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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think if a man tells you this, it's your own fault?

18 replies

nosympathyhere · 13/01/2019 22:14

I have a friend who's met a guy, she's in love and I get it. She's seeing everything through rose tinted glasses. Bit of background here, she split from her ex a year ago, she has a young DS. Her ex used to smoke weed, and was pretty useless/lazy. The guy she's seeing has three children of his own, he told her one of the reason why he got divorced from his wife was because he used to play PlayStation at night, and didn't help with the kids. But he's apparently a changed man now. AIBU to think if a man tells you that it's your own fault for staying, if he later turns out to be a lazy useless man child? I don't get it, why would you go from one man child to another? I don't know, maybe it's because of my past and experience that I feel so strongly about this.

If a man told me that, I'd run for the hills. I feel like telling her, don't come crying when it turns out he's just another useless man child, I feel like a bad friend but can't help how I feel. I know it's gonna end in tears.

OP posts:
User758172 · 13/01/2019 22:15

Well, it might have taken the ending of his marriage to see where he’s been going wrong?

AllMYSmellySocks · 13/01/2019 22:18

YANBU. Maybe he is a reformed character but I wouldn't want to risk it. It shouldn't take the end of a marriage for someone to realise that acting like a 15 year old when you have a wife and 3 kids makes you a dickhead. That would basically mean that he's realised he can't get away acting like a selfish douchebag (but would if he could).

Guineapiglet345 · 13/01/2019 22:22

What I don’t understand is how they get to the point of having 3 children when they’re like this, I’ve only got one but if DH didn’t take equal responsibility for parenting her I certainly wouldn’t be getting pregnant a 2nd or third time.

brizzledrizzle · 13/01/2019 22:23

It'd be enough to have me calling time on any relationship, he can try out if he's a reformed man on somebody else.

CottonTailRabbit · 13/01/2019 22:24

Your friend must like lazy men.

Ullupullu · 13/01/2019 22:27

Why are you "blaming" your friend Hmm for this? You should be there for her regardless, despite her poor choice in men, rather than being ready to say "I told you so"

Original poster
nosympathyhere · 13/01/2019 22:27

@Guineapiglet345 I have two DDs, and was with my ex for 8 years. Honestly, you spend so much time hoping they will change, and before you know it you've spent 8 years doing everything on your own. So I can see how he's been able to have three children with his ex wife.

OP posts:
Legohell · 13/01/2019 22:28

Difficult. He’s recognised it but does he want to change it...? (It’s not good enough that he’s not doing it now, anyone can slip back into bad behaviour and addictions.)

I left my ex (fiancé) because he was a mummies boy and had no ambition. He went back to mummy and eventually married a women who didn’t mind that!

Ultimately it’s her life and if that is how she wants to live (assuming he doesn’t pull his weight) then so be it.

Original poster
nosympathyhere · 13/01/2019 22:31

@Ullupullu because someone's literally telling you they used to be a useless man child in their previous relationship, even though you got rid of a man child? It's clear she hasn't learnt anything. I haven't said anything to her, but I just want to shake her.

OP posts:
Ullupullu · 13/01/2019 22:32

Agreed in principle but you should still not express the frustration to her like that. So YABU/YANBU Wink

Guineapiglet345 · 13/01/2019 22:34

@nosympathyhere I guess it’s a tough lesson to learn that you can’t change people, obviously your friend hasn’t learned from her mistakes.

Didsomeonesaygin · 13/01/2019 22:36

I had a relationship with someone who had split up with his previous partner for a number of reasons including being sulky, useless with house work and spending days off work in PJ's on a Play Station to name a few. I knew his previous partner and she was lovely, I'd even witnessed the playing play station all day. However, he told me he had learned his lesson and would never do that again. I believed him. I shouldn't have.

MorrisZapp · 13/01/2019 22:37

The problem being that right now, he's probably acting like super dad and Mr Romantic Hero, because he's in a new relationship.

By the time he's like yeah actually I just like playing the Xbox all the time, she's invested in him and it's too embarrassing to admit he's a knob.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/01/2019 22:39

What you need to learn is to mind your own business. This man may have changed/grown up, or he may not have. Your friend might have the sense to keep him as a shag rather than set up home with him. It's stil her business and not yours.

OopsIdidittentimes · 13/01/2019 22:41

I'm not sure with this, it sounds to me that he was more honest than he actually had to be and I'd take that as a positive.

Playing games is not a bad thing, not taking responsibility for your kids is, it sounds like he may have realised this now.

Missingstreetlife · 13/01/2019 22:47

I would warn her to take it steady and stand by with dustpan and brush

StarrySky7 · 13/01/2019 22:51

I would personally run for the hills. But for her right now, he's Mr Amazing. He'll keep being Mr Amazing until she becomes another victim of his allegedly reformed manchildness. All you can do is warn her.

BeanTownNancy · 13/01/2019 23:03

People do change. I've changed since my ex. Harsh to write someone off without any faith that they might be able to improve.

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