My family relies on me too much, and I feel used!

[olleh]

I'm here to rant and rage, so I'm sorry guys, I just need an outlet and someone to talk to.

My mum whom is 74 and have had a lot of gp and hospital appointments for the past year now. These have been for diabetes, high blood pressure, and stomach trouble such as ulcers and discomfort due to all the medication she needs to take. She's now had a test recently and found out that she has a polyp that needs removing. She doesn't live alone which is good, but sometimes it seems as if she's alone with all the phone calls I get for me to drop everything to do what my family can do. My mum lives with two of my older brothers and a cousin. Just to let you know my mum's first language isn't English so she needs help with that too. My brother's like me were born in the UK but my cousin up until over 25yrs ago was raised in my mum's country, but her English is good, and unfortunately claims she can't speak English well which is a load of tosh. Now, up until a couple of hours ago I get a phone call from my mum asking me to go with her to a hospital appointment on Wednesday morning. I say sure what time, she says well... You will most likely have to stay the night as we need to get there at 7am. I don't have a car and I live 25mins away by train. I also have a 9yr old daughter whom needs to get in to school before 8:30am. My partner starts work at 5am and after Xmas, work have suddenly gone mad and he's been working 12-13 hr days. So to arrange me going to the appointment, dp would prob need take a half day which isn't ideal, or call dp's dad to come by early get my daughter ready and take her to school or my daughter could stay over at her granddad's which is 30-45mins away by car depending on traffic. OR to make it easier for everyone my brother who lives with my mum and only lives 10-15mins away by tube from the hospital, he could take her himself! The reason why my brother says he can't take her is because he has dialysis the previous afternoon and wont get back til 11 or 12pm. He doesn't believe he will get enough sleep to wake up at 5ish, get ready and get my mum to her appointment. By the way the appointment is to remove the polyp.

Am I being completely unreasonable?! I have suggested that maybe my cousin can take my mum, and work will need to understand its important. My other brother is a little difficult as he grew up speaking mostly English and my mum would need someone to help translation which my older brother and I can. This is the first time I have said I can't help with something as important as this and I feel because they have always relied on me to do anything, I have disappointed them. My dp said he could rearrange his day to take our daughter to school but honestly I don't want him to. I don't want to drop everything and rearrange my life at short notice just so my brorher can sleep in while i run around travel further than he has to to do something he can easily do.

Good for you op.
It’s difficult being the one everyone turns to aka the dogs body.
Say no, give a reason such as DPs work then when it suits you and your family take her and if it doesn’t, don’t.
Are you from a non British culture? I ask as it sounds familiar to some of the things my friends from different cultures tell me in relation to the different expectations from men and women.

I'm sorry, but it does sound to me as though there is no ideal solution here. Dialysis is not nothing and if your brother doesn't get home from it until midnight, I can see why he doesn't want to be responsible for your mother at 5am the next day. I don't know who it's most reasonable to ask, but from what you've said, I don't think it's easy for any of you.

I think it's unfortunate that this is the straw that broke the camel's back appointment! To me, it does seem that your family is using you...but not your brother in this particular case.

Your brother has dialysis and late return home, a 5 am start would probably be really tough for him. Your cousin could probably help more and is maybe being a bit cheeky. The thing is, this isn't a routine blood pressure or diabetes appointment. Your mum would probably be more comfortable with one of her children being there.

You have a responsibility to your DD, to get her to school etc. Does your mum have a close friend that could accompany her to hospital? Maybe they could take a taxi there. You could then visit your mum later in the day.

I think your mum needs to extend her support network AND start understanding that you can't be (and shouldn't be expected to be) there for every appointment.

Some people don't have kids and they manage.
Some people's kids live far away and can't get overly involved due to logistics and timezones.
Some kids.. you know, work!

Ask yourself what they would do if you were at work (most people just can't drop commitments to continuously support family members through all their own medical appointments too). They would cope.

You need to protect and prioritise your own daughter and husband here. You've given more than most daughters would, or could!

Don't push it onto your brother, it's not his duty unless he feels he can/wants to.

How your parents solve their problems is up to them. You can support them but not at such a cost and burden on you!!

