To think DH could be right about abusive relationship

[Vintagewannabe]

Me and DH has a conversation last night about my mother. Her and my dad have been married for 40 years. He litterally does nothing for her. She works full time and is expected to cook, clean, wash etc whilst he gets to sit in front of the tv and relax. Even when she’s ill or feeling bad he won’t pick up any slack. He controls what she watches on tv, when money is spent (including if she can put lights or heating on) and even what she eats. He frequently goes to work parties/friends gatherings and leaves her at home saying she’s not invited when other people take their wives/husbands.

My mum and dad have both been diagnosed with pre diabetes and blood pressure problems. I told my mum I was worried and suggested coming to slimming world with me. she refused saying dad wouldn’t be happy with her changing what she eats.

DH said she’s in an abusive relationship which everyone laughs at claiming my dad is just ‘tight’ but now I fear he could be right. Me and DH (both self employed) split bills 50/50 and if one of us has a slow moth the other picks up the slack, no questions asked. We juggle the kids between us and the house work. We see everything as a team effort but have our own interests. I feel we have a good balance.

What can I do to help my mother? I’m so worried about her health? I have suggested she stop letting him control her and get a grip on her own life but she just laughs and thinks I’m mad.

YANBU. I think DH is right. I would want to support her asuch as possible. Perhaps you can get some professional advice about supporting someone in an abusive relationship.

I'm sorry op, I think your dh is right. I don't have advice on how to help I'm afraid, but hopefully someone else will come along who does.
Fwiw, my parents have an unhealthy co-dependent (not abusive) relationship and I have never felt able to do anything about it.

It is a hugely controlling relationship. Why does she think you are mad to suggest she takes control, exactly? Does she not recognise that she is being controlled, is she scared of your dad, is she happy with how things are? What?

OP. That's a dreadful situation. I'm not sure there's anything you can do except spend time with your DM without your DF. Show her what a normal life is. Lots of examples, dropped into conversation, of your life - where you and DH do things together, where he is supportive, where you are a team, where you have a social life with and without him.

dad wouldn’t be happy with her changing what she eats.

That's not acceptable. Either you or your DH, or both of you, needs to have a talk with your DF. It sounds like your parents are stuck in a rut, but it needs to change.

The change has to come from within.

I dealt with a woman last week, who has a deeply controlling alcoholic husband with onset dementia as well. She does not want to leave him, she does not want any outside interference, she wants the status quo in her life. She knows the options that are available to her. This is the life she has chosen after 50+ years of being together.

'Forcing' her to do anything is equally coercive. Give her the information, then it is her prerogative whether to change her life style. You see it as controlling, she may see it as being protected.

While I do agree this is too controlling, when you put it in the context of there era, this is not that unusual, even if it needs changing. My own OH of 43 years tends to this and very much wanted and expected a 50's wife. When we both retired I expected better. Nagging didn't work and I ended up having a few tantrums about it. Very late in the day but he now washes up, cooks twice a week, does the weekly shop and regularly will light the fire. His excuse was always that he works hard in the garden (true but his hobby) and doesn't like cooking. He likes to control the finances although I keep my pension in my own account! It may be that your mother is comfortable with her lot. Some women of my age feel secure this way. Dont forget they have lived this way for a long time. Do not try to tackle him, or nag, it never works. Empower your mother to make small changes herself, to be a little independent. I am and impressed with my adults childrens better balanced relationships and workloads, it wasnt due to role model. Talk to your mother but most of all listen to her. Does she feel controlled? If she has resentment, help her to expect some changes. Its never too late. She will be angry with you if you interfere directly. Times change, thankfully

I agree with @PlainSpeakingStraightTalking
Lots of women who have been in these types of relationships stay for all sorts of reasons sadly. I know of two women close to me that have stayed in varyingly awful abusive relationships. They will never leave.

Tread very carefully, I do think he is right though.

This is really tough and what’s worse, it’s all she has known for forty years. To say the marriage is old school and what was, and in some relationships still is what’s expected.
I think suggesting she is in an abusive relationship is a no go area but then I don’t know your mum. Perhaps it’s worth speaking to dad, I wouldn’t bother dropping hints because we all know they are good for nothing.
Regarding going out etc, why not go out with your mum? Especially on those nights she is left at home alone. She may get a taste for it and start to assert some authority over her independence.
Good luck to you all and I hope the health issues improve

I think she knows deep down it’s not right but then just pushes it to the back of her mind and gets on with it :(. Me and dsis left home pretty young because we couldn’t stand the way their relationships was and I feel bad I’ve only just really thought about how bad it is now. I expressed my feelings to my sister and she said she feels the same but doesn’t know what to do.

Speaking to my father will end up in a mind your own business shouting match which I don’t want/need. He’s never physically abusive which is good but could turn nasty against DM if he feels we are interfereing

If they are pre diabetic they do need to change their diet. If they continue eating the same they will end up as type 2 diabetic and that brings a whole other set of issues. Look at the NHS site. They are at risk of heart problems and at greater risk of stroke among other things. How will your DF cope if your Dm has a stoke leaving her incapacitated.

Is your mother unhappy? Has she asked for your advice or help with her relationship with your dad? If not, I suggest you wait until she does al though you clearly wish the best for her, she's had many years with him and if she's ok with him, then you risk your own relationship with her by unwarranted interference.