxiety around 'failing' or not being good enough, or is it because it happens in front of other people?

Violin is an orchestral instrument. To advance he needs to learn to play alongside others, to follow a conductor etc. Send him, he’ll get used to it and it will help overcome his shyness.

Does he have the ensemble music to practice?
I played an instrument which I loved, but I hated playing in the school orchestra because we weren't allowed to take the music home, and I wasn't good enough to just sight read it each week.
If he hadn't seen the music before, didn't know anyone I can understand him being reluctant to continue. I would try and make sure he at least has the music to look at, and definitely send him again a couple more times so that he has a chance to get to know the others.

OP, my first instinct was to say if he is not enjoying it then he should stop. But what you say about his shyness and lack of confidence makes me think you have a point. Agree with him to try it for a term and then let him (not you) make a decision.

Thank you, he's got the music home with him so I'll help him practice before the next one and hopefully he'll feel a bit better about it. He is a perfectionist and he hates making mistakes, and feeling like he's messing up in front of others.

Orchestra will be very good for him - send him.

My 14 yo twins started playing the violin in year 2. They were invited to play in the ensemble too and resisted for ages because they are very quiet. Eventually I persuaded them to go for a session and see and they've been going ever since.

I'd definitely encourage him to try it. It's great getting them used to playing with a group. And when they joined secondary school they were keen to join in with the music groups there and last year went on a school music tour to Germany.

What I'd say is to have one challenge at a time.
If he's finding the Grade 2 pieces difficult, I'd let him find his feet with those first before attempting to join the ensemble.
When attempting or joining the ensemble, I'd agree to give it a few tries (say, a month) before deciding if he likes it or not. And I'd liaise with the leader/teacher to ensure he is presented to people individually (as much as possible), or at least to a few with whom he may find some common ground.

Is the orchestra playing pieces within his range of ability? As it is awful to feel that you're struggling with something and letting a group down. I agree that it would be good for him in principle though.

Can you speak to his violin teacher and tell him everything you just wrote here? She may be able to give him some extra encouragement and assure him that he is doing well, to help get him over the tricky hump.

I think forcing him could turn him off the instrument but the experience could be really good for him if handled sensitively.

Take him there; it will be good for him in the end. Good luck

If I was your DS and you my DM I would agree for the try for a term to see .

Best of luck anyway OP , whatever your boy decides.

Can he take the ensemble music along to his normal lessons for a bit of help/reassurance from his teacher? She might be able to tell him for example that everyone struggles with a particularly tricky part but here's how to practice it.

In my experience as a very amateur violin player fudging it when you're not sure is a very important ensemble skill that you learn through experience. You don't need to get it right first time or ever. I'm pretty laid back so it never bothered me but if he got a distinction in his grade 1 (well done!) he sounds like a bit of a perfectionist and it might do him good to find out it that the musical world won't fall around his ears if he's not perfect every time

Playing in a band /orchestra is awful at first because you don't have the faintest clue where you are in the music, what the conductor means when s/he says 'let's go from bar 5' or whatever, and keeping time feels impossible! Everyone feels like that at first though. Make sure he knows that - he needs to give it a couple of months before he's allowed to hate it. If he knows it's totally normal to feel like you don't know what the fuck you're doing he might feel better about it.

Mookatron thank you, what a perfect way to put it!
If he knows it's totally normal to feel like you don't know what the fuck you're doing he might feel better about it.

Oh good! You don't need to have the sweary bit . Of course on top of the musical stuff you have to get to grips with, there's the social stuff too, so honestly one session is going to tell him nothing. Definitely a worthwhile thing to persist with though, teaches you so many skills. Good luck Clarabella's DS!

Yabu imo. I’ve never sent my kids to anything extra curricular that they haven’t wanted to go to aside from swimming as that was non negotiable imo.
They do a range of things now. 1 plays an instrument to a very high standard and one plays a sport at a high level. They also do guides and go to a children’s writing club. They are keen to do these things and excel in them but on the way they’ve tried and rejected: a different instrument, dance, drama, martial arts and probably more that I’ve forgotten.
I’d ask your son if he wants to give it a go for one more week and if he says no I’d respect it. He can always change his mind at a later date. There’s nothing worse imo than seeing obviously upset kids forced to go to groups. They get little out of it and I can never understand why parents think it’s a productive way to spend money. I’d also be concerned that being too pushy would take the joy away for him and may make him want to give up the instrument altogether which would be a real shame.

I’d also be concerned that being too pushy would take the joy away for him and may make him want to give up the instrument altogether which would be a real shame. I agree FuckingYuleLog, that's what I want to avoid. He's agreed to go back next time (a bit reluctantly but he's willing to try, we're not forcing him) so fingers crossed he has a better experience this time.