AIBU or is it time to leave?

[Difficult2018]

Right, this may be a long one, hold on to your seats! So I’ve really no one I can turn to at this point as the last year has been so utterly atrocious in my marriage (and life full stop) that I just can’t keep burdening people.
Background: husband and I both in late thirties, together since uni, marriage idealised by friends, he had an awful childhood (abuse, social services etc) and has sever OCD, along with many other mental health issues, DD 3yo.
So basically, I’m at the point where I feel through the last, maybe 6 years, his mental health issues have meant I have bent over backawards to make sure he’s ok at all times, which looking back has enabled some of his negative behaviours. But recently his negativity has just been weeping into my soul and I just can’t take it anymore. I’ve done a lot of reading on emotional abuse and literally the only thing that stops me saying YOURE AN ABUSIVE ARSE is his mental health. However, I’ve just read about how the two things, mental health and emotional abuse (abuse of any kind) should be treated completely separately, which has knocked me sideways. It’s basically said that it’s a choice and he’s chosen to treat me the way he does (true). A few examples of this: I spent 6 hours decorating today (not being able to interact with him or DD because I was ‘dirty’) and when I’d finished he started shouting and swearing at me in front of DD about the ‘mess’ saying it’s a lack of respect for how he feels and how I’m ‘fucking disgusting’. I’m just done with this now I think. I understand he’s not thinking logically but I can’t be the punching bag for his illogical thoughts, and neither can our DD grow up thinking someone who says they love you can talk to you like that. Other issues; he has mass fear about FOURTH hand smoke (eg won’t let DD spend more than a couple of hours with my paarents who are amazing because they smoked in their house until 4 years ago- they stopped as soon as I asked them to when pregnant. When we had DS he wouldn’t let me cook and wouldn’t cook because of the OCD so we lived off of co op sandwiches for a week. DD not aloud in the garden because it’s ‘unsafe’. At Easter last year he became very close to being an alcoholic, when I confronted him he said he would kill himself so I had him sectioned but he basically blames me for this, even now, saying that I pushed him to it. God, the list could go on and on. Oh ffs! I 100% cannot afford to go it alone and back in June I reached this point (after he was abusing alcohol) and said that’s it, we share a house and DD but we leave each other alone and he begged and pleaded and here we are. Wtf am I supposed to do? I’m so done. Getting upset now, thanks for listening if anyone’s there! X

He abused both you and his child today. If you can't leave him for yourself do it for your DD.

No advice OP but big hugs🌷 I would not last a day with a husband like yours tbh..
hopefully someone will come along and give you great advice ...

I think you need to get some support and counselling. His behaviours are unreasonable, he may not be able to help them but by the nature of his illness he is abusive. There comes a point where you have to care for yourself and your child. Perhaps the relationship would work better living in separate houses

What MH support does he have? And are his family involved at all? While you are there and have tried and given him unconditional support, you yourself now have nothing left to give, your tank is empty.

Would he consider moving out? Or can you move out? Perhaps some breathing space would be helpful? You are absolutely being abused and he has enough competency from what you have said to know what he is doing. You cannot police him or nanny him for the rest of your life, at some point you have to step back and do what is best for you and your child. This is more so if he is unwilling to acknowledge his issues and get ongoing help and support for them which does not include you being his emotional punching bag.

He doesn't need to mark you to be abusive, you know this, but he definitely leaving his mark on your in other ways.

Atm he refuses to take anything, and to be fair the support after he was sectioned was beyond horrendous, so I understand why he’s lost trust in the NHS right now, but I have said he needs support and I can’t give it. Back when it all kicked off he was put on the wiring list for specialist counselling which is due in Feb, which I think I’ve been holding on for. Around this time last year when he was self medicating I turned to his two closest siblings but neither helped. One actually completely ignored my message
And has all but cut him off since (bastard). He’s too ashamed and wants to keep this facade too much to let his family know about any of this, even the fact he was sectioned and when he’s been spiralling and I’ve said this is wrong, the way you’re treating me is wrong, I’ve threatens to ring his family so they can tell him too. He just makes out as if I’m the problem, but it’s painfully obvious that I’m not. When in June I reached the end, I told my parents and sibling and my parents literally said they’d been waiting for me to just leave him and they can see me wilting. But I just don’t know how. Neither of us can afford the house alone, we’re in about £14000 of debt and I work part time so could t even afford a one bed flat on my own. Honestly, when he’s not ‘ill’ and being a c* he’s wonderful, but the problem I’m having is that he’s flipping, from being attentive and wonderful to this horrendous person and I can’t tell when it’s going to happen. Ffs how did my life go like this???

OP sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you have been very supportive over the years. Ultimately until he takes responsibility for his own mental health things are unlikely to change- most likely will get worse as your frustration rises and his inability to manage increases. In some ways you staying may be enabling him to continue to behave like this (mental health or no mental health). You don't deserve to have to live like this. Can you not move in with a family member and if you want to work on your marriage put some conditions in place like, therapy for him, couples counselling?

I think this is what I’m going to have to do, but the moving out won’t work, the only family I have in the city are my parents and if I leave that will be it for their relationship with him forever. It’s always been very strained so that would be the nail in the coffin. He’s just wanted to speak about today, again repeating I don’t respect him and I don’t care about the effort he’s putting into challenging his ocd. To which I’ve said that’s the 3rd time in 5 days he’s spoken to me like that. God I’ve had enough. So hard x

I don't care how hard it is for you, you need to leave this man for the sake of your children.

Get a plan together. What's the house situation, both on mortgage?

He needs to leave or you and the children do.

Get hold of all paperwork. Passports, birth certificates etc etc. Bank statements, card statements. Payslips. Get everything. Then tell him it's over and one of you is leaving. If you think he will kick off then have your parents there. He is not your responsibility. His mental health is not your responsibility.

I repeat, you need to leave him. Your poor kids FFS.

I have complex PTSD and the symptoms are horrendous, sometimes I over-react but think I'm being completely reasonable, and poor DH rides the rollercoaster with me as I'm in recovery. I do everything I can to minimise the negative impact.

But I absolutely take responsibility for my actions and there IS a line I wouldn't cross. I certainly wouldn't blame anyone else for my mental state and, if I'm honest, it sounds like your DH is using his MH issues to use you as a punch bag.

It's his responsibility to get better. Sure, dealing with a loved one that has MH issues isn't easy but they shouldn't rule your lives or pull you down into the abyss too.

You sound like you've been a great support but you need to protect yourself.