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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh jealous of my success?

36 replies

Tryingmybest1000 · 13/01/2019 09:18

Dh and i have had problems in the past, mainly after dd arrived (now 3) we have been workong3 through these. His main complaints were i didn't pay him enough attention, he felt left out and that i didn't do enough around the house (i work full time as well as him and have done since dd was 7 months old) we've been through some marriage counselling so are getting back on track.

I have recently been promoted at work (never been interested in a managers role but was asked to take it so thought i'd give it a go!) And without meaning to sound conceited am doing pretty well in it. Previous role holder knew they were going for a while so i had a few issues handed over to me that they didn't sort out but i've worked really hard to get it back on track. Have received some praise for senior collegues on my efforts.

However it has meant that i have had to work some longer hours, including a few evenings after dd has gone to bed. Dh hasn't been around much either due to shifts so we haven't really seen each other much. But this morning when he got in from work and dd was having a rare lie in he started moaning again about not getting any attention, how i should be jumping on him (i'm so tired and wanted to make the most of sleeping in past 7!) And that he felt ignored. He then rolled over and went to sleep.

I had a really important meeting last week which dh knew i was worried about. Meeting went really well, and when i told him all i got was the comment 'well done for being a suck up!'

Just feeling a bit under appreciated by the one person i think should be pleased for me.

Oh and if its relevant the new job now means i earn significantly more than him.

OP posts:
NoWayYesPlease · 13/01/2019 09:24

I think I can see both sides of this. He should maybe be expressing it better but it sounds like he genuinely misses you. I would be booking some time off just me and him and see if that resolves anything. If I were him I'd think ok so we went to counselling to resolve our issues and now I never see you again - if that's because of work that's a valid reason but I'd still be carving out time for him. The sex thing is a shitty thing to say but I think it's shitty of you to assume he's got an issue because you earn more? Giving him the benefit of the doubt I'd arrange some time with him maybe a weekend away and see how you both feel after that. Otherwise I can see this relationship only going one way.

NoWayYesPlease · 13/01/2019 09:25

Actually even your title riles me a bit - jealous of your success? It sounds like your feel more for your work than you do for your husband. Unless you're about to do a drip feed about how he's an absolutely shitty husband in other ways than YABU.

I think you'll get some replies that disagree with me though and it would be interesting to see if that's related to gender. Also be interested to see the difference in reply if a man had posted this. Any Who just my 2 pence!

CheeseRolls · 13/01/2019 09:27

Well done for being a suck up !?!

Is he 9?

Good for you for getting a decent job. He doesn't sound very pleasant tbh

MojoMoon · 13/01/2019 09:31

Keep working hard and try to keep rising up the ranks because he sounds like a spoilt, selfish man child and you should be in the best position to walk away should you decide to.

What a shit bag to complain that you don't do enough round the house. Bet he isn't scrubbing the loos, making dentists appointment for the kids or worrying about them eating enough vegetables.

When he says attention, does he just mean sex? Or does he want to go to the cinema/theatre/sports event/talk politics/take a hike together?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 13/01/2019 09:31

Well I'll be the first one posting to disagree with you, NoWayYesPlease.

I'd be interested to know how much he was doing around the house when he was so ready to slate you about it. Presumably you were both working full time?

Yes, he sounds jealous and petty.

StripeyDeckchair · 13/01/2019 09:33

Well done for taking on a new role and making a success of it.
Flowers

He needs to stop behaving like a jealous 5 year old and support you and celebrate your success with you not make childish remarks and sulk.

The early days in a new role are more demanding but once you've got used to it then the evening work with end/become less frequent and your partner should recognise this and step up his support.

JonSlow · 13/01/2019 09:33

Same as above - what was the balance of chores where you weren’t doing enough?

Dragongirl10 · 13/01/2019 09:33

Op l am surprised by these replies, he sounds very immature, wanting all your attention since dc was born ......

Everyones lives change with Dcs and most just accept that parents have less toime for each other, l would tell him that the secret to getting more of your attention, is to help more at home to make time for you both!!

Of course he should be proud of your success he should be your greatest supporter.
On a practical level could you afford a cleaner as you both work long hours so your time at home is free of domestic chores?