My heritage is non British and my mum's only daughter. I do find she poss feels more comfortable asking for my help too. My brother does have a temper and easily shows his annoyance

Thank you all for understanding and showing support to my difficult dilemma. I understand my brother can feel exhausted after dialysis but he doesn't help himself by staying up until the early hours of the morning at times. My mum doesn't really have any close friends near by and I do think she would prefer one of her own kids to go with her. However, as all of you know that I do have my own little family to support and take care of, and as Alisonw1982 pointed out, what if I worked? I am currently looking for a part-time job and at times I have put off getting work over the years because I worried what would my family (mostly mum) do if they needed me?!

From when my mum called me this evening and after i spoke to my brother I was angry at first then angry/guilty, now mostly just guilt. I did say to him if he could take our mum in in the morning. Then as soon as I dropped off my dd I'll get to the hospital to take over. Even that didn't make him happy as he still sounded like he wanted me to drop everything and take the responsibility. He just said yeah maybe, fine I'll do it then and hung up without handing the phone back to my mum.

I feel manipulated by my brother and its something I don't tolerate these days, but the responsibility to my mother and guilt for not going will prob send me to a hospital with stress and worry!

Andro, don't worry most of what you said is right so please lower your cushion. My cousin is more than capable but she's such a ditz my mum is worried she'll make a mistake with the translations.

Ignore your brother’s tantrum. He said he’ll do it. Let him take your mum to the hospital and after you drop your dd you can then head to the hospital too.

Don’t let it become a habit of every app falling on you as it will become expected. If your cousin and brothers are living with your mum they should be expected to pull their weight too

I think you are about to be "eaten alive", you need to learn to say no.
In this case perhaps your cousin could accompany your dm by taxi? I think you need to cut down your help on the "small" appointments and be available when it really matters.
BUT things won't get easier, your dm is getting older, so you need to teach your brothers to step up. Furthermore you should look into any help you can get for your dm. I'm not in UK, but try and have a look on this thread "The new shiny 2019 thread for anyone caring for elderly parents". They know all the ins and out of getting help.
You need to take care of your own family. Of course you should help out your dm, but please learn to delegate despite the guilt.
Good luck 😀.

I think it's time for a firm conversation setting very clear boundaries. You need to draw a picture with you, your husband and daughter in one circle as your first priority, then another around it with your mother in it, then one more with your brothers and your cousin in it. They are the third tier of priorities. You need to explain to them that they need to step up, the inherent sexism is over, and your mother's name-calling is stopping also. You have a responsibility to your immediate family first, your mother second, then to them. You have no car, limited time, limited money and they live with your mother, owe her first, etc. You are pulling back from their emotional demands and are going to be prioritising as per the diagram.

Oh, and the limited English thing? Bullshit. Especially in hospitals. They need to sort that shit out. They have iPhones, I take it. There is always google translate. Between health professionals and phones, there are always ways to communicate the important information.

And yes, your brother is tired, but the others need to step up and he needs to sort out his own sleeping pattern also.

Why would stress and worry send you to a hospital? That's what your GP is for.

I would consider asking your dm if her appointment can be rearranged. Although given the current situation, I think it would probably be best for your dh to rearrange his day. That way you can accompany your dm.

I get how draining it is being the one who has to help with everything, however it seems other than your cousin, you are the person best placed to help your dm. Your dm will be nervous and worried about the possibility of bowel cancer. It is a very private procedure and not one your dm would likely feel comfortable discussing with your cousin or your db’s. Likewise your dB is seriously ill with kidney disease, so will be exhausted.

It is crappy, I know and it’s not fair that it falls on you. Although if it’s important hospital appointments, I would suck it up and go with your DM.

I would however look into whether your dm could access patient transport. I would contact your local advocacy service and enquire about a translator who could accompany your DM to non serious appointments.

I am severely disabled and unfortunately unable to help/ accompany my dp who are both very unwell. It is very frustrating not being able to help. My gem of a dh has taken on my role. He gets frustrated as I have two db’s who are not as helpful as they could be.

My dm is in her early 60’s yet very severely ill due to diabetes, obesity, fibromyalgia, as well as advanced kidney disease, near blindness due to her diabetes and many other conditions. She is not long for this world if I am being honest. Neither is my df, who has survived several massive heart attacks, a quadruple bypass, sepsis, chronic pulmonary lung disease and possible bowel cancer (he had a polyp removed from his colon which has been sent to the lab). l have awful guilt that it’s not me helping them , whilst being annoyed that it’s dh that is expected to drop everything to help. But then I remember the fact that they likely will not be with us much longer...

You have my sympathies op, it a difficult situation and a difficult dilemma to solve. I would perhaps aim to accompany my dm to any personal appointments that she may not feel comfortable sharing with your dB/ dc. Then have a chat with your db’s and dc about more fairness in supporting your DM.

