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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up work?

47 replies

SweetN0thing · 13/01/2019 20:32

I’ve been working part time for the past decade and have always been the main carer for our 3 kids. My dh has just landed a very well paid job. I really dislike my job and only have stayed there bc the hours suit, and in the past we needed the money.
He doesn’t like the idea of me not working, he thinks it’s lazy of me. Whereas for me the idea of leaving work to be a sahm and have some extra time to find something I’d really like to do sounds really good. Aibu to be upset that he wants me to stay in my job even though we could comfortably live on his wages alone? (I don’t spend loads of money on myself at all)

OP posts:

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 13/01/2019 22:06

have some extra time to find something I’d really like to do sounds really good.

YABVU. I’m sure he’d really like this too. He shouldn’t have to work to fund you having fun.

If he was on board with it, by all means that’s fine, but he’s not.

AllMYSmellySocks · 13/01/2019 22:15

I think it depends how significant your salary is. If you're earning say a quarter of the household income it's a significant contribution and I can see why DH wouldn't want to suddenly lose it unless you're desperately unhappy (it sounds like you're just not that keen).

If DH earns £300,000 and you're bringing home £8000 then I see your point as you won't notice the lack of income and it would seem he just wants you to work on principle.

I also think it depends a bit on what DH's career is like. If you gave up a career to support DH in a career he enjoys than I think it's only fair that you get an opportunity to find something equally fulfilling and you get time off to do that. If DH is working hard in a job he doesn't particularly like so that the family can be comfortable then I think it's fair you try and contribute financially as much as you can.

Gazelda · 13/01/2019 22:26

I think you should take this opportunity to find a job you enjoy.
That would seem like a fair compromise.
I know that if I were your DH, I'd be thinking that my extra salary combined with your income will enable an early mortgage pay off and a potential early retirement for both.
If you give up paid work, it might mean he is working with more responsibility but without a pay off in the form of an early retirement.

LannieDuck · 13/01/2019 22:51

How about looking for something else, perhaps PT?

Deadbudgie · 13/01/2019 22:56

Look for another job (and read the other thread on here about the resentment that men build up with sahm).

pinkdelight · 13/01/2019 23:29

You're already part time. What hours do you do? How old are the kids? Don't you have any time to do what you want already? Must say I don't but then I like my job. Isn't there a job you could do that you'd dislike less?

In essence though I'd say yabu.

rainbowbash · 13/01/2019 23:47

Don't you have any time to do what you want already?

op says she is the main Carer. I would guess it is possible that she is working very much around the DC, i.e. either is at work or caring for the DC. this set up doesn't leave time to do things she wants.

but without knowing the details it is impossible to say who is unreasonable.

SilverySurfer · 14/01/2019 00:11

Your DH is not unreasonable. If you don't like your current job why not look for a better one?

HauntedPencil · 14/01/2019 00:20

What about having a good think about what job you'd like to do and maybe take the chance to retrain?

If you don't need the money it could be short term for finding something which makes you happier.

Original poster

SweetN0thing · 14/01/2019 04:13

Thanks for your replies, it’s interesting to hear your views. I have been looking for other work for ages and had a few interviews but nothing ever came of them. My kids are aged between 5 & 10. My dh is away mon-fri and I do all childcare and all housework. Even if he’s here he won’t lift a finger. I work in between school hours.
He enjoys his job.
I’m certainly not talking about leaving work to go on an extended jolly like some of you seem to have assumed, it would be with the intention of retraining or working from home. Rushing between home and work and running round after the kids doesn’t leave me much time to myself.
I work in admin and I hate the job, I get on well with other people there and that’s the only thing that makes it bearable. I’m just stuck in a rut with it and I’ve been quite depressed the past couple of years.

OP posts:

BrylcreamBeret · 14/01/2019 04:19

In that case op your husband is a selfish dick, if you asked him what he thought about you quitting your job and retraining in a field you enjoy what would he say?

Storybarn · 14/01/2019 06:22

You do realise that the new employers can dismiss your husband for any reason in the next 2 year period. Just because he has got a new job doesn't mean it is a secure and permanent one just yet. He hasn't passed his probation period so it would be premature for you to give up your job. Look for another job while you're still employed and save money for a rainy day. With all this uncertainty regarding brexit, it wouldn't be wise to give up your job even if it's p/t.

rainbowbash · 14/01/2019 07:33

so you are in fact a lone parent Monday to Friday? did he ask your permission to work away Mon - Fri and to leave you to juggle work, household and the DC?

In these circumstances, I don't think you are unreasonable at all. You clearly aren't a team.

swingofthings · 14/01/2019 07:39

You see it that you can now afford not to work, but surely it will come with compromises. Your OH is likely to be under morexpressure/work with his new role and it must be a nice thought that despite this, the extra money will go on you having the perfect life whilst he will not be able to afford the luxuries you'd be able to afford if you continued to work PT, albeit another job.

BitchQueen90 · 14/01/2019 08:57

I'd be wary about quitting work if your DH is as unsupportive as it seems. What if he decides to withhold money from you and you have none coming In?

rainbowbash · 14/01/2019 09:05

what if OP decides that DC should look after e.g. a poorly child and take time off? it is a give and take and taking a job away from home which you enjoy and leaving your spouse to take care of 3 DC, school runs, the household and demand that they work isn't fair either.

I am guessing by taking care of the house and children, the OP has actually hugely enabled her DC's career.

Can you look for something you enjoy on a full time basis (there are more options) and let DH sort out the childcare?

HSMMaCM · 14/01/2019 09:10

Put all your wages into savings/the mortgage if you don't need them and then you'll have a contingency fund if your DH is ever made redundant. In the meantime, look for a job you prefer. I wouldn't want to give up earning my own money, but I would not sacrifice my mental health for a job.

AnnabelleLecter · 14/01/2019 09:58

I think you both need to communicate more. If he's got a better job/promotion whatever to earn more to benefit the family then he's right to be annoyed that you could negate that by giving up your job, which is what you say in your title. However later you mention looking for other jobs.
I retrained after having DD and at the time remember DH saying that I could give up and say if I wanted. Very glad that I made that choice I've kept my financial independence, contributed, have my own savings and pension etc. Now we're looking forward to a comfortable early retirement which wouldn't have been possible if I'd stopped working.

LannieDuck · 14/01/2019 11:48

Even if he’s here he won’t lift a finger.

That's your problem.

If he both enjoys his job AND leaves all the housework/childcare to you.... whilst you don't enjoy your job AND end up doing all the chores... that's absolutely not fair.

You're not unreasonable to take some time (now you have the financial stability to do so) to train in something you enjoy.

funfair · 14/01/2019 12:58

I have just given up my high paying job to be a sahm.
My DH earns a large income and is happy to support us all.
Why not. Kids grow up so quickly and I can always go back to work if I want to later.

The issue is more your DH doesn't agree. You can't quit work if he isn't happy to support you.

fixWaterwheels · 14/01/2019 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2019 17:10

You're married to a selfish prick. How long do you reasonably think the marriage is going to last?

If I were you, I'd be looking to increase my hours so I could be financially independent and stick the marriage up his arse.

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