Help Mil retiring

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Already posted about my MIL, with how interfering she is.

Firstly FIL told my DH he needs to get a better job that pays more (We never ask them for money, we can pay all our bills fine etc).
Around the same time we have decided I will be a sahm (with the cost of travel and childcare I would be just about breaking even). MIL was not happy with this telling my DH I should just work because I need a job and even tried to bribe him by saying she will pay for part of nursery (We refused because she would hold
this over us). Then out of the blue a few weeks after this she decided to retire early.

Ever since she has told us she will be retiring she comments how difficult it is going to be now financially and how its a lot of money to lose not working, telling us how much she will have to "tighten her belt", telling us she will need to get rid of her cleaner and get rid of one of their cars etc. While we were at her house at Christmas
for 2 days this was the main thing she talked about constantly. Every time she talks to my DH she brings up money and how retiring will effect her financially.

FFS is she going to expect us to help them out financially?? Or is she going to suddenly have the brilliant idea that I can now go back to work and she can look after my DC (The place were I worked wasn't that far from where she lives). I just find it odd she was trying to bribe us by paying for nursery, we refused then suddenly she is retiring and
telling us how will she cope financially now.

I think she might be trying to be subtle. Instead of saying ‘you will struggle’ as she knows you’re brushing this off she’s trying to make it ‘oh I will struggle without an income’ and you’re supposed to listen and think oh dear poor mil how will she manage, then have a lightbulb moment where you go hang on! That will be us when I give up work too! How will we Manage??!

I have a very indirect mil

I expect she will try that one-look after your kids so you can be sent back to work and charge you £1000 a month for the privilege, then she can moan to you about how tired she is.

Is DH completely on side about you not working?

Ask her if retiring now is such a good idea if she is going to really struggle?

Ignore

Is DH completely on side about you not working? Yeah think so, we discussed it and made the decision together

Sounds like passive aggressive messaging to me. My Mum does this. Doesn't say things directly like a normal adult.

I would just ignore and change the subject. Even if you did continue to work I would avoid using her for looking after the children. She sounds too much like hard work.

My betting is that they think you will ask them for money and she is setting out her stall.

Although you have never asked for money how is your language about it? I met another mum at a playgroup and we got on really well and I was talking about being on maternity leave and the lack of disposable income and how it would get worse if I was to become a SAHP and she said 'Are you asking you borrow money'. I was horrified. I was really only talking out aloud but she saw it as a build up to the big ask, which it wasn't. It made me a but more guarded. I say this as your FIL's comments, suggest they do discuss your finances even if you haven't asked for advice or coinage.

Having said that, prepare an answer in case she suggest looking after you new baby at a reduced rate.

Good luck OP

Also, send her the links for Money Saving Expert's website and lots of frugal blogs...

Stick to your plans and ignore her, if she has a history of interfering then retiring may well result in this getting worse

KC225 I never talk about money with her, never said anything that would imply we were struggling or needed to ask them for money. MIL talks about money a lot, asking my DH how much he earns (wish he wouldn't tell her), asking how much things cost if we buy something new. I once bought something for work (computer related) so that I could work from home more she responded by saying "I should just go to the office more instead of buying it", even though it was my money and not that expensive! But we should buy presents for people that don't get us anything in return - she tried to get my DH to buy his aunt (her ex SIL) a present that cost 50 pounds for her 50th birthday when the aunt gets my DH nothing for his birthday, sometimes not even a card.

send her the links for Money Saving Expert's website and lots of frugal blogs so tempted to do this

if she has a history of interfering then retiring may well result in this getting worse she does have a history of interfering lots and that is a worry of mine that it will get worse

I would just ignore her to be honest. If she's healthy and not working then she hardly needs a cleaner or a second car anyway. If you suspect she's angling to be your paid childcarer make sure you and DH are on the same page in advance.

If your mother in law 'pleads poverty' (slight exaggeration I know), again about taking early retirement, try to change the subject or even smile and say that you heard all that over Christmas. She might stop if she thinks she is being boring or OTT. There's something very 'unEnglish' in talking about personal finances but maybe she feels it's acceptable with close family. Please do steer her away from it though, she is embarrassing herself and there's nothing you can do about it anyway.

Like others, I wondered if she was lining herself up to be your childminder but do stick to your guns over that one, you and your husband have decided you are not returning to work for the time being and can manage. If your mother in law would like to earn a little money, she could probably mind someone else's child (don't suggest it, I doubt it would go down well :-) ). It's her choice to give up work early, she surely weighed up the pros and cons.

The really important thing here is stopping her being so interfering and nosy about your life and talking too much about her own future reduced income. Let her see that you find it wearing. It's also not very nice if she does it in front of her grandchild/children, they shouldn't have to hear that sort of talk.

Once you've set the boundaries, hopefully you'll remain on good terms. I expect they have their good points.

Best of luck .

jessstan2 Thanks . It does feel very 'unEnglish' talking about personal finances, my parents never really do this so not sure if people talking about finances with their adult children is common or not.
Good point about grandchildren. When my DH's parents got divorced MIL would constantly tell him "I just don't know how we are going to cope and pay the bills/ mortgage". Then she would go out and spend lots of money on non essentials (house decorations like new curtains etc) while still telling my DH we won't be able to cope financially now DH's father left. Certainly don't want my DC exposed to this.

You and your DH need to shut her down straight away. When she moans about finances being tight once she's retired, ask her if it's sensible to be retiring early if it will cause a financial struggle. Alternatively suggest she gets something part-time to bring in a little extra income.

Next time she starts smile sympathetically and say 'maybe you shouldn't be retiring, or maybe you should go part time'

What does your husband think about this?

Sounds like your MiL is not keen on being responsible for her finances and would like her DS to be the replacement "Man" in these matters. Does she have anyone else she can talk over her finances with?

Also quite difficult to explain to a lot of people / especially single Mothers to understand the dynamics of 2nd earner income - most simply refuse to believe that for many / most it is not financially viable to work, having been supported via work themselves.

She can expect whatever she likes. You are not obliged to give her anything.

You seem to be very clear about the fact that anything she gives you will be held over your heads. So don't ask for anything regarding childcare, etc.

It takes two to tango. So don't engage.

What does your husband think about this? He doesn't think much of it, when it comes to his mum he just accepts that's the way she is and has went along with what she wants most of his life

Does she have anyone else she can talk over her finances with? She has her husband, they don't just discuss hers/ their finances they discuss ours most likely since they ask my DH how much he earns (keep telling DH to not tell them so much about us). Step FIL recently told DH he needs to earn more