I have experience of MiL and SiL behaving like this and expecting DH to drop everything and run around for everyone when his sister and brother do exactly what they want to do (very little really other than watching soaps). My DH has endless calls and is asked to put his birth family before his own family and solve everyone's problems.
I urge him to put his foot down and whilst he is feeling guilty I'm starting to see him handling things better and his family of cfs slowly reducing the cf requests

Justilou1 Just to let you know I wasn't name calling my mum, it was directed at my cousin.

She's so clumsy and witless I wonder at times if she does it on purpose, so she can escape any responsibility. Let me give you an example; there was a time we went to visit her parents overseas and she brought a hairdryer to use from back home, but the plug sockets are different there and claimed because she's been living in the UK for so long she had forgotten the type of sockets used, so I begrudgingly lent her my plug adapter. Another time, we needed to buy a train ticket to her parents but said she didn't know how to buy one from the ticket machines, so I had a look, bearing in mind I didn't know how to read the language and found an English alternative button and found the station that sounded similar to what she had been told. Look, I get it, she may have some confidence issues, and becomes flustered when not sure of something( i can too). However, all she seems to do is eat, sleep, and pays little rent at my mum's, at least she could volunteer to help. It's frustrating as she's nearly 49 and had been living in the UK since 18yrs old, and works somewhere where English is needed.

I strayed off the path a bit, oops but its just to let you guys understand a little more about how hair-pullingly frustrating it is!

I have lived in a country not if my culture also, OP. It’s difficult. Unfortunately you seem to be the only one expected to live with a foot in each world. It’s not really working for you or them, and frankly, your cousin sounds like a lazy twit who needs to start earning her keep! Your tolerance has enabled her behaviour for far too long!!!

Well, if you actually said No, I suspect someone will have to step up to the plate. You’ve got 3 adult family members living in the same house as your mum - grow a backbone and say No.

Taxi and phone interpreting service which is provided by most NHS hospital trusts if you prebook it.

You should not be expected to be there for EVERY appointment!

Most hospitals can arrange a translator by phone if given notice beforehand so the language issue is bullshit.

I think you are going to have to be strong and book your mum a cab for 7 am and tell her you will be along to the hospital when you have dropped your daughter off at school, which is reasonable. Your mum must know enough English to get by for a couple of hours until you get there.

OP , i umnderstand what it's like given the cultural/language aspects.
All the adults - including your mum - are cpabna;e of transporting themsaelves to the hopistal and finding where they need to go.
Your mum can take a taxi there on this occasion.
In future let the other two adults share this task too.

My cousin is more than capable but she's such a ditz my mum is worried she'll make a mistake with the translations
Your mum should be requesting an interpreter for her appiontments, even with a companion there.
My mum can understand english better than she can speak it, she has an interpreter translating for her during any major apointments.
It takes pressure off the companion....my siblings and I are more fluent in english than we are in our mother tongue

This is really tricky but aside from this situation I wouldn't put off a part time job. In fact up would make it my priority to get one and that becomes a legitimate (not that you need one) reason to be unavilaible all the time.

The language barrier - agree with poster above - hospitals should have provision for this.

Thanks for all the support and advice everyone!

Here's an update:

I've had a chat with my mum about getting my cousin more involved as we as a family from when I was 11-12 yes old have helped her with so much over the decades and that it was about time she'd start pulling her weight, including a time I had to rearrange my life, dh's, and in-laws, so I could help her out when she herself had a few trips to the hospital for a medical issue! (Bearing in mind my dd was a toddler then and but now 9yrs) Also, for my cousin to stop using her crappy language barrier issue as a free pass from all grown up responsibilities.

However, how much of this manage to get through is a mystery. As now, the hospital procedure has changed to later in the morning on a Thursday, and my brother has also changed his dialysis day so he can take my DM and stay with her. But before I knew my brother had changed his dialysis day, I have since arranged the day so I can go on Thursday and Fil will pick my dd up from school and take her to her drama club... Oh but wait!... Here's the good bit(sarcasm) I phone my mum this evening to ask time, and place at the hospital but tells me I'm not needed anymore, my brother is taking her! I really do wonder if they realise how much organising, time and emotional energy was involved to do this for them!

I would now like to serve my divorce papers to my family

At least it proves they can organize themselves. You can't choose your family! for you. Take care of yourself and don't take on too much.