To ask if you’re happy, why, and what does it feel like?

[Imustbemad00]

I’m not sure if I’m happy, or actually know what it is. Is it an overwhelming feeling that you can’t mistake or just not being sad?
I remember feeling an actual high of happiness when in a relationship (until it turned abusive) and obviously when my children were born, but that’s on a completely different level.
Generally my life is ok, I’m not miserable (have been and know what that feels like!) we don’t have much money, that gets to me sometimes, but we get by, my job is ok, I like the people are work with, I don’t socialise much or have any friends, but I know lots of people.
I love my kids but they are very difficult, I try and do lots of fun things with them, housework and the ‘mental load’ is tough, but I’m not unhappy.
So because I’m not unhappy, am I happy by definition.
I’m just not sure if this is it, or if there’s more. Sometimes I worry that I’m wmotionally numb as I don’t really feel strong emotions apart from occasionally stress/anger, but never happy or sad.

I think we're led to believe that happiness is a permanent state we should be constantly trying to achieve. But it isn't. It's one of a range of vibrant emotions - some positive and some negative, that register our response to being alive.
That high you describe - I've not had that in ages. I get it if I'm lucky maybe a few times a year. But I think that's stronger than happiness. To me, happiness is a general cosy, contented feeling, not that hit of sheer joy.
If I reflect on life, I feel happy - I love DC, DP, have things I enjoy and look forward to. I'm good at my job. Like you, I make an effort to do something fun often - outings with DC or DP, small luxuries, and take time to enjoy them. That's a good start point.

I think humans are incapable of having "happy" as a constant state - we soon get used to being happy and that becomes "normal" and then we look for something else to make us "happy" again. Without some challenges, some setbacks, some space for improvement, life is not worth living.

There was a study done years ago with mice - the researchers gave them everything they could have wanted; more space than they could ever fill, unlimited food, activities, everything. The mice should have been so happy and had no reason to fight, so should have just kept breeding and breeding. But instead, the mice soon stopped reproducing and fairly soon they were all dead. Having nothing to fight for gave them nothing to live for.

Don't take this as a negative message, it's entirely positive. I've come to learn that wanting something more, that having to work for happy moments is part of human nature, and learn that contentment really is happiness in disguise - but that doesn't mean you should stop trying for better!

Dear OP,

I am sorry you feel this way. I hope I can help a little. I am feeling really happy atm, but it is more a general feel of being content and grateful for what I have. I am still grumpy in the morning and feel stressed sometimes, especially around my child bedtime!
I have had to make difficult decisions three years ago (leaving my abusive partner after 15 years together) and my mum passed away nearly a year ago, but I have been practising gratefulness and try to concentrate on self-love and I feel very lucky to have met a new partner that treats me right and respects me.
I think happiness is not a constant state, but just because you don't feel unhappy, does not mean you are happy.
Try and add some things in your life that would give you joy, it could be going to a new exercise class, or start a new hobby or try and socialise more. Smile at people and start conversations at the school gate.
Make a list of all the things that make you feel happy and do them more often.
Make a list of all the things in your life that makes you feel grateful.
Try and reduce your 'mental load' and make your life a little easier. Can anything be changed around your day-to-day life? Ask for help even if you think you can manage by yourself.

Hope this helps!

I'm not skipping down the street but do feel consistently content. This is really only since returning to work after maternity leave though, I was feeling pretty bored and stuck in a rut until then.