To want to drop new work friend/acquaintance

[HesterShaw21]

I met a woman who joined the company I work in about 3 months ago, she moved from a large UK city to a much smaller one. She works in a completely different team and building than I do, so we don't see each other for coffee breaks and lunches. I had dinner out with her a couple of times with some other work acquaintances.

But she's latched on to me because her rental is round the corner from my house, and she now keeps texting to meet up, have a coffee, visit her place for tea, go for a walk, get our nails done at a salon together. She's in her late 40s (I think), single and missing London badly; her family are overseas; has no car and spends a lot of time at home alone.

I just think that we don't have the same interests; I've got a family, and she's not a kid-/family-oriented person; she smokes, I don't; she hates dogs and I have one; she constantly complains about missing life in the big city.

She's asked me if I go to the gym, and could she ride in my car with me if she joined the same gym (as she has no car). Fortunately I don't have a gym membership or go to one.

Last week, she called me crying as the guy she was seeing had gotten a new girlfriend. I felt really awkward as she and I aren't really that close, and this is why I'm guessing she doesn't have many friends to call in a crisis.

I get that she's lonely and adjusting to life in a new place, and I do hope she finds other new friends she can have more of a connection with. AIBU to avoid her invitations and hope the friendship dies down? Should I talk to her frankly about the fact I don't think we'll really become best buddies?

Tricky one... I do feel her but equally from the way you've described it, it does sound like she is asking a lot. I wouldn't think about the long term future as to whether you'll be best mates or not... time will tell and you may be surprised. I'd just accept occasional invitations to things you want to do and which don't otherwise affect you, and then decline the others. If she is lonely, don't blank her completely if possible.

Run for the hills.
I was feeling a bit sorry for her, strange town, no friends and all that, but when she rings you crying about her boyfriend - that's a real warning sign. You don't need to be inviting someone else's shit into your life; you've probably got enough of your own.
Just tell her you're busy with family stuff. She'll soon latch on to someone else.

Whilst I get where you are coming from, how about putting yourself in her shoes? She has moved for whatever reason to somewhere she has no friends. It’s always difficult when you move but perhaps you can suggest some groups she could join? Or suggest somewhere she could volunteer to help make more friends. How would you like to be treated if you moved on your own somewhere you had no friend or family?

I think you're a bit mean to be honest, if it was me I'd invite her to join me & my family every now & then for dinner, & maybe think of some things I could take her too locally where she could meet new friends.

She sounds like she isn’t very good with social cues!

If youre busy, youre busy, but you do sound mean spirited.

Could you try to introduce her to people she might get on with? Got any other friends that might appreciate her?
I’d hate this too if I were in your position, but without partner, kids, extended family or dog.. imagine all the time she has to get lonely.
I don’t think you’re mean, but maybe put in a little effort into ‘operation palm-off’ - you could end up making two people’s lives a little happier.

I can see this from both sides. Her:-
Lonely
Needs a friend
Needs a confidant
You’ve become her ‘person she turns too’

You:-
Have a husband
Have your children
Have your own friends
Have your own life

She’s like a baby duck that has imprinted on you. You were the first person there so now you are stuck with her!

I think you should keep making excuses for meeting up etc, but maybe source some groups she could attend, the ones where you meet new people etc and pass the info on, apologising that your life is full already.

Thanks for all the responses.

About me being 'a bit mean spirited', I have invited her to join me and my family for dinner or told her when we plan to go out for lunch and tell her she's welcome to join us. Including Christ day when I knew she was alone (she declined). However she seems to prefer to meet with alone me so she can tell me about her ex etc.

I've also made plenty of suggestions for me and her to meet with other work acquaintances (who started the same time as her, also single women but much younger than 40s) and tried to set up lunches/dinners. But they've not happened as the others don't appear interested.

I cannot see any interests, eg camera club, book club, rowing club, running club, so far; otherwise I would have suggested them.

*Christmas day

While we all feel sorry for her, it does seem quite unfair that people think you should look after this grown woman when you have more than enough going on in your life!

HOwever, as she is new in the area, if I were you I would point her in the direction of the meet up groups website and encourage her to meet others. Every time she suggests something you will no doubt have an absolutely honest answer as to why you can't do it. Your lives are worlds apart.

She's an adult and must take some responsibility for herself at some point.

I don’t think you are mean spirited at all. One way of looking at it is that if you do encourage her to invest time in you, despite knowing that you can never have the close friendship She is searching for, then you are actively preventing her from spending this time developing other friendships which would prove more rewarding to her in the long term.

Mumsnet seems to have changed recently, a lot of replies are singularly lacking in kindness. Whatever the question some posters see it as an opportunity to be unpleasant in their replies. It’s not very edifying and will ultimately lead to people thinking twice before they post, making Mumsnet a far less interesting place! (I apologise for using your thread to get on my soap box to bang on about my pet hate.)

Could you look up some gym classes that you 'think would be a great way for her to meet new people' - they're not your cup of tea and you don't have the time with all your family commitments (get the excuse in early for not going too) but it struck you that she'd probably enjoy them and she could meet some new friends. If she comes up with reasons for not going then ask her directly what she'd enjoy, being careful to say that you'd do stuff with her ONLY you don't have the time (poor me, family take all my time, it must be lovely having all that free time etc.) - say that if she comes up with ideas you could keep an eye out for opportunities for her (i.e. spend a couple of hours on the internet desperately searching!). It makes you sound like a decent friend without committing you to a single thing and might find her things to do and places to meet real friends - win, win.

Tough one. You aren’t responsible for her yet your instinct is to try to be kind. She, however, is taking the easy option for friendship and doing little to widen her social circle.

Unless you’re happy to have an awkward conversation, the only thing you can do is politely decline her requests. What she does then is up to her.

However, if you did feel able to say ‘Look, I enjoy the odd meet up but I am often busy with family stuff, I’ll message you when I’m free’ and DO that, just not immediately, maybe after a couple of weeks. Keep the contact but on your terms.

Why aren't the others interested in being friends with her, is it just her age?

If it's her age, then thays a shame. She needs to go the gym by herself and see if she can make friends there.

It is nigh on impossible to make friends as a single Woman over 40.

But she doesn't just want a friend, she wants someone at the same life stage, which is her responsibility to find.

Should I talk to her frankly about the fact I don't think we'll really become best buddies?

I wouldn't. Especially because it's a work colleague. Just keep making excuses. Hopefully she'll get the message soon

I don't think you're being mean spirited at all. It's not your responsibility to arrange her social life for her. She moved from London to a smaller city, and I expect that does take some adjusting to (and vice versa) but it's not like she's an eight year old who moved house with her parents and needs a little help finding her feet. There's nothing to stop her joining clubs, a gym, a choir, a library reading group, whatever, by herself. She chose to move, whatever her reasons where. I'd certainly be up to keeping her company when it suits you and fits around your family life, but if it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit and you don't need to feel bad about that.

Tough one. I have had a similar situation at work and in a club I’m a member of. I just deal with it by being a bit unavailable, ie not calling or texting back immediately. I’d be friendly and continue to invite her to group stuff and go for the occasional coffee if you have time but keep her at arms length. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

where? WERE!!! Goshdarnit, I thought i'd caught all my spelling mistakes...

You're not mean spirited. I don't see why you need to pander to her or find groups for her to attend. Presumably she can use Google herself? She sounds like she wants a special one on one relationship which you simply don't have time for. She needs to understand that you have commitments. You're not being nasty, OP.

Ease yourself out of this relationship. However lonely this woman is she is not your responsibility. She can make the effort to join something she can get to by public transport.