Neverunderfed · 13/01/2019 09:34

He sounds like a petulant child.

madcatladyforever · 13/01/2019 09:35

Another giant toddler. It seems to me that men have forgotten how to be fathers and husbands and just loll about sulking these days.
how did we produce such a generation of hopeless men?

ElvisParsley · 13/01/2019 09:36

How much housework does he do?
If he wants to see you more, has he considered a role where he is not doing shifts?

Neverender · 13/01/2019 09:37

He doesn't sound like his self esteem is very healthy if he needs to put you down to feel better. I'd stop talking about work and, if he asks, say you don't want to discuss it as he makes you feel like shit. It's up to him how he responds.

Cheerbear23 · 13/01/2019 09:40

Yes I think he’s jealous of you, but he also sounds sulky and Whiney which is very unattractive. No wonder you aren’t ‘jumping on him’.

Xenia · 13/01/2019 09:50

He sounds a bit silly. We were married 20 years and by the end I earned 10x him. It was never an issue and all our money was just shared always from the start and in joint accounts so if either of us did well that was great for the other too.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/01/2019 09:51

Tell him to get off his dick, divide the domestic chores 50/50 and remind him that your career is as important as his.

cuppycakey · 13/01/2019 09:58

He sounds tedious and self important.

You sound pretty awesome.

Battenburg11 · 13/01/2019 10:01

Sounds very similar to something I posted on here recently. I think some men are just immature and can’t handle it when they get less attention. I work full time, he works 3 days, the other two looking after the 2 year old, we have another child at 9 years, I’m just knackered most of the time with work, cleaning, being the main breadwinner and the children yet he sulks and gets grumpy if I don’t give him enough sex/attention! Makes me mad with the lack of appreciation and thinking I’m some sort of robot yet he can’t or won’t want to understand that it’s beca I’m tired!

userschmoozer · 13/01/2019 10:03

He's handling his feelings badly. He could suggest something you can do as a couple, and ask for a quick cuddle before you have to get up. Small ways to keep the connection between you.
Maybe you could say that to him and see if he gets it.

Original poster
Tryingmybest1000 · 13/01/2019 10:13

I always make sure we have a cuddle and at least 30 minutes before we go to sleep to have some time for us. Even if its not anything sex related we try and have some time each night (when hes not on night shifts)

Housework isn't evenly split, i do pretty much everything except hoover and cook dinner.

Dh still gets time for himself, he goes to his sprt every weekend and gets rostered a week off every 4 weeks.

I do miss him as well and he knows that and i have tried explaining that the 1st few weeks in a new job are the toughest but he doesn't get it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 10:20

I have no clue what planet the first couple of posters are on, your partner sound about twelve op, and I'd be telling him to get a grip and grow up. You're an adult, so is he, and you're making a success of your adult life.

I mean "a suck up" and you should be jumping all over him, seriously. He sounds like a petty kid.

Keep going with your work. You're doing well. Don't let him drag you down.

DisappearingFish · 13/01/2019 10:25

He sounds like an arse. I'd bring up the uneven split of housework in marriage counselling and also the fact that he has a lot more outside activities/free time than you. I'd also bring up the fact that he's trying to use emotional blackmail to get sex.

You haven't painted him in a very good light.

Congratulations on your promotion and success.

Sniv · 13/01/2019 10:48

He's not jealous, he's scared of your success. If you are the main breadwinner, as well as cleaner, childcarer, household manager and everything else then what the fuck is he? He would either have to step up and actually do something, or actually have you both recognise that he's a passenger.

Cheerbear23 · 13/01/2019 11:35

He’s got a bloody cheek complaining you don’t do enough around the house if you do the lions share. Next time he brings that up, agree with him That the split is unfair and day you need to divide it more equally. I think your success has upset the balance, any decent partner would be pleased for you and not trying to make you feel shitty.

timeisnotaline · 13/01/2019 11:52

What did the counsellign achieve if you still do the lions share of all housework? Do you get the time to go out he does?

userschmoozer · 13/01/2019 11:53

So you are doing everything, the domestic labour, the wifework, the emotional labour. And he is sulking.